|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
Listen up girl.
Your daft WH's recent behaviour shows ME that he is begging you to be a strong, loving lighthouse and rescue him from the hole filled with [censored] that he dug himself and jumped into.
He has no experience of extricating himself from this level of trouble, and is right now seriously considering taking his life away from the pain, rather than the pain away from his life.
This is best opportunity I have seen since I've been here for you to break their affair. I can see the fissues in their affair from here.
I do not read that your WH is able to value himself highly enough to make a move back into your life ( if that is what you wish) so I think the onus is on you.
Others may disagree but I think a serious Plan A in the style of Ark's lighthouse is called for.
Its a great opportunity TT. Don't squander it if you want him back.
He NEEDS you TT. Even if you don't end up reconcile dhe needs you to save his life and his self respect from that harpie.
Over to you.
{{{{TT}}}}
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383 |
Your daft WH's recent behaviour shows ME that he is begging you to be a strong, loving lighthouse and rescue him from the hole filled with [censored] that he dug himself and jumped into. See you can fit into OZ any time .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> TT hes really done this to himself , Bob's right you know, if there is any lingering desire to have him back its going to be the lighthouse job. Still a big chance of him self destructing though ... becoming an expert on that particular disease <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> hugs dear [[[[[[TT]]]]]]
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
^ Bump for Pimlico Patty ! ^
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
* bump * you gotta check in again sometime TT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 158
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 158 |
I agree with Bob.
My WH's actions were telling me that he wanted help getting out and the past week or so I've been doing a friendly, distant (separated, mostly via phone) plan A and he seems to be really responding. I'm seeing and hearing him interact with me in ways that I haven't seen in several years. Right now it's mostly chit chat but we are making progress towards something...not sure what it is yet.
Help him out...it takes more strength and effort from you but I think he'll respond to it.
(Bob...where can I find out more about Ark's lighthouse style plan A?)
BS-28 (Me)
WH-28
Married: 06/05/04
D-day: 3/13/05 EA/PA
D-day: 9/22/05 PA
Together 5 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know.... And a site search will pick up all kinds of discussions about this.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
Ping ! C'mon I know you read this...
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Good God Bob, how did I miss this! I PROMISE I will get back to you shortly but I've got a travel agent to deal with first. TT
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,753
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,753 |
tt, so sorry we didn't catch up. I will call you from OZ. The week totally evaporated. My head is still spinning. I tried to call you from the airport. I don't know what the lateston your H is coz I haven't had enough time to read the threads.
Now I can't remember when you are leaving. But will check in on you over the next day or two.
take care
AN
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Anyname - thrilled with the settee. Thanks so much. Wish you all the very very best in your return to Oz. Email me at wiggles@netvigator.com once you are settled. Bob - you are so very right. The man needs saving but I am trying so hard to think what lies ahead for me, and it doesn't bode well. Does that sound selfish? The events of the past week came out of the blue and have messed up my head. Right now he's moved into a serviced apartment, not too far from my house. He's coming over tonight to babysit (I'm in a mahjong team on Thursdays). With my trip home, things seem hard to work on. I've asked him to come too. He needs to face people and face their wrath (both sets of grandparents have worried themselves stupid over his actions). I will be impressed if he comes. It would be a very positive step so we'll see. At the moment, I am here for him. He's still talking crap and here's a corker. She owes him a nice juicy rent deposit back (nearly 2 grand) and that needs sorting out. It's been an overwhelmingly emotional week all round (lots of alcohol didn't help). I can't fathom him moving back in yet. He needs to prove himself worthy which makes me sound very pious. I don't mean to sound like a [censored] but the man done me wrong - big time. Eg of his [censored] - Weds: "I want to come home". Thurs: "you've got to think divorce is the only solution". Fri: "I can see a future with OW". Back later. TT
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
TT
I was just pointing out how much he needs you if you want him back.
Up to you if you want any of the futures that are possible if you DO take him back.
Firm boundaries and plan A required and you can only do that if you REALLY want to IME.
All blessings darl'
BTW if you fancy a pint and a chat in the UK (chaperoned if you wish!) I 'll ping u my email address.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Bob - I am so torn right now. I might come across sometimes as a bit blase but this is my most troubling time since Dday. I KNEW this would come. He wants to take me out before I leave (it must be more than 4 years since those words came out of his mouth!) so positive action there. I really need to see him prove he is worthy of a place in our family again. I'm so scared of being hurt again - I have been strong throughout all his messy business. Now I feel a huge onus on me and I don't know if I'm capable of pulling him back because I don't know what I want. But then, why have I been reading so avidly on MB for all these months? Bob, if your travels take you to London or Liverpool, a drink would be great. I've got to go now. You've got my email above somewhere.
