My wife and I were married two years when she told me she wanted to separate. She started pulling away mid-way through year 1, after a couple of nasty arguments. Nothing abusive, just first year adjustment stuff. My wife is an avoider and is allergic to confrontation. The last yr she spent in the "withdrawal" state. I am assertive and a little argumentative. She told me her self-confidence was low, she felt unloved, her self-esteem was low, she needed to find herself, to focus on her career right now (she is already very successful). I got the "loveyoubutnotinlovewithyou" line.

Her mother left her father after 18 mo's and he cut off contact from her at that point. I think my wife has lingering issues from that. My W also left her first husband after 1 yr (she was 21). She recently told me she was seeing someone else (I suspect it started before we separated).

Questions: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> WHAT DO I DO? I love her. She is not in love w/ me at the moment. Should I pursue her, show her I love her, OR give her some space. I can forgive the OM, but I am afraid that if we get back together, my wife is such a soft person that even basic disagreement in the marriage will cause us harm. I think we need major counseling. Can this marriage be saved? Or should I simply get on with my life?



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BS (me) - 37
WW - 33
Together 3.5 years
Married 2
No kids
D-Day -Jun 05

[color:"blue"] Tom,

You may not like this advice. Marriagebuilder's principles include working on you to make yourself the best spouse, father, and man that you can be. Diagnosing your wife's problems is not going to help you much at this stage. Your first order of business would be to eliminate any love busters and start working on figuring out her emotional needs. Read the sections in the basic concepts and Q&A sections of this website.

Think about individual counseling to help you figure out how to change in yourself the aggressive assertive argumentative sides of yourself that are pushing your wife away.

I would say that pursuing her at the moment is a bad idea. Eliminating love destroying habits and learning how to communicate in a non-threatening way are musts.

Good luck - remember you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself.

V. [/color]

I think that is good advice and I am seeking to understand more of her emotional needs, which I believe are complicated (hence the background above). And I am seeking counseling...

ANYONE ELSE HAVE ADVICE ON MY SITUATION; I REALLY NEED IT...

I have no idea if your marriage can be saved, but I do have a few thoughts to share.

Your wife identifies herself as having low self-confidence, poor self-esteem, needs to find herself, feels unloved...etc. Has she always felt this way ? Is so, it may be that she is looking to her husband to give her those traits she wants for herself, e.g., positive self-esteem, confidence, loveable.

Your wife has left 2 marriages at the end of one year. You know, that first "honeymoon" year together...and then the reality of life as a couple hits. If she's a conflict avoider, that how she responds to life's problems. Running away seems to be a "coping" skill for her.

Take a look at her childhood. Her mother left her father after 18 months. He then cut off all contact with your wife. "Abandonment" may be a big psychological issue for your wife. Especially when it comes to men. To avoid being "abandoned" ever again (and the person KNOWS they will be...because, afterall, even their father didn't want them...from a CHILD'S viewpoint), they will leave the relationship first. That way, they're not being left behind and abandoned. Look at the timeframe of her mother leaving her father...18 months...a little over the one year point.

So, she goes on to the next man, hoping HE will fix her feelings of low self-esteem...that THIS marriage will be "perfect", so there will be no disagreements which could trigger abandonment issues or the need for new coping skills. But...that's not the reality of relationships. Disagreements will happen, sooner or later. Any disagreement could trigger a sense of "distancing" for your wife. You might recognize it as temporary, but she may see it as the beginning of the path leading to abandonment.

These thoughts are obviously from an outsider looking in at a very brief sharing of a situation. So, take them for what they're worth...