Last night I wasn't feeling too great, sorta sick to my stomach, so I went to bed early, I got up and put the kids to bed about 10:30, and my husband came in and got his stuff to sleep on the couch, and he was sorta slamming stuff around. I said "Are you mad that I went to bed?" He said "No, I'm not mad at all" (In a mad way) I said "Oh, okay......are you sleeping on the couch?" He said "What'd you think Caren....just because we had SF, everything was all better?" I said "I didn't really think about it one way or the other" He said "Well it's not" I said "Okay, well do you want to set the alarm for whatever time you want up?" So he walked over and set the alarm.

So he's laying on the couch with the TV blaring so I got up and shut the door. He got off the couch and opened the door back up and said "Leave the door open so I can hear the alarm" I said "I'll wake you up when the alarm rings, but I can't sleep with the TV on" He said "You fall asleep with the TV on all the time" and he went back and layed down. I said "Mark....I really can't sleep with that on, and shut the door again" He got up and opened it again and said "LEAVE IT OPEN" So I got out of bed, unplugged the alarm clock and took it out to him, went back in and shut the door again. So he comes back in turns on the light, plugs the alarm back in, sets it again, and turns the light on and walked out.

So I decided that I should probably go out and talk to him since he was being all combative and I wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway.

I sit down and I said "What on earth is wrong with you?" He said "Nothing Caren, I want a divorce" I didn't say anything. He said "I want a divorce and I want you out" I said "Mark, I've told you before, I'm not moving out" He said "Yes, you are, and all that stuff about you not being able to move in with your family is BS." I said "No, actually it's not, but I'm not moving out. I'm fighting for our family here." He said "There is no family anymore" I said "Of course there is. There's you and I and the girls, and we're a family" He said "Well I don't want to be anymore." He said "Caren, I'm done, I'm not in love with you anymore." I said "Mark, I don't feel all in love with you right now either, but we can get that back" He said "I don't even want it back, I'm done." Then he starts dredging up the past, and telling me that I drove him to have the affair, for things I'd done 8 years ago. I said "Mark, I know I have done some pretty messed up stuff, and I know my contribution in what happened before the affair, but I am not responsible for your affair" I said "I know I've hurt you in the past and..." He stops me there and says, "Oh I know but what you've done to me doesn't compare to what I've done to you right?" I said "That's not what I was going to say....I was going to say that I know I've hurt you in the past, and if I could take it back, I would.....but I can't, all I can do is change now" He said "Yeah well it's too late" He said "We are getting divorced, I've already talked to a lawyer." I said "You have?" He said "Yeah, I have" I said "What'd he say?" He said "He said it's a $1200 retainer, and I already have that put back." I said "Oh...." He said "And the lawyer said YOU would have to move out, because only my name is on the lease....not the kids....YOU" Then he said "And you working at the restaurant, you're not going to have the money to fight me".

I tried to state my case, again telling him I was fighting for our family. He wasn't hearing it. I apologized again, and said "Mark if anything I've done has ever hurt you even 1/2 as bad as I was hurting while we were separated, then I am so sorry, and all I can do is make it up to you. I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you." He said "Don't worry about it" I said "And, if this is about paying bills, I told you I was going to start working doubles and make sure they all got paid" He said "Don't worry about that either, you'll just be wasting your money" I said "Why is that?" He said "You'll need that money because THIS IS HAPPENING, you know that right?" I didn't say anything.

I said "Okay well I'm going to bed." He said "No, you're not!" I sat back down and said "What else do we have to discuss?" He didn't say anything for a long time, and then he said "So, are you going to divorce me?" I said "Am I going to divorce YOU?" He said "I mean are you going to give me the divorce?" I said "Mark, I told you, I am trying to save this family, and I can't in good conscience agree to anything like that".

So he got up and went to bed (In the bed) and I went in there too. We didn't talk, just went to sleep, and he got up this morning, didn't speak to me, kissed DD10 and left.

I prayed before I went to sleep last night, I asked God to take this problem, that it was more than I could deal with, so I was leaving it to him.

I don't feel all out of control today, as I normally would, so I don't know what's going to happen, or if he even truly talked to a lawyer. If he did, it must have been on the phone. And I'm VERY doubtful that he really has the $1200,.....but maybe he does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Caren-

This situation is SCREAMING of a man still involved in an A. Any chance he's just hiding it better?

BB

I'm leaving for work, I'll check back in later.

-Caren

Caren

Thats one horrible sit you have there.

No advice - that mess is WAY beyond my experience - just prayers

{{{{Caren}}}}

wow Caren- I am so sorry. Protect youself and do not let him force you to move out, you are MARRIED so even though you are not on the lease, you are still intitled to live there I would think. I also agree that I think he is still involved in a affair, either that or fighting the withdrawl. I am sorry but he did not give it enought time. It is not easy, does he think he did you this huge favor by coming back to you? That you owe HIM something. He sounds so much like my WH that it is unreal- be careful, be very careful

Caren,

Sorry to hear things have gotten to this.

