So . . . we are 3 months post DDay (2nd A) and Plan A has gone smoothly. There just isn't any movement at all on WH's part, in any direction. Consequently, I suspect ongoing C with OW, but have no evidence. Today I lost control and (politely) asked WH if he had any plans for our marriage. I pointed out that we were 3 months post DDay and nothing had changed, which worried me because last year around this time was 1st A DDay and nothing changed in the aftermath (other than his moving on to another OW). I said I believed that as long as he had contact with OW, I didn't believe anything would change. He said OW has nothing to do with our "issues." He said he had no plans. He just doesn't want to be controlled any more (by me). I told him I loved him and was committed to working on our marriage. That was the end of the conversation. Did I violate Plan A? Is he still in the fog? Is it time to move on to Plan B? Please help! Stung

He still sounds somewhat foggy - and I would be willing to bet there is still contact.

But it is okay to politely discuss your relationship in Plan A. You may have to start preparing for Plan B.

stung, if he hasn't ended contact then the affair is still going on. Doesn't sound like he has any interest at all in ending things. I agree with believer, I would plan on going to Plan B.

Has he had multiple affairs?

This is the 2nd A that I know about. Because of the nature of his work, he is still having contact with OW. I don't know about contact outside of work. His cell phone bill only shows outgoing calls, and there are none to OW's cell phone. When I asked him if he was still "connected" to OW, he said that she has "nothing to do with our issues." He has a work related disciplinary hearing coming up, which I offered to help him with. I had planned to go to Plan B around Labor Day. Should I forget about helping him out at his hearing and go straight to Plan B? It would be a big LB, I think. He has also stopped going to MC. He is not refusing, he has just found other things to do. Help?

stung, I would approach him about the importance of ending ALL contact with the OW. In order for you to recover and get over his affair, this is an important boundary for you. Let him know that your marriage cannot recover unless he ends all contact, whether it be work related or private and ask him to send a no contact to the OW. His response will probably give you a good idea of how committed he is to saving your marriage.

What was the reason for the first affair? Were the issues behind that ever resolved? Does he even believe in monogamy? Does he know right from wrong?

MC is a waste of time as long as the affair is ongoing.

Is he working with OW? Might be time for him to find another job. He absolutely, positively has to have no contact with her. Otherwise he will not be able to get back to his marriage.

The old "nothing to do with our issues" song and dance is getting sooooooooo old for me. That is what they all say. Ho Hum. Wish that some WS could come up with something new.

As far as supporting him at work, I would do it, unless it has something to do with his affair.

Also is OW married?

(sniff) He is working with OW, who is young and unmarried. I called her at the outset and told her I wanted to work on my marriage; she told me she "respected that." Huh, Fat chance. That lasted for about an hour. Anyway, he can't leave his job right now, at least until this disciplinary mess is over. Should I insist on a NC letter anyway? Since I have been lurking here for while, I have learned that WH needs to end all C with OW for recovery to take place and that C stands in the way of MC; and I have told him so many times. Am I dumb as a post or are you trying to tell me HE IS STILL IN THE A?

The 1st A followed my grief and despair over learning that our beautiful DD has a devastating, chronic illness. I think he just couldn't handle that, along with my reaction.

I don't think he'll agree to send a NC letter to OW, which I realize is part of Plan A. If he doesn't agree, I need to move to Plan B, right? I guess I'm just prolonging the inevitable (tears).

stung, I think people can change if they really want to, but do you think he wants to change? Do you think he has any interest in his marriage?

Stung - It is very common to have an affair after a child's illness. That may be why your WH is acting so crazy.

You must stay in Plan A for about 3 more months - then, if nothing has changed, you move to Plan B.

In the meantime, you can request that he send NC letter to OW. If he does not agree, you stay in Plan A - at least for awhile.

This is the MB timing. If you can't stay in Plan A, or start LB'ing, then consider going to Plan B right away.

I don't really know. When MC asked if he was open to working on our M, he responded that the door was slightly open, since "there was something there once." What the heck does that mean?

Hallelujah! Thanks. Those are words I was hoping to hear! I am currently moving betweeen restlessness with Plan A, and the inevitability of Plan B . . . but I can work with 3 more months!

Stung - That is very good. If you can do it for 3 more months there is your plan. Plan A is exremely difficult. Most of the time they don't respond. But they do notice.

You are so new in this, please don't give up hope. We have seen a lot of miracles here.

Thanks Believer! (hug)

So . . . am I FOOLING myself? WH told my sister that he realizes I have been trying very hard and is agonizing over what to do . . . but he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were (my burdensome, controlling behavior). I will keep my commitment to Plan A longer . . . but am I fooling myself into believing there might be some hope?

-- feeling Stung

stungalong, I don't have enough experience with all this A stuff, however I wanted to offer support and encouragment to you. I am currently lookng into my own behavior, the 'why' of my depression and despair...of which a symptom did not meet his needs.

It may give you something to do, to look into your own behavior. You say you have burdensome, controlling behavior. I would start by working there. check out a 12 step group (check at large non-denomination or community churches). I know that this website thinks that co-dependency movement is ruining marriages, but if you work on your own improper behavior and still meet his needs what harm can that be? You will be all the better for it and you may feel more in control of yourself.

Even if you D and move on, you will still have that behavior. Whereever you go, there you are.

Thanks for your post, Whattagirl. I think you are right and I actually have been trying to work on my "controlling" behavior, which has apparently earned some recognition from WH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The sad part is, we both contributed to the demise of our M by failing to fulfill each other's ENs for years, and WH doesn't see that. Even though I am capable of making changes (as I have demonstrated - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> ) I don't think he ever will.

-- sadly stung

Hello Wise MBers - I have a chance to go away on vacation for a week with DD, and WH will not be going. Is this a wise plan given that I am in the midst of Plan A, with Plan B on the horizon? As an update, when our MC asked him today what he was feeling about our R/M, he replied that he felt "numb" and "without any emotion." So, I left pleased that he had gone to MC (he hasn't gone in weeks) but saddened that he is still so distant. I have been in Plan A for almost 4 months . . . can anyone (particularly FWS's) interpret this? Is it wise to go away right now without him - or will I be enabling his A? I do not know if the A is ongoing; his time seems to be accounted for, I have found no evidence by way of occasional snooping; and I have exposed the A to his family. But . . . he still works with OW and thus has contact (no 2 x 4s please, the reality is, he won't leave that job anytime soon). Thanks for your thoughts! Stung

bumped . . . for me

bumped . . . again, for me. Help?