MY STBXH has suggested we try a birds nest custody arrangement, which basically means that the kids stay in the family home and the parents take turns moving in an out between the hom and their apatment. This way the kids are less disrupted. Most of the times each parent has their own apartment, my STBXH suggests that he and I share a 1 bedroom apartment. I stay there when he is at the house with the kids and then we switch when it is my turn with the kids. Personally I think this guy is a nutcase. He is the one that wants a D, but still trys to control the whole process. Sometimes ideas like this make me feel he is not ready for a D and is trying to hold on.

Oh, did I mention he brought this up after I had told him I had found an apartment for the DD's and I? He says we should try this for a year until we get our finances squared away. Any thoughts?

[color:"blue"] Birdsnest custody arrangements are usually very costly. They require good communication like most custody arrangements, but also some degree of respect.

What if your stbx is a slob and you end up cleaning the apartment and the house both because he just leaves them both crappy?

You would have no privacy unless it was portable (in your suitcase). Even then, what would stop him from just dropping in and snooping on you if he had keys to both "your" places.

Sounds to me like he wants to share expenses and not pay child support - best of both worlds.

I had to laugh as I wrote this because it reminded me a little of my ex. He was having an affair. I was sleeping on the couch and had been for 2 years while he played around. He was surprised when I told him I would not tolerate the situation any longer because he thought we had a "marriage of convenience" as he put it. Well I didn't think it was very convenient. I got to foot the bill for many of the expenses, had to sleep on a couch for crying out loud, and was celibate. All while he got his own room, bath, maid, cook, expenses, play time, and sex.

still chuckling at that one

V. [/color]

Sunny....my sentiments exactly. I asked him about the cleaning, and he commented that we would have to make sure we cleaned up at the end of our week. Someone also mentioned to me about the DD's laundry. Each person would have to do that weeks laundry before then next person came back.

I don't think he would snoop, I don't even think he has thought that part out. I would have to demand that no OP's were brought back to the apt. I don't want to be sleeping in the same bed he is having sex with someone else in. I believe the only way for me to move forward is to have absolutely no contact with him. This set up I would still be tied to him in many ways.

It is a way for the $$ to be controlled by him, and allows him to skirt the issue of child support. Again I think it is a way for him to keep control. Just as he sees me taking steps to seperate from him, he comes up with this. I am thinking I won't be buying into this one.

Trust WS to NOT hump around?

Huh?

Isn't that why you're here to start with?

Let's count up the reasons why a WS would love this arrangement....

1. No CS
2. Not only no CS but added expenses for you
3. WS will control your social life
4. You will have no control over his
5. Once you make this a legal binding agreement do you expect the WS to follow it? He will do laundry, clean up, not hump OP's at the apartment?
6. How long do you think this would be possible? How long till he is telling you to get your own apartment?
7. How long before you feel nasty for sleeping in the bed...the bed you KNOW he is doing suzy rottencrotch in?
8. Privacy? Nope...not anymore...not a bit

The thing is if you have ZERO intention of working on the marriage...I would put this choice right below living in an igloo above the arctic circle and right above living on the edge of an active volcano.

Birdsnest is a good term for this...it sounds like it's for the birds or birdbrained anyway.

But hey, what do I know? I live in Cleveland...lol

RebornMan

I personally don't think it's a good idea. If he chose to leave then let him find his own place and see what it's like.

Tree...he moved out last fall and then back in 2 weeks ago. I asked him to come home to work on things, he came home, but never started to work on things. He admits it was to free up some cash. mainly because he hadn't been able to go golfing everyweekend. I decided that I didn't want to live in the house. It holds no meaning for me anymore, in fact it never was a "home" to me because I was never allowed to make it one. I always had to ask him to hang pictures because he didn't trust me to do it without wrecking the walls. We have never fully furnished the new family room we added, because he didn't think we needed any. Get my drift?

So anyhow I want to move out with DD's. He says that someone NEEDS to stay in the house for the girls stability. I disagree. He wants to do this birdsnest for one year until he can decide if he can swing a refinance and to give him time to "fix" all the things he has neglected to "fix" over the years. you know...the ones I always would [censored] about.

I found a nice apartment 2 blocks from our house. That way the DD's will still be close to friends, dog (who is staying at the house), etc. I redid the budget and think I can swing the apartment even without CS. I have come up with the idea of keeping a joint account that we both deposit funds into and write kid related expenses to. He thinks that my asking for CS has nothing to do with the girls and that I am just trying to make things difficult for him. He is very tight fisted and this could be a battle if he chooses to make it one. Last week I mentioned hiring an attorney to look over his income and he said "Go ahead and just see what happens to you".

Just lovely don't you think

[color:"blue"]I have heard that this "birdsnest" arrangement is the least disruptive for the children. Has to be two great people for parents and two extra apartments plus the children's home to carry it off, though.

Hence the really expensive to do it statement.

Personally I'm not that fond of my ex since his affair to want to clean up after him. He was a very hairy man. (ewww)

V. [/color]

Trust my x not to snoop! ha!

So, the children don't have to be uprooted but they have a parent's living out of a suitcase? And, for me, there would be a huge amount of emotional turmoil. Like that would be good for the children! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best. Whatever you feel will work in the best interest of the children and will help you out is what you need to do. Only you can decide that.

I'm trying to hang on to my house. My STBX lives with the OW. He is trying to force me to sell the home and make me and my son find somewhere else to live. The problem with this is I live in a really nice area and the market value has sky-rocketed. I can make over $100 on my home but I would have to move about an hour away from here to find anything I could afford. My STBX wants my son close by. See my problem??? Even the apartments here are as much as my house payment.
I just pray my STBX will come to his senses that me and my son need to stay put.

It may be ok as a temporary situation but I can't imagine it being very good long term. On visitation days WW still brings the kids over to my place and stays here for a couple of hours (with the kids) until I get home. I really don't like it but the visitations aren't too frequent and right now the alternatives just make it more difficult for the kids, so I'm gritting my teeth and putting up with it for now. Not sure how much longer I can take it though.

And I agree with you and the others possible suspicions that there may be alterative motives as well. But maybe all us BS' are just suspicious by nature? Nah... what was I thinking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cheers,

Miker