So my brother in law is in town for a yearly educational conference that he attends. He brought along my 8yr. old niece. He drops this bombshell last night that my sister has been having an A for the past 15 months. He is devastated, he only found out 2 days prior. He discovered it via a voicemail, so it was still ongoing. They've been married for 12 yrs, 3 kids (11,8,5). I'm heartbroken for him, for my sister and the children. They live in a small town and are very active in their community. I'm wanting to provide some direction before he starts making decisions that he'll regret. I'll buy him a few of the books tomorrow and definately refer him to this community. I'm really wishing I could freeze time and let him examine all this information before making any decisions. I prayed for the first time in years last night for their family, I'm quite surprised at how this has affected me. I cannot imagine what hell it would be to go through an A. What can one do to help if anything?

He is very, very lucky that you are willing to help him! Send him directly to: "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" on this site (sorry, I don't know how to link);

Buy or recommend "His Needs, Her Needs" and Surviving an Affair;

Tell your sister she needs to end the A immediately, stop all contact with OM and work on her marriage!

Good luck.

Kidsmoke, please send him to this forum. There is ALOT we can do to help him. Right now is a critical time in his marriage and his actions can make or break his marriage. We can guide him through the minefields if he wants to save his marriage.

Send him here, please. Tell him to come to this section, Gen'l Questions II.

Kidsmoke, something else you can do to help him is to call your sister and tell her how very disappointed and surprised you are at her sleazy behavior. Telling her your true thoughts will be a much needed splash of cold water on her.

Forcing her to explain her sleazy behavior helps her see her actions through the eyes of others and gives her a much needed dose of reality.

The worst thing that family members can do is pretend like everything is normal or take a neutral stance in order to avoid tension. These family members become enablers simply because they don't want trouble and they end up becoming accessories in the destruction of the family.

Please don't take that route. Tell your sister what she's doing is wrong and you know it's wrong and because you love her, you expect much better. Don't lower your standards to accommodate her bad behavior. That is the best thing you can do for your sister and the best thing you can do for her victims, your BIL and his children.

Thanks for the advice. I'll definately get him to these boards, hopefully he can open up here and become part of the community. I really appreciate the "don't lower your standards to accomodate her bad behavior" comment.