I know, for sure, that the PA is still going on. It is really hard to continue my plan A, but I am going to stick it out. I cannot and should not just ignore this fact though. I'm thinking of telling her this:

"I think it is time for us to talk about the only part of this that we don't talk about. I am not blind or stupid. I do not enjoy being played as a fool. Do you think I do not know that you are still having sex with OM. Let me tell what I think has been going on. You probably stopped seeing him that first week or so. Then you started talking to him again EVERY day. Things started to heat up again, you started talking to him more, lying about where you were, and seeing him again.

Why wouldn't you? The only think that changed is that I knew about it. I made it easy for you to go to him. I acted like I didn't know that you weren't really at friend1's house or friend2's house. I acted like I didn't mind that you said I'll call you back at 10:00 and didn't see you until morning. I asked for honesty, but didn't expect to get it. And now your right back into the same place you were a month ago. Except now it is easier for you because you don't have to pretend to love me anymore.

I want to try to work it out. I want you to want the same thing. But I can't make up your mind for you. I can only recommend that you break off this relationship that is doing nothing but hurt the people who love you. I know it will be hard. I'm sure the sex is really good. It always was on the rare occasion that you were sober. I understand that it is fun to be sneaking around meeting at secret locations or hotel rooms. But it will not last. And you will have done even more damage to my weakened spirit."

Too harsh? Not harsh enough? Opinions?

Depends on what you want to acheive.

I read through your thread and can not figure out if your wife ever told you she would stop seeing OM. In your 1st post you siad that she called him right in front of you as if you were'nt there. Has this changed in your recent interactions?? Have you agreed to work on the marriage or does she want out??

If she has claimed that she wants to work on the M and is no longer in contact with OM, then its appropriate to make some kind of comment. If OTOH, she wants out and is adement about remaining with the OM, such a confrontation would probably be detrimental.

She never commited to stop seeing OM. She did say that she would limit contact with him to try to figure out her true feeling. She still lies to me and tries to act like the PA is not still going on. I just feel like I can't just sit ignore this. How should I react. Something needs to be said, but what?

Hello,

You cannot have recovery if your wife is still seeing the OM and having sex with him. She lies to you and does not come home until the morning? You simply cannot accept and tolerate such behavior. There has to be consequences to her actions. If you allow this to continue then nothing will change and your self-repsect is destroyed. It takes two to save a marriage. Closing your eyes and allowing your wife to have sex with her lover is ridiculous. "No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change". This is also a terrible message to your children. I wish you luck.

Bryanp,

We are not even close to recovery. I am still in the beginning stages of plan A. I also understand that I cannot allow this behavior to continue. How do I confront her on this issue without LBing?

Hello again,

It seems that your wife has very little respect for you and it does not seem to bother her that she lies and cheats on you again and again and your are worried about lovebusting?
I suggest that you read Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. It is apparent that your wife is a cake-eater who feels she can have a husband and family at home and keep a lover on the side for her enjoyment putting your health at risk.

I would sit her down and tell her seriously and sincerely how hurt your are by her betrayal and her continual cheating. You inform her that you do not plan to stay in a marriage where your spouse lies and cheats to you. Put everything on the table. It takes two for recovery. Does she wish to be divorced? Are you both willing to commit to recovery and a marriage. No contact is absolutely essential.
It sounds like she thinks she can do anything to you and you will be accepting of her lies and betrayal. She will not respect you until she realizes this behavior will not be tolerated and accepted by you.
I think the more tolerant and accepting you are of her behavior the more disdain and disrespect she will have for you. Maybe just maybe the thought of divorce may wake her up. If the OM is married then immediately contact the their spouse. You need to ask yourself why you wish to remain married married to a wife who continuously lies and cheats on you and puts your health at great risk. I really think you need to start thinking of protecting yourself and your children. Being timid and accepting is doomed to failure. I wish you luck.

Well my two cents... you have to Plan A past this. Yes, that means knowing she is with the OM and loving her through it.

