It’s been over a year since my marriage was destroyed by my WW infidelity. I am working hard to get on with my life and to create a wonderful life for my kids and I despite the continued bad choices my WW makes. Things have been going relatively good. Kids and I are really happy. The only thing I feel I’m really missing right now is female companionship. I really miss that. Lately I have begun to socialize with the opposite sex a bit. I am really clueless (having been with my WW since I was 19) and definitely guarded and I’m not sure I can handle rejection right now.

This past weekend I met a woman that I think I’m interested in. She definitely seemed interested but is quite a bit younger than me. We met via mutual friends so she may already know my history but I don’t think so. I’m not sure if I expressed my interest very well as I am a bit rusty (a huge understatement) at all of this. It was pretty subtle if I did.

To start with I’m scared that if and when I tell her about my history she’ll run for the door. I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there that my age that aren’t raising three kids on their own and don’t have a failed marriage in their resume. I am fairly young and look young but have a lot of “life experience”. I don’t know maybe its just too early and maybe it’s the wrong person? I just don’t want to miss the right opportunity or person because I'm being close minded.

But this still makes me angry because I continue to get punished for the bad choices my WW made. First I have my loyalty betrayed and my heart absolutely broken, then raked over emotionally, then financially, and now I have to deal with the negative connotations of divorce with future partners. It also makes me mad because I start thinking of all those years and the amount of time and energy I wasted on WW. It just doesn’t seem fair.

I just hate all of this. Why do people have to act like such idiots and treat others so poorly? Grrr….

Ok I’m done feeling sorry for myself now. I just had to get that out.

Miker

Miker,

I am sure this is easier said than done - but don't worry too much about what some folks call 'baggage'! Hope my little tale here helps...

My DH (who is still wonderful to me despite the fact that I told him I have had a crush on a co-worker - but I digress - that's a separate story on another thread) was just beginning his divorce when we met. He already had a one year old daughter - and it didn't matter one bit. I was young and a little scared, but the package deal did not turn me off completely. We will celebrate our 9th anniversary this year and have two more kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I think if you have met the right person, the fact that you have children will NOT scare her off. Hang in there!

Miker

Just because the WW/ plan D is teh biggest thing you've endured doesn;t mean it has to define you.

What tell a new special someone the dirty details of what your WW put you through ?

Almost 2/3 of Americans over 30 are divorced if stats are to be believed.

Meet new people, have fun with the, and don;t drag out the stinking carcass of your marriage breakdown from its grave.

"I'm seperated/divorced, it didn't work out" and a sad shrug should do just fine for a kickoff.

We all know you are at catch. What exactly do you know about this woman? My BIL had been deeply wounded by his first wife. It's an ugly story. This is a man who will never, ever betray a woman. His second wife is a woman who was put in the middle of her father's infidelity at age 20. She went through most of her adult life thinking that any man she met was going to treat her badly and dump her. Because she expected it, almost looked for it, of course, it happened.

These two very badly wounded people have come together to make a wonderful marriage. I can bet you that neither will ever cheat on the other. Affair-proofing, the hard way.

Chin up, Miker. When it's right, it will happen.

Miker,

I understand the trepidation you feel, but don't run from possible rejection; see it as a possible outcome and dismiss it if so.

This is not meant to be a downer, but I believe timidity in seeking a date or beginning a conversation tends to be a turn-off. If one senses the confidence they are more apt to wonder what you know that they don't. Some women are bound to blow you off, but if you sound like you expect or fear it, it will become a self fulfilling prophesy.

And really, a 33 year old man (young) raising three children on his own has to evoke a sense of respect. I know you have it from me.

On the other hand, as a fellow Canuck, in a country about to allow same sex marriages, maybe we can exploit the financial benefits and cruise chicks together!

Awww shucks you guys are awesome!! Thanks for the pick me up and kind words! I was getting a bit cranky. You really made my day.

Miss Georgie,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I don’t know if it will scare her off or not. It might, but so be it. I really don’t know very much about her yet or what she knows, but I sure felt like my friends were trying to set me up with her. I was really clueless to what was going on but she seemed more in the know so maybe she knows everything already… I need to do some more “research”… For all I know she might have a child of her own. How old were you when you met DH? What type of things scared you about him having a daughter?


Bob,

Yes divorce does happen a lot. And unfortunately infidelity happens a lot too. I have a hard time not wanting to explain things though once I say I’m divorced/divorcing. I don’t know maybe I take it too personally but I do see it as relationship failure and feel like I need to explain it. I know everyone has failures but to me it’s a big one and I’m not good at keeping secrets. I kind of feel like it’s a deep dark thing that I need to have out in the open, but you’re right maybe I am obsessing about it too much… Hakuna Matata right?


GrapeGirl,

A great catch? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I hope so. You are too kind. I do have a lot going for me but my life is… rather complicated. It’s sure going to take a special woman to put up with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I really don’t know much about her but plan to do some “research” since there was obviously some pre-meditation going on from my friends.

From the little bit of time I spent with her she does seem like she might be my type which was totally unexpected for me since I didn’t even think I “had a type” anymore! It is definitely nice to know there may be a faint hope for me not being alone for the rest of my life but now I’m into a whole suite of other issues. Live and learn... my life definitely is not boring!


Binder,

Thanks Binder. Yes the rejection thing is something I’ll just have to pony up and face sometime. I will try to stack the deck in my favor though to avoid it if possible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It all just seems so foreign to me… Unlike my WW I didn’t date while I was married.

Cruise chicks together? Anytime Binder. Although from this it might be pretty obvious I’m not particularly good at it! You might be better off going solo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Practice will probably make perfect when it comes to cruising chicks. Maybe you shouldn't read too much into this woman. You need to get your sealegs in the dating ocean. It's going to take a special woman to want to be around a ready-made family. It won't be easy but it will be worthwhile. You will find what your type is. You will decide what your boundaries are, where you will compromise and what you need.

Take it for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. As my friend say, "Don't invite trouble because he never brings a dish."

Hey GG,

Oh I can't even imagine her as being "trouble"... Only in a good sense! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But I guess we'll see what shakes out. I still may be the one who runs away kicking and screaming, not her!

But I will take one of my DD10's favorite sayings to heart though, and "CHILLAX!"

Cheers,

Miker