perfect-

Just a question-why do you think that the closer to the D you get you feel panicked, guilty and overwhelmed?

Think about it.

Why has a two year old thread been resurrected?

Inquiring minds want to know...

Mark

I don't know why someone did. I thought it was brand new. Plus, who knows what has been going on since then? I'm pretty sure that this is forgotten by now (or have been).

looks like theoneheloves stumbled on to this thread, related to it, and posted. Someone new in the the same sitch. Perfect is out, theoneheloves is in. She needs help, guys. Someone help her out.

tohl, I am a BS. Get out of this situation now. Turn from sin, walk away, or your life will turn to ashes.

In the event that someone is currently in this situation and really does want advise, I have a few things to say.

Regarding exposure, it is not done out of hatered or revenge. And there are benefits way beyond simply ending the affair early. For me, these were just some of them:

- through exposure I met the OWM who was not only sharing the same corner of h**** as me, but he knew many details about events of which I had been told lies. From him, I was given the truth.
- through exposure I was able to reconnect with some of my inlaws, most of whom had been given a spin-doctor version of what happened that made me look like the one at fault. Some still see me as the enemy but several know my side of the story and support me. This may sound revenge-ish in the sense that WH's brothers are angry with him, but don't forget in having his affair, I not only lost a husband but an entire family.
- through exposure, I gained support and sympathy from all of our friends. Initially, he tried to make it seem as if we mutually decided to split up so most people stayed out of it. But as people found out the truth, the outpouring of love and support to me was overwelming and much needed. You have no idea the pain a BS experiences, and the fear and the loneliness. I couldn't have made it without these people.
- through exposure, I ensured a better financial settlement for myself. No, this is not what my intention was (at the time I would have given up everything for a shred of hope to have him back). But essentially this was a result since it made him feel guilty, as well as put pressure on him to decide one way or the other, he settled for less to get it overwith quickly. I'm only just starting to appreciate the value in that.

I can't imagine not exposing an affair, regardless of whether you want to save your marriage or not. Accepting it in silence is akin to approving of it. It is also accepting blame for a horrible act the WS did.

If you are an OW or OM, please understand the depth of the pain you are causing whether you have been discovered or not. This is pain no reasonable person would wish on their worst enemy. It's not just the betrayal, but also the lies and deception that go along with it. And the flat out cruelty of the whole situation. Just look on this board how many BSs have been here for years trying to recover from the pain their OP and WS caused them. It is without a doubt the most horrible act you can commit, regardless of your religious affiliations or lack thereof. Please don't do it and if you have already started, please stop before it's too late.

My wife pulled the same sanctimonious garbage that you are spouting here.

You ARE the bad guy.

You ARE a monster.

And the sooner you realize the path of destruction you have caused the better.

You want "christian kindness"? ACT like one and not some hippie "do what feels good" pagan reprobate.

My wife even pulled the "god card" on me to justify her abominable actions.


Congratulations, you have harmed your children, destroyed TWO families and devestated someone who you swore to in front of God that you would NEVER do such a thing.

ALL of your justifications are merely selfish reasons to your addiction of fornication.

I am a newly betrayed spouse (see my sig).

I have been struggling with the exposure issue since D Day #1.

At the moment I feel that unnecessary exposure will do more damage to our marriage than good.

I am hoping to recover our marriage and in my opinion the only way to do is this by my WH and myself concentrating on our marriage.

I do agree with Perfect Wifewhen she says that exposure can seem like emotional blackmail. I wouldn't like to think that my WH was staying with me just because he was under threat.

I feel that the right time to expose is when you feel there is no chance of recovery.

I find it totally humilating being the BS. I would hate to be the subject of gossip.

I also feel that you should be careful who you expose to. It is probably OK to expose to the OWH (my Wh OW is single) because he deserves to know the truth.

I don't you should expose to parents, children or bosses unless there is no chance of recovery.

If the marriage does recover you will have put these people through a great deal of trauma forno good reason. You will have caused them stress and worry they needn't have had by dragging them into what is essentially a private matter.

I have been encouraged by people on MB to expose to my inlaws. They are old and not in good health. They would be devastated if I exposed their sons affair to them. I am like a daughter to them. If we can recover I would rather leave them out of it. Why hurt them unnecesarily.

Just my opionion.

kimleigh2

Over the years, I have wondered what would have happened if I had exposed my x's emotional affairs to his family and our church leaders.

Cinderella, do you mean that you wonder if you could have stopped the affair or if you might have changed how others viewed you/him? Sorry, I don't know your story.

Before this happened to me, I would never have advised exposure to anyone, nor did I ever see myself doing it either. When it did happen, I felt ashamed and reluctant at first. But as soon as I started to tell people, I began to feel better right away. Everyone was so supportive to me and his entire support network fell apart. Though it didn't end the affair, I believe it will someday. He is living with OW now, they have no friends at all, and there is dissention in both of their families regarding their status. WH's brothers aren't speaking to him, though his mom is still behind him all the way (he gave his spin-doctor version of events before I spoke to her). As for OW, her family has made it clear that she is welcome to visit them but he (WH) is not. She brought him to her father's funeral which infuriated her family.

This is not to say that I feel "good" in anyway that all of these families are crumbling apart or anything. Over time, the brothers will resume contact and OW will patch it up were hers. But none of them will ever support this relationship. Someday it too will break down and there will be nobody to help them through the rough patches. Sad, but it is what they deserve.

As for me, everybody knows I kept my vows. My support network is not only intact but it is stronger. I've kept my dignity and self respect because nobody is wondering what I did wrong. They know who was wrong.