If you even contemplate moving out consult a lawyer first. Can you talk to legal aid? If he does have a lawyer you need to be getting some legal advice from somewhere as well. The bit about the lease sounds like a load of crap to me... And absolutely don't move out without the kids unless you have talked to a lawyer and realize the potential pitfalls. That can be very dangerous for future custody negotiations.

Do you have a plan for finances and child care if you were to split?

Cheers,

Miker

Caren,

He is scared. Recovery is hard. You handled it well! Just keep plugging.

He cannot throw you out. You live there. And that has nothing to do with who is on the lease or mortgage. You live there, and have every legal right to remain there.

Just keep movign forward. There will be setbacks like this. We had plenty of them. But it will slowly calm down.

Keep working on the finances and working on you. God is handling the rest.

In His arms.

Brits- I suppose there is always a chance he's still messing around with her, although, I really don't know when he'd have time, I honestly can account for almost all of his time. He could possibly see her at work, but anytime I call there, he's there, so I know at the very least they aren't sleeping together. (And yes, I've also thought his behavior was screaming contact.)

Bob- Yeah the sitch sucks, I agree. I forgot a few things he said one of which was, referring to me not moving out, "I'm going to make your life a living hell" to which I answered "Too Late".

Apparently he's under the impression that I am enjoying myself on this emotional roller coaster.

KMEJ-Yeah, I am going to go more on the side of withdrawl, as he doesn't seem to have time for much else. I have no plans to move out, and although I'm not 100% sure on the law, I am pretty sure that he cannot have me removed, even if it is just his name on the lease.

ALSO, I forgot to mention, that after he told me the lawyer said I would have to move out. He then said "You know I'm breaking my lease by even having you here" (Although he borrowed the company van to move my things here and his boss is our landlord...AND....the landlord was here, not 2 weeks ago to fix the pump on the well, and I was here, and we spoke) He said "It says on my lease that I'm the only occupant" I said "Ummmm you told me you talked to him about it" He said "Well, I did, I told him you didn't have anywhere else to go...." I said "Hmmm I wondered if that was what you were telling people" He said "Really, since I'm breaking the lease we could ALL be evicted, I could make that happen" I said "Ummm okay".

So it doesn't actually sound to me like he really even spoke to a lawyer, because he's going right back to thinking of alternate ways to get me out.

And you are correct, he has not given this anywhere close to enough time.

Miker-

I would NEVER leave my kids. If I went, they would go, and if he really wants a divorce that bad, he can move out.

And No...there are no plans for finances and child care if this does happen, I am not even entertaining the idea of divorcing him, so I'm certainly not going to discuss the particulars.

Although he did comment, that he didn't care if he had to eat bologna and live in a box for the rest of his life....so apparently being married to me is worse than being homeless.

Mortar-

I figured that he couldn't throw me out, I think that even if you had a friend move in with you, and you wanted them out, you have to go through some kind of eviction to actually remove them if they won't go, and I've told him before there is no judge in the world that would throw his wife and kids out.

Ohhhh he also told me that he told the lawyer about me hitting him. I said "Okay" He said "Yeah I told him that" I said "Well, there was no police report, and you hit me too" He said "That was self defense" I said "Was it?" He said "Yeah, it was self defense, someone can only take so much" then he said "I know there was no police report, so it'd be my word against yours." (Not like I would lie about it, but I think it would be a moot point since we were co-combatants).

I hope that you're right, that he's just scared that things are gonna go back to the way they were before, and they are SO not even close. With the exception of going nuclear that day when we had smackfest, and the fricken utilities....it's night and day different.

I figured that is what I'd do, that I would just keep doing what I'm doing, and hope that it settles down.

Did your wife come unglued like that after you got back together???

Today before I left work, I got a to-go cup and got him a sprite with blackberry syrup in it (He really likes that) and I stopped by his work and went in and handed it to him. He said "What's this?" I said "A blackberry sprite" he said "Oh...ummm just set it in the back" So I was just looking at the salt water fish, and he was waiting on a customer, when he was done he immediately went and took a big drink, and then I said "So, any idea what you'd like for dinner?" He said "I dunno" I said "Well, it's pretty hot out, do you just want me to make some chicken breasts and cut them up on salad??" He said "Yeah, that's fine" I said "I think there are only 2 no bake cookies left" He said "That's okay, I don't need anything sweet" I said "Okay, well I'll see you at home" and started to walk away, he said "Be careful" I said "Always" and I left.

