Hey guys,
I've really enjoyed reading everyone's posts.....I just wish I was having some of those problems. It's been a really slow season of dating for me. I'm 2 years past my divorce, and in some ways I feel I want to date, and in other ways...still don't know if I'm ready. One of my kids is going off to college in the fall, leaving my 2 teenage girls at home w/me. I really miss the companionship and support of a relationship. In most of my dating relationships I've either gotten too close too fast, or held myself at such a distance no one could get through. Subconsciously, I think I must believe that because my kids have been through so much stuff that I owe it to them to be their everything. Dating and doing the mom thing is such a fine line to walk (for me). I have gotten off all of the online dating sites I was on because I'm so confused aboutwhat I think is best for my family. I know what I want and desire in a man, but when I think of getting close to someone, I worry about my teenagers, and how it would affect them. (Part of it also is that i even wonder if i deserve a great relationship).............
Part 2 coming up.

So supposing I could work out what I think I want, and could somehow grow enough to be ready.........where would I meet these wonderful men?
I have tried match.com.....met a couple of guys, one I talked with several times, and he started dating an old girlfriend again. The other was a 1 time date........not my type (I wasn't his either.)
Yahoo personals....same story....
Eharmony..........i think these guys are REALLY ready to get married, wonder if i should even try there....
another christian site.....met 2 guys...one not my type. The other I liked, but I'm not sure he returned the feeling, and I was too afraid to find out.
True.com..........met a guy who posted a picture that was dishonest about his age and looks and weight...
Also, I think it scares guys that I have 3 kids entering or about to enter college...........
Any ideas out there? I welcome all suggestions........
Thanks so much!!!!!
KK

Hi - kk - same as you - that would be me... I was talking to this one guy but honestly I think that he was married but like would only email me late at night or early in the morning.. never once called me on the phone - nothing... Plus as you can imagine I trust no one... My ex has recently broken up with the woman next door - which has made it easier for me to talk to him and for the girls to actually get along with him - but again he waited about 1 week and already has a new girlfriend - and here I am approaching almost three years divorced and have maybe gone out on one date....So I hear you - about wondering if I am ready - will I ever be ready... I am so busy - my two girls are pretty much my life - but I also know that I need a life myself... and I want one - I just think maybe I am afraid of getting hurt.... So how are you otherwise????

Hi Mimi,
Thanks for answering!
It is such a dilemma, this dating thing!!!!
Why do the XH's get to have the fun: date and get married and all that, while we are at home responsibly raising the children and making a living (i really know the answer to that)
Sorry about that guy not answering back. It happens to me a lot, and I don't know why. I don't know what I do that makes them go the opposite direction. Maybe I'm finding guys who aren't ready themselves.
I'm doing great otherwise. My job is going well, my kids are doing fine. My spiritual walk with God is improving. I just still feel like something's missing.
KK

"Why do the XH's get to have the fun: date and get married and all that"

Because they are not picky and go for the first person they see. They are not looking for the wonderful relationships that we all hope to have.
And, many people (men) can't be by themselves. They need someone to take care of them, so they jump immediately into new relationships.
JMHO

Newly,
That's so true!!!!!!!
I would like to find one of those rare men who is looking for great companionship....one who will do the MB thing with me and all the other things I missed in my last marriage.
KK

[quote
Because they are not picky and go for the first person they see. They are not looking for the wonderful relationships that we all hope to have.
And, many people (men) can't be by themselves. They need someone to take care of them, so they jump immediately into new relationships.
JMHO [/quote]

In my own very recent experience with Mr Wonderful, I keep wondering if this is his story. I don't feel he needs to be taken care, but rather wants to take care of, someone.

I know what you are talking about though, as far as lack of dates. If I had not met this man, I'm very sure, that I would have not been out in the time that I have been divorced.

I don't have answers for you, but I understand what you are saying.

But trust me though, you don't want the pain of letting slip by either. Something that could have been something, all because you weren't ready for it. Maybe you will be better off than me.

Karona

Those men are rare, and sometimes I believe that the really healthy men, can see our problems/issues clearer than we can and avoid us/me. I still feel like an open wound sometimes, and other times feel whole - particularly with my kids.

Yet another friend's X has announced an engagement, to an angry person just like him. I told my kids about it and they said if daddy got married, it would be to GF. So many men can't stand to be alone, or need to feel needed or wanted. I feel that from the kids, and now value my time to myself. So far, I have heard only good things about X's GF from the kids - a huge relief for me. (It still amazes me that he's found someone nice, but perhaps he has changed.).

KK, Newly, Maw:

Hey girls - don't think it's just you genders facing the same sitches! We men have the same dilemmas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Let me share with you girls what I've determined since xw became wayward.

1. That the burden of learning to trust again - rests squarely on our shoulders. We can turn the burden into a choice, it's entirely our decision. The fact that we've learned many different ways that people can deceive is in our favor and now we know those signs. Bitterness will consume all of us if we allow it to. Choose not to!

2. Our priorities are vastly different today, than when we last dated. With no kids, mortgages, etc. - life then was about a million percent less complex. Now, we know that no matter who we go out with or where, if that cell-phone rings and our child says: "I need you", we're outta there! Keep dating in perspective.

3. Concerning WS's and OP's: No matter who tells you otherwise, or what you may think, none of us would trade places with our wayward ex's. And besides that - all of us know that they will wake up one day not too long from now, and their life will define the word "alone" regardless of who thay may be with!

4. There are plenty of men in the same situation as you are. Good men (yes, who desire the complete trust and companionship that we thought was ours at one time) and who also follow MB practices. Those (us) guys are easy to spot. They're the ones running around with their shirts partially untucked and one black & one blue sock, to their kid's schools, sporting events, PTA's, scouts, Universal Studios, tutor's homes, piano lessons... and also squeