Post deleted by CherokeeRose

[color:"blue"] Hi cherokee,

I too have a committed bf who keeps relationships with exes going. I was distressed at first to discover that he was good friends with his ex wife and that they

had taken vacations together with her husband (affair partner)
she stays at his house with husband a couple of times a year
she calls him frequently to chat and update him on her life

He also had brief relationships that he broke off with a couple of gals that still come by for get togethers at his house.

It bothered me a lot at first, less now. My situation and my guy may be different than yours. He is a very social, kind, and laid back kind of person. He doesn't rely on any of these women for emotional support (I think his ex wayward wife relies on him though). He doesn't look upon them any sort of special confidante or get any sort of emotional need met with them except for his need to socialize with friends. If anything he feels only the attachment you would have to a long term friend because he has known them for 15 or 20 years.

When they call, if I am there, he 99% of the time does not take the call - he prefers to be with me. When they are around he socializes with them no more than anyone else at the gathering.

I would say that if you stepped back and looked at the situation with your husband as unemotionally as possible, you might be able to see more clearly exactly what is going on. It is NOT a good thing if he confides in them, spends excessive amounts of time with them, or sees a lot of them when you are not around. It may be something completely innocent if he, like my BF is just one of those friendly sort of people that manage to shift to "distant friend" mode from intimate mode.

V.[/color]

Hi -

I am just getting used to using this site. Can you tell me where I can find the list of abbreviations for; Divorced Husband, Wife, etc...?

In regards to my situation. He does not know that I know that he is still keeping in touch with all the other past girlfriends and ex including entire ex's family members that also include a Motorcycle Club that his ex's family belongs to (that I am not invited or involved in). Nor has he shared that he is.

Once, about a year ago I found he was in contact with old girlfriends because he received Emails and Instant Messaging while I was present sitting on his lap while he was checking his email. He was very uncomfortable that I saw them, and I was very hurt and since then I began to distrust him. He told me that he would stop that he didn't know that it bothered me. And yes, I feel he does share intimate things with one or more of these women about our relationship, for advise purposes... This is what I feel is unfaithfulness, that will eventually lead to cheating, etc...

When we first met 2 yrs. ago, we talked about ground rules, basically what each other expected out of a loving relationship and we went from there. I remember him telling me that once he crossed a bridge he never went back over it again. Meaning when he left a relationship he moved on and it was over and he never looked back again.

At that time we were very open and he shared w/me about his first marriage, the strenghts and weaknesses. Then about his past experiences in dating after he divorced. All of the women that he dated ended up basically dumping him. Each of them used him to meet financial needs.

With his encouragement I shared with him my marriage/family, my strenghts and weaknesses as well. He stated then that after those discussions that it was his wish and belief that we not look back anymore, not discuss our exes or past girlfriend/boyfriends with each other. Once we fell into a deeper intimate commited relationship he stated that when he is with one woman that she is the only woman that he is with or commits to and that he did not believe in either man or a woman that was commited to be in contact with past intimate partners.

His first wife was a childhood friend and he went to HS w/her. After they married, she cheated on him throughout their entire marriage (10+ yrs.). Then one day, left him. He was left with their two daugthers, she had moved out of state w/a boyfriend when he was first going through surgery for colon cancer.

Coincidentally, I married at 18, my ex also cheated on me throughout our marriage of 22 yrs. I always wanted to leave him and would try to plan on how I could do it, but loved him and our children so much, I didn't know how, especially financially. I went to counseling over the years through our marriage trying to "Fix" me by myself. Besides knowing that he drank heavily prior and during our marriage. I didn't realize until toward the end of our marriage that he was a drug addict and had been since before we got married.

I know my new husband is a "Caretaker", he was raised that way and says all of the time, "It is My Job". He would give the shirt off of his back to a poor strager. He constantly gives all to others before he takes care of his own needs. He is a very good loving man (A TRUE ANGEL IN EVERY SENSE OF THE MEANING).

We both have the common denominator; Caretakers... Over the last 6 yrs and still working on it, I have been trying to work on ME first as I know this is where my happiness with myself has begun. Secondly, trying to understand and communicate with him what his emotional needs are so that we can grow and have a strong loving relationship together.

We both weave in and out of the Caretaking with our grown kids... But we parent very differently. He says that I am very hard on my kids (but we don't fight about it, it is just his belief). Like I said, he is a Caretaker to all, before he takes care of himself...

He does not have what I would call a "Best Man Friend". I spoke to his mother about these other women a year ago, she said to let it go, he doesn't have men friends, and that all these women are, are just "Friends" that I was being immature and to get a "THICKER SKIN"...

He is either very happy and funny or he is very low and sad and crawls into his cave and stays there (I leave him alone when he is in the cave. He will usually share with me when he has sorted out whatever feelings that he is dealing with.)

After reading what you have said to me and standing back outside emotionally, I have come to realize that he is "Caretaking" these women, including his ex.

My dilemna is what about us and our relationship??? I feel that he thinks that I don't require "Taking Care Of". I don't, but I do need him emotionally and physically. When he spends all of his time TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE, except for himself, there is nothing else left to give to himself or to our relationship.

I AM HURT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I UNDERSTAND, BUT I KNOW THAT I DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE OUR RELATIONSHIP IN IT'S CURRENT STATE OF NO FUTURE VISION OR DREAMS OR PLANS FOR US... THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON AND GET THROUGH!

Thank you for responding to me, it is nice to know that there is a safe place to share and get/give advise with others that have problems too...

C