Then at the store I bought the stuff for dinner and they had portabella mushrooms on sale, and he's made me those before, so I bought some, and called him to ask him how to make them (I actually know how...it's italian dressing and mushrooms and then you broil them, but I thought this would be an opportunity to need his expertise) so he told me how to make them, and I said "If you have an occasion to go down to the grocery store (Which is in the same shopping center as his work) can you pick me up a lemon to put on my salad? (I don't like salad dressing, I just squeeze a couple lemon wedges on it). He said "Well I can probably stop after work" I said "Don't make a special trip, I can just use italian dressing, I just thought if there were a reason you'd be going down there you could grab one" He said "I said I can go after work" I said "Okay, I appreciate it".

So I haven't talked to him since. Don't know if he's planning on going sleeping on the couch or what, guess I'll burn that bridge when I get there.

I haven't been worried a whole lot, as I said I prayed about this last night, and I asked the Lord to take this problem.

I have also not mentioned a whole lot about religion to him since we've been back together, he always acts like it's a crutch, and per the bible I can lead him to the Lord by my acts, but last night, when he was talking about how if something wasn't important to me (i.e. keeping the house clean) then I didn't deem it important, I said "Mark, while we were separated I read the bible a lot, and I saw the error of my ways, and I have been trying to let you lead the family, and I have been making a valiant effort to do everything that you ask of me" He said "It took you that long?" I said "What do you mean?" he said "It took you 7 months of reading the bible to figure out what you were doing wrong" I said "No, it took me a while to change it, but I realized what I was doing wrong, and had I been following the bible all along, we wouldn't have been having these problems."

He also said "Caren, when we first got together you were all I ever wanted, I loved you more than anything else in the whole world....." and then he proceeded to quote the times I'd left him, and how it hurt him every time, and that all he ever wanted to grow old with me......but that I hurt him over and over again and he never got over it.

I said "Mark, I have a Valentines Day card from the Valentines Day before we broke up, about how much you loved me and how happy you were that I was your wife" He said "It was a Valentines Day card Caren....they were all mushy like that" I said "Then you signed it that you loved me with all your heart and forever". He had no answer for that.

*sigh*

-Caren

boy do i feel for you i can really relate. i am having the same problems with my wh and i am getting ready to lower the boom on mine. you seem to be handelling things great and i agree prayer goes a long way since i started praying i don't get as upset as i usually do i am calmer and more content, keep plugging

Caren,

Reach around and pat yourself on the back for your anger management practice session with your husband. Celebrate the victories in mastering your emotions and your responses to direct provocation.

Practice for the next time he lets loose a string of inflammatory stuff - because if he really wants you out, all he has to do is provoke you to lash out at him and he calls the cops.... Practice patience. Breathing. Calming. And letting him cool his angry jets instead of engaging in a conversation. That was your only mistake in this round - going out to continue talking with him when he's so obviously trying to escalate.

That guy is incredibly full of crap. Nothing you do will ever, ever be good enough. I will bet you a bowl of guacamole he is deep into an A and you and your kids are cramping his style. That's why he wants you out of the house.

Don't do it.

I agree with KaylaAndy. That was a step forward...for both of you.

This is what we call recovery, Caren. Yes, my wife went ballistic plenty of times after she came home. And she talked of divorce, and of how this wouldnt work. This is a process. There will be more negative than positive at first.

But the conversation you had with your husband was a huge one. You two were able to talk about how you felt, and so did he without fighting, without judgements. You used a lot of "I's" and not a lot of "you's." And thus your husband was able to think about and express how he felt about you awhile ago (and really does still underneath).

It is a process Caren. I told you...recovery is much harder than the affair.

In His arms.

Havent been here in awhile Caren, but I always check on the people I know. His behavior sounds really fishy to me. I wish you much luck and happiness.

Well he came home last night with a 6-pack, and started drinking even before dinner, he also brought home a boot-leg copy of Star Wars III that a friend had brought back from China and he borrowed (I'm not a big fan of this, as I think it's theft, but he didn't *buy* it). So we ate dinner while we watched the movie, he had about 3-4 beers, but he's a major lightweight, so he was pretty lit, his eyes were sorta glazing over and he was walking a little goofy and making little nonsensical comments about the movie.

About 3/4 of the way through the movie I put the kids to bed (They didn't wanna watch it anyway) and then I got up and took a shower, and came out in a little T-shirt and a thong, and sat back down and watched the rest of the movie. When it was over I got up and said "I'm goin' to bed, Goodnight, I love you" He said "Night" So I went in and bent down to set the alarm clock (I was bending over a little more than was actually necessary as where I was standing is in full view of where he was). He came in and said "What are you doing?" I said "Setting the alarm" He said "I can do it" I said "I've got it" Then I climbed into bed, and he went and let the dogs out and came in to bed too. I rolled over away from him, and said "Night".

