My wife and I were married in Feb of 2005. I am 28, she's 34. She came out of a very rough separation before we got together. We ended up splitting up for two months because she was cheating on me (twice in a year before we were married). She came to me at the end of January and told me that she was sorry, she didn't know why she did what she did except that it is her baggage from years ago.

Our relationship is the exact opposite from the standards we read about in books like "Men are from Mars". I am the one who seeks the reassurance and affection and she could care less. She doesn't share events and problems with me, she just closes up. She makes family outings with her kids at times she knows I can't go, but tells me I am part of the family. She hides things from me and I even caught her in a lie the other morning about calling the guy she works with that she had the affair with.

As usual, she came home Ped off and wouldn't talk to me before I had to leave for work (she currently works third shift). She gets angry at me when I try to get her to talk to me and she tells me over and over "Just let it go". This morning it went a step further and she ignored me talking to her about things in the house before I left.

A few minutes before I had to leave, I asked her if she was still "irratated" (which is her word for leave me the hell alone right now). She wouldn't answer me except for "What do you need". All I wanted from her was a hug, kiss and a chance to say "I love you" before I left for work. Needless to say, for the first time she shoved me. I told her I was tired of her playing power games with me (which she says she's not doing) and what I wanted before I left for work. She told me to leave the bedroom, I told her no and she kept shoving me. She kept saying that she needs her space. So I asked her if she wanted me there or not. Her response was "I'm not answering that because it's a stupid question".

She can't get into a talk without yelling at me, which in turn gets my blood flowing and I start yelling back, but 85% of the time she just starts yelling for no reason. We are in couseling with our pastor, but I feel like she leaves parts out that would make her look bad. She tells the pastor I am too needy but she forgets to mention that I am insecure because of the cheating.

This is tearing me up inside, she goes on the offensive and everything turns into a fight. She or I goes to work with me feeling like my marriage is over and she won't even touch or talk to me. It stays on my mind all day or all night and she admits that it doesn't bother her or interfere with her sleeping or working like it does me.

What am I to do? I feel like we can't afford professional counseling, I feel like we shouldn't have these problems this soon into our marriage. I want this to work, I put %110 into it and desire her to be my wife. She says that she is just tired of fighting, and knows that she will be ok either way it goes. It this marriage worth saving? Is possible that it is time for me to walk out and look after my needs instead of being a husband and feeling like I get nothing back but coldness? I realize that is blunt, but it is the way I feel.

I am open to any advice, but would love to hear from couples or guys who have the same problems.

Thanks,
Doug

Be aware that most pastoral counseling sucks. Unless you are lucky enough to hit one that's had formal training (and not just a class in seminary), be cautious.

With that said, it will be difficult for your pastor to advise you if he's only getting 30%of the story. The parts that aren't being shared need to be shared. If pride is keeping your W from sharing them, then you do it.

As to affording professional counseling, I guess in some ways that kind of puts the boundaries around how valuable your marraige is doesn't it?

There is lots of material on this site that may help, but it's up to you to read, and apply them directly to your own life. Not an easy task believe me.

Hello,

I am sorry for you. You must have been in some sort of denial before marrying your wife. She cheats on you twice before you get married and you separated because of her cheating and you have been only married since February of this year? Good grief. She continues to lie to you about contacting the OM and she simply could not tell you why she cheated on you in the first place? My friend the reason you date someone is to see what type of person they are. She cheats on you twice and you ignored it. Why is it a surprise that she continued this behavior in your marriage?

You have been married only for a few months and have already separated for two months because of her cheating.
You made a horrible mistake in getting married to her. I would contact a lawyer and see about an annulment. You do not have children. What you have been going through is ridiculous. You have married the wrong person. Imagine what it would be like if you married the right person. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? Do you really wish to have children with this woman? Look at your life. Is this really what you expected in a marriage? I wish you luck.

I must agree with Bryanp - and suggest "professional" counseling for yourself - alone. If you insist on remaining with this person, you really need a good therapist - they have a way (from personal experience) of knowing how to ask just the right questions that the truth is exposed. This woman has some serious issues, skeletons in her closet that are haunting her, demons!! Don't get me wrong - I am a woman, with my own demons, but I have a peace of mind that I wish my husband could share (my demons have made me wise and strong). I came to this site to seek some advise and thought I'd read others stories to see if anyone had some of the same issues. Though I have my own demons to deal with, it seems my husband has more than I, or - he is my biggest demon at times. He is affectionate, a hard worker, funny, but can not communicate on a serious level - we can not negotiate needs, desires, or plan the future. He is stand offish when I try to discuss our marriage issues or ask of a commitment from him to do something to better our marriage, but he has his way of trying to make things better. He was burned severly in his first marriage and I suffer the consequences - but I do my very best to remain strong and continue to be the best spouse I can - I try to be the example - though sometimes I lose momentum and patience and resort to treating him the same as he does me. I soon realize I've fallen to his level and pick myself back up. I have been to counselling alone, he refuses to go, and I read alot about relationships. We have been married 5 yrs and he has improved so much but he still is a challenge at times, and I notice when finances are a problem, our marriage is more rocky. But in your case - this woman is offering you nothing in the way of compromise or a loving spirit. I also understand that the insecurities you feel you have are a result of her behavior - you need to realize you are allowing yourself to be a Victim - is this what You want from this marriage or for yourself? I agree with the other person - it's not too late to annul - Run, Run far away and don't look back!! Get counselling before you move on to anyone else and regain your esteem..........