No, you cannot start R if the A is still active, but by attacking or further discussing the A or the OM would be a LB at this point. The point of Plan A is to make yourself seem like an attractive alternative to the OM. By making her feel guilty or defensive (although you rightly should!) you only serve to drive her further awaay and make OM seem like a better choice.

I tried the route of trying to undermine the A and the OW... blew up in my face! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She was laughing all the way cause she still ahd my H and she knew she was under my skin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Now I am proceeding with D and she can have him! Yeah, what a prize! A man who will leave his W and kids for a wh**e! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, not what any BS wants to hear but Plan A is very much about grinning and bearing it... your only alternative option to stay in Plan A and get it all out: EXPOSURE!

Put it all out in the open. If she needs to "choose" then make sure she has an imformed opinion by letting reality and the light of day all over her A and OM... tell her parents, friends, co-workers... anyone who may know them and see their behavior. You have nothing to be ashamed of, it is her cross to bear.

Word of caution, this weill probably tick her off for awhile. And don't be surprised if some take her side anyway... it is amazing how that happens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Good luck! You are in a tough spot right now!

But is there any way to at least let her know that I know what she is doing?

She'll know when you expose...and the word gets back to her that everyone knows what she's up to.

Realize that there rarely is any negotiating with someone who's caught up in an affair...it's like trying to negotiate with a drug addict over ending their drug use...

Talking with her about it is likely to do very little to help your situation. That's been my experience at least.

Hey,

Sorry to hear this but try this...Expose the damn affair!

No deep conversation, no long talk, keep plan A'ing and say this once, with zero emotion in passing through the kitchen, or on the way to the bathroom...say it with compassion and then go.

"I know you are still seeing OM(using his fullname if you know it) and it is destroying you, me and our children"

No more, don't be dragged into an argument...just look her in the eyes and say it.

While I am divorced now, that simple act knocked my WW off her rocker for a few days but she just wasn't strong enough to end it for good after all. She did cut him off for a week after that but weak will and no spirit doomed the whole thing.

Try it and see.

Talking to her right now will only upset you emotionally, and may cause her to tighten her secrecy.

Better to continue to gather all the information and proof.

Get all your ducks lined up for exposure. Then expose in one fell swoop with NO WARNING ... then she will find out that not only do *you know* the A is ongoing, but now just about everyone who matters knows as well. (then duck and cover)

Meanwhile, be careful. Refrain from expressing your emotional need to explode from this pain.....

This is a covert operation that requires planning and patience.

Hang in there.

Pep

Yes, I agree with RebornMan. YOu need to address that you know the A is continuing, but no long drawn out discussions. I like your first post, lays it out there...

I don't agree with the grin and bear it idea. Plan A is ALL about negotiating an end to the A. This includes EXPOSURE (if you haven't already, probably should have been first), cut out all LB's, and fulfill her top three EN's. Let her know EACH AND EVERY time when you suspect there is contact that you don't like it nad it is draining your love for her.

When you feel your love draining and you are getting dangerously close to losing ALL love for her, time to move to Plan B...have your Plan B ready.

You have the added challenge of her drinking. You may need to move toPlan B sooner just to remove yourself from that toxic behavior, and her sobering will probably need to be a condition of her returnign and recovery...

Everyone, except my family, already knows. OM has 1 friend and 1 ex-wife. They know. The friends that my wife still talks to helped her cheat on me. The ones that would help me have already told her she needs to end it and come back to me. She does not talk to them anymore. She feels "guilty". They don't "understand" her.

Her mom knew about it before I did. She told her "I see the way you look at him. No one in this family has ever been faithful. Why don't you be the first?" She knows, but their relationship has always been kind of oil and water.

I don't think exposure to my family would do any good. She has been avoiding them like the plague since this started. I don't know who else to expose to.

Everyone she talks to on a regular basis already knows. If they say anything about ending her affair, she avoids them.

We are talking about DEEP fog. Deeper than I ever imagined.