Well he's over on his side of the bed fidgeting and tossing and turning, then he finally lays on his back, but I notice even though he's stopped rolling around the bed is still sorta moving. Apparently the beer made him feel rather amorous and he didn't want to include me, so he was ummmmmmm taking matters into his own hands, if you get my drift.

I almost laughed, a few minutes went by and I said "Do you two want to be alone?" He said "No" I got up and went to the bathroom, then I got back into bed, sans undergarments, and I leaned over and whispered that fact into his ear and said "Night". About 25 seconds later, it was SF time...lol.

This morning I got up, he was still asleep, since he didn't have to go to work until 1pm, and I went on American Greetings.com and printed a card that said:

Mark-
nothing I say now
can take away all the hurt
I've caused you,
but I want you to know
how sorry I am
for all I've put you through...

Inside Verse:

...and how very important you are
in my life and in my heart.

I Hope You
Can Somehow Forgive Me

And put it beside the alarm clock. Then I went and took a shower, and then I went in and woke him up with some advil and a glass of water, I said "Honey, I assume you probably have a little hangover, so I brought you some advil" He took it and said "thanks" and rolled back over and went to sleep. Then I got dressed kissed the kids and told him goodbye, and he said "Have a good day, be careful".

So went to work, and again, after work stopped by with a Blackberry sprite, as I had to go to the grocery store anyway. I said "Any idea what you want for dinner?" He said "I dunno" Then he said "Why don't you just get a frozen dinner." I said "Like what?" He said "Like some salsbury steak" {yuck} So I said "Okay" and I said "I'll see you at home" So I walked down to the store and got the frozen dinner and some instant mashed potatoes and he came down to the store too...to help me. LOL, like I need help picking out a frozen dinner, but I said "Is this the right thing?" He said "Yeah, that's it" and then he picked up frozen Mac and cheese and put that in the cart too, (they were on sale 2/5.00) and he said "See a whole dinner for $5" I said "Yeah, who knew?!" He said "I did".

He just called me (I've been home all of 20 minutes) and he said "Did you open the packages and see how to cook them?" I said "No, I assume it's pretty self explanitory" He said "Yeah" I said "Okay, well I'll talk to you later" He said "Okay, bye" and got off the phone.

I know some of you are going to ask why the heck I'm giving him a card apologizing, but he's apparently still hanging on to some hurts from the past, and I'm a big enough person to tell him I'm sorry for any hurts real or perceived that I've caused him.

For What it's worth....

-Caren

Caren, this is what I love about you. You have come so far, and I can't wait for the day when things are going really, really good for you (and him too if that is what you have chosen).

I had the problem with the AO's with my ex too, and I am learning so much from what you are accomplishing within yourself and the way you react to "stuff". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Weaver, that means a lot to me.

I suppose all I really ever had to do was engage my brain before I acted all along. (I've stated before the simplest things seem to escape me).

I can't wait for the day when things are going really, really good for me either...LOL, when is that day???

I can't take all the credit for managing my anger, I have to credit God with the majority of it. He brings me a sense of peace, even when my life is in chaos.

I wouldn't wish my experiences on anyone, but I feel like I'm becoming the person I was always meant to be through all of this.

-Caren

And maybe that is what it is all about.

Weaver-

Maybe it is.

I love my husband and my family very much, and I pray that there comes a day when he will be happy that I fought so hard to save it.

-Caren

> I pray that there comes a day when he will be happy that I fought so hard to save it.


I up that prayer to add that someday he fights just as hard for it, Caren.

Dealan-

That'd be nice too.

He brought up something the other night, I forgot to mention, when he was telling me that he wanted to get a divorce, and he had the $$$ etc, etc.

Back before I ever left him the first time (I left a total of 3 times, never due to an A, but due to depression.) He got a babysitter for the kids, took me out to dinner at a really nice restaurant, then took me for a carriage ride around downtown Columbus, then he brought me back home and there were rose petals all over the bed, and he fed me strawberries dipped in chocolate.....it was all so wonderful of him, but I was so depressed that I got up the next morning, told him I was sorry and I left. (I didn't realize what depression was, I thought depressed people layed around in bed all the time, and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin).

So he did all this for me, and I was still not able to be receptive to him, even though I felt really guilty for feeling that way (I think it may have been post-partum depression as my little one was still a baby), I couldn't be happy. I wasn't happy away from him either...so I yo-yoed back and forth, ending up leaving him a total of 3 times before I finally got my head out of my butt.

I can relate to the feeling of being so hopeless, of feeling out of love and unhappy. But he always just gave up and let me be, and that's something I can't do.

Our 11th anniversary is coming up on the 26th of August....and I'm just hoping that some of this will be resolved and it will be a happy one this time, last anniversary he went out with me to dinner (I bought) but he was already in an EA with OW.

-Caren

P.S. Sheesh I got off topic, the point of even telling that was he said "I did all that stuff for you, I tried so hard, and you got up the next morning and left anyway".