You have a mess on your hands.

Was your wife legally divorced for one year before you started dating?

If not, you cannot go back and fix such a hideous mistake. You can only go forward.

It sounds to me like you have no respect for your wife's autonomy and this is what is "irritating" her.

This can drive her into the arms of another man, if it already hasn't.

A marriage is not the symbiotic blob you seem to crave--it is built on autonomy, personal respect and individual growth. You are not your wife's decision making gate-keeper. Your wife is competent to make decisions free from coercion and undue influence.

You are looking for frilly, hearts and flowers sentiment, not love. True love is challenging, complex, real.

Creating a great marriage means giving up childish and unrealistic beliefs and committing yourself to healing old wounds and striving for personal growth. It's hard work, but it is necessary for becoming a fulfilled human being. And it's the only way you can experience true intimacy.

I have been with my H since the early 1970's. A healthy balance between togetherness and individuality allows us to be closely involved with one another without losing our sense of autonomy. Only by maintaining an optimal balance between these two forces, have we been able to handle the heavy stress associated with life in general.

DougE: Does your employer, or your W's employer, have an Employee Assistance Program? FYI in our case the EAP paid for 100% for many sesions of MC; zero cost to us.

Advising this man that he's going to chase her into the arms of another man is making him responsible for her actions, that seems to already be her problem - she can't stay out of the arms of other men and it seems she wants her cake and eat it too...and to string her husband along for convenience as long as he doesn't threaten her plan, it's not his problem - it's hers. Expecting respect and a loving spirit yet balancing autonomy is different than living with abuse and rejection. ??

She married him. They can only go forward. The admitted "affairs" were BEFORE marriage. Technically that means there is no A.

Because of his insecurity circumventing this prenuptual activity, he is smothering her with his fear.


over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and....................

What he is doing is obviously not working....

SO......."If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever." Doug Horton

"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him." Booker T. Washington

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." Frank Crane

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship." Emerson

First of all, I do agree that her actions and history of infidelity are what's driving you soo crazy, craving extra re-assurances of love, and making you soo needy. When all you want is the truth and the other person is not trying to be transparent to re-assure you, it's a downward spiral.

On the other hand, your actions are no doubt pushing her further away.

What she is doing in terms of secrecy and refusing to give you answers is wrong but your refusal to respect her "domain" is probably more wrong.

Like the others say, I would seriously look into an annullment. Maybe, as a last ditch effort you could set out a plan that you would feel comfortable with. Maybe draw it up with a councelor. Maybe something as drastic as "you have to quit your third shift" "I need accountability and transparency" "I need you to agree to agree to the following rules including absolutely no contact with the ex. I need you to go the extra mile to eliminate your disfunction." In turn, I will do the following "the room is yours; when you ask to have alone time, I will leave". I will not do this, I will not do that, I will do this, I will do that.

AND SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS!!!! Is she won't agree to the terms you set down or if she agrees but does not follow through, annull the marriage. It will be easy for you to make allowances and excuses for her. She will slowly move your lines of what is ok behavior in a married relationship if you aren't careful. Don't keep letting her walk all over you from fear of getting cheated on or dumped. The way you are going about it now is just a slow death and you are making both of you miserable. Be reasonable and be fair but be firm. But on a side note, work hard to remove your neediness as that will not yeild anything good. If you're going to make it through this, it will be a combination of laying down the law and yet her seeing that you are doing your best to make the law a fair one.

Hey DougE,

This is my philosophical argument for personal growth and emotional healthiness.

P1. We can not control how we feel, therefore we don't have to justify our feelings.

P2. We can only control our reaction or response to those feelings, therefore we are accountable for those reactions or responses.

P3. Our future experiences may change how we feel about certain things, therefore our feelings can and do change over time.

C1. Therefore, life is a process of learning about how we feel and how we react to those feelings. If we truly want to be happy in life, we will always try to be self-aware of these truths that will allow us to grow and remain emotionally healthy.

On to my thoughts on your relationship:
Your wife definitely is prone to affairs, but you need to read the information on this website to understand why affairs happen. I am not justifying her actions by any means, but your insecurities (which are not a "bad" thing, they are simply your emotional fears) could very well cause you to express negative behavior towards your wife, thus indirectly causing her to get her emotional needs met elsewhere through affairs.

From looking at things only from YOUR perspective, I can see that you have no children, have been married a short time, and are having huge CONFLICTS already. I would move on DougE, but I understand the pain that would cause you as well. You are forced to deal with a lesser of two evils. One, "I leave my wife who I still have a positive love bank account with" OR "I stay with my wife until she completely drains it", which will in turn cause you to completely drain yours within her and then it ends in divorce anyways. By then, have you contracted an STD, had children and wasted how much more time with a woman that may never change her ways.

If she is not willing to seek professional "Marriage" counseling based on the principles you can learn from this website, then I would suggest you gather the strength to move on and file for divorce.