Last edited by tucktummy; 06/30/05 11:52 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Bob and anyone else who cares - I need your thoughts and prayers. Firstly, I am far from convinced his A is over. I hope it is but the honesty and openness he expressed the other night have not been so apparent the past couple of days. I'm sure I'll know very soon whether she's still on the scene or whether he's just going through withdrawal. But I NEED help now. I would like to be that lighthouse but I don't know if I am capable of it. If we could all be a united, happy family again, so many people would be pleased. I know I have been supportive but I haven't been affectionate with this man for over a year. I am stumped. tt I'll have to come back to this tomorrow. It's too late to think about building a marriage. (1.10 am in HK)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
TT
I bet the kooze is still on the scene but the cracks are visible from the moon !
A great opportunity for you to plan A and offer WH a non judgmental and loving alternative to the trollop.
BTW
so many people would be pleased
Couldn't give a shiny [censored] how many people will be pleased. This is primarily about YOU , not a democratic decision.
It'll be hard work TT with lots of bad days and no guarantees, but I can SMELL the opportunity for you to smash the A with MB on the air at last.
All blessings TT. Sleep well.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
The 'people' I refer to Bob are the grandparents. I hate the anguish that this has caused them. At their time of life, you'd imagine them living a quiet, peaceful existence; children grown up. I know you didn't tell Squid's mum and were later pleased you hadn't when her health fell apart. It does shatter their world and it is so awful being on a telephone 7,000 miles away with tearful old ladies on the other end. So, I do give a shiny [censored] about them BUT totally understand that this cannot be about anyone other than Peter, me and the girls.
I woke this morning with a positive mood. I have to lose my defensive attitude around WH and attempt to pull him back. So much is at stake and he is worth the gamble, despite the hardships ahead. I'm away until mid-August and I hope to get back from England refreshed, lots of new cloths (UK size 16 is pretty hard to come by in the Chinese boutiques - size 12 is considered 'big' here apart from M&S), and with a determination that might surprise even myself. I know I need to climb on board with a stronger belief that this can be done. If, by Feb I feel I really have given this my best shot then things will have to change and, by that, I mean D. Feb might seem like a long time but it has significance on two counts. 14 Feb was Dday. Also, in Feb, I will be entitled to HK Permanent ID and will no longer be his dependant here. I could then safely stay and let my daughter finish her exams before repatriating. It seems such a long way off but I'm sure the years go by quicker these days!!
If anyone has any advice, I would welcome it. I truly believe the biggest step forward Peter could make would be a trip to England to join us. He MUST face up to people sooner or later. Why not now? Do you ever sit back and think, "I just can't believe this is happening to me". Even 16 months after Dday it's all a bit surreal. TT
Last edited by tucktummy; 06/30/05 08:21 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
TT
No advice needed darl'.
You need to get straight in your head and heart that you want a future with WH in it enough to begin this hard, uncertain fight.
Nobody can tell you what you should do.
I suspect there are many conflicting emotions running by you. Th efact that you will fight hard to win the right to be a nurse to an increasingly frail , ill man which may not be what you want in your future ( do NOT feel guilty about this - your WH cut your 'sickness and health' agreement with a NUKE by his affair).
You may genuinely not love him anymore. Or not in the right way anyway. That perfectly understandable, he has been anti-lovable for months now.
You may STILL want to hold out for 6 months so you'll have visa independence and will be free to make your own future with your girls.
You may not feel up to the task, when you see such wrenching pain and dashed hopes of so many plan A'ers. I conveniently overlooked the MANY eventual success stories of plan A and B to see only the pain caused, when I was plan A'ing. Took a force of will to carry on I can tell you.
But at the base of all that is : do you want to have a loving relationship with WH enough to do what you need to achieve that ?
Work that one out GUILT FREE and the rest of the decision swill come easy.
All blessings TT.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Thanks for taking the time and trouble with your thoughtful reply Bob. If we do meet for a bevvy, I will never be able to call you anything but Bob. Maybe we could have a UK MB get-together?
As for his lordship, I can't imagine him bringing much happiness into my life but I also can't imagine a future without him (yet). He's on trial at the moment. When I get back mid-August, I will do my utmost to embark upon recovery with him. Our relationship has been so imbalanced and so much has to change. He either wants this opportunity or he doesn't and I really cannot waste another year of my life in limbo land.
Bob - I know your Dday is coming up. Squid's a lucky lady that this anniversary will be spent in the bosom of her family. It really didn't take a long time for her to wake up and smell the roses. So glad you're doing well. Take care kind man. TT
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Incidentally, if I am still here tapping away next 3rd July 2006, not sure what to do, shoot me. tt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
TT, Squid and I are both lucky and blessed that we're in the place we are.
I'm very pensive about this "Fannyversary", but not really sad however I look at it. It was a horrible thing that happened but it just seems a squandering of the strength I have and the life I have rebuilt to waste any of it looking up my own [censored] and sniffling.
You have a great opportunity. I just wante dyou to recognise that your ONLY obligation is to your own reflection. Be proud of what sin there and you'll be OK.
I hope we meet in the summer. Trouble is I think I'm the only UK bloke MB er ! Might start a rumour or two with I show up somewhere with a bunch of stunners !
All blessings.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
204
guests, and
14
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
