Post deleted by KMEJ

KMEJ, his abusiveness is the elephant in the room.

GC

I guess what I am wondering is do I accept this baby step and hope that more are taken or do I do something else?

A baby step towards WHAT KMEJ ?

He hasn't chnged positively one IOTA.

Its progress if you're happy that he only treats you like sh&t when he's not alone with you, without ANY SIGN or commitment that he is trying to improve his behaviour.

And as Gray says he can choose to phyisically hurt you anytime he chooses.

What you describe isn't any of the definitions I know of the word 'love'.

A better word to describe his behaviour is "Abuse" not love.

I think living with your H has adjusted your perceptions of love KMEJ. I must know 300 couples well and not one of them has the kind of 'Stockholm syndrome' abuse/gratitude dynamic in it that your relationship seems to have.

Its is NOT getting better. Your H is NOT ttrying to change for the better, is NOT making any tangible efforts to imporve his behaviour, is NOT seeking counselling, is STILL angry and abusive to you and the kids.

I ask again in what way is the fact that he doesn't abuse you when theres no-one else around positive ?

Its not my job or my right to tell youwhat you should tolerate in your life, but it hurts me to se a smart, pretty woman soaking up the abuse of a pig, and trying to find goodness in him that frankly, on the strength of the evidence I have seen via your posts, does not exist.

Theres nothing even slightly 'mixed' about the signals your H sends you. He abuses you, you soak it up, he gets a kick out of it and does it again.

KMEJ - If you don't mind staying with the stereotypical tom cat, continue with the status quo.

Tom cats are very territorial. They chase off every other male within a multiple-mile radius (I grew up out in the rural farm land area, and our tommy was not a stereotypical tom, but no adult tom came within two miles of our farm.)

Tom cats are h*ll in the love-making department. They expect the female to acquiesse while he growls and spits and bites at her. But she shouldn't feel bad - he does this to every female and he brands ownership over all females in the territory.

Tom cats do not participate in the caring for his own babies. In fact, if given a chance, he will kill every single one of them so as to not have any rivals.

Your husband expects you to submit and "like" his brand of abuse; he is not faithful to you. He'd just as soon allow his children to come to harm, than be bothered caring for their wellbeing while you work.

He's nice to you as long as there are no rivals for your attention - including his own children.

When are you going to see him as he is? Because until you do, and take appropriate action, your resident tom cat has no incentive to get off his relationship-lazy butt and earn his marriage to you!

And your children grow up believing that children should have no nurturing fathers, and this will go another generation. Are you willing to watch your children bring up your grandchildren this way?

Post deleted by KMEJ

KMEJ...my STBXH is much like yours. I get mixed messages daily, even hourly. I can not understand what goes through his head and probably never will. My WH like yours uses every thing he can to control me and then "softens" and makes me think there is a chance for this marriage. Well.....there isn't. These men do not have it in their hearts to love anyone but themselves. They know the buttons to push, the right words to say when they want something. They are manipulators and prey on those closest to them. WHY...because we let them.

I have finely replaced my thoughts of losing him, and the OW to how great it is going to be to meet someone who will make me laugh, who will appreciate my efforts, who will actually go out of their way to do something for me.

KMEJ....cut loose with me, you won't be alone. Your babies deserve better.

Post deleted by KMEJ

Ah OK, more talk.

As Dr Phil says " How's THAT workin' out for ya ?" .

Bob the talk I was refering to was the option of either Counseling or seperation.

KMEJ I am not being sarcastic. You are talking about doing something again instead of doing something. You want to discuss leaving him with your WH ? Do you think he'll be reasonable? Do you think he'll embrace you, crying and repent of his abuse ?

Or will he get angry , threaten you, or even WORSE be really nice for a while to get your hopes up before taunting you again ?

If you even FEAR him getting angry , IMO, you have your answer.

Frankly KMEJ, its nothing to do with your WH if you want to leave.

Your choice though, really. I should shut up and back off your threads again. They upset me too much.

Indeed KMEJ. I'll stay out of it.

All blessings to you.

bob I am sorry that it upsets you- that is why I only lerked here for the longest time. I appriciate your insight and wisdomw. I will go back into the shadows again.

KMEJ
DO NOT lurk !

You need to post here more than anyone else i know !!!

I feel I smack you around the head every time I speak to you, but its out of care, not meanness. Only it doesn't look like that.

PLEASE post and stay here...maybe someone gentler than me can persuade you to act more decisively in your life.
All blessings KMEJ. Really.

I just want to stop slapping you upside the head when it doesn;t work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by KMEJ

KMEJ OK its a deal - YOU CONTINUE posting, and I bite my lip a little <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I see the best in people too, but I don't let it blind me to the bad stuff anymore.

All blessings KMEJ.

please do not hurt your lip!! a good 2x4 is needed sometimes. I do not see things clearly. I think you are right, I think my since of what is right and acceptable is warped. I see marriages that i want, and yet I have nothing even close to it. It is sad really sad.

Geez you two. Just quit threatening to crawl into your caves, will ya?

KMEJ, Bob is right. If you have a talk, H will get mad, or he'll get reeeeeally nice. But he will not change anything. He doesn't have to. He just has to throw you a bone, make you think hm, maybe he's good now, long enough to get back into the routine.

I need to be honest, KMEJ. I hope you divorce him. He seems like a major a-hole and a spoiled little mama's boy. Staying with him increases the likelihood that your children are going to have the worst kind of screwed up relationships when they get to adulthood.

But KMEJ, I don't see him as a cartoon character, a fire-breathing monster that rampages around all the time. Guys like him don't work that way.

I wonder... do you have a vision in your mind of what an abusive husband is like? What is that vision like? What does the worst kind of abusive man do that your H doesn't? Does anything about your H's behavior make him worth extra consideration?

GC

KMEJ....Bob and Gray are the best friends youv'e got on this board. They say things you just don't want to hear. When all is said and done their words will come back to haunt you.

Your H and my H have problems that neither of us can solve. I don't care how much love and understanding you give them..it will never ever be enough. You and I will never be good enough. We are the cause of their misery and they will always let us believe that. And one day you will be standing there wondering how the hell you ever got to where you are. Noticed I said you not us.....I made the decision last week to stop the pain and hurt by removing myself from the line of fire. You need to too!!! As scary as it might seem......no matter if he "Really is a good man".....it is time to let them have what they want......which isn't us.

Mine came back too...although his intentions were never to reconcile, just to get the finances back on track. Sadly I thought things would be OK, when all that has happened is that I am starting to see him for what he really is. And although I love him.....I don't think I am in love with him anymore. Your WH needs to do a lot more than take the day off for your bday.

KMEJ,

I'm sort of (but not completely) surprised that you are still putting up with the crap your H is throwing at you.

Exactly how long are you going to put up with it?

Didn't you have a set date at one point, where if nothing had changed you were going to do something about it?

I'm waiting for the day that you finally put your foot down and say...."I'm outta here".

I fear that you will never get yourself to that point though.

Post deleted by KMEJ

I have followed your story for quite some time, and finally one day a posted to you. This is what I posted:




---- you see only what you want , and for some reason you think there is hope for your marriage. You are 27 yrs old...
time is going by.....don't you want to live your life? I'm sorry if I sound frustrated, but you are addicted to this cycle of abuse in your marriage... whether he squeezes your hand at church or is nice to when you and him are alone is not reason to see hope. Come on....

There are no mixed signals hon....just what you're willing to put up with. Disintangle yourself dear!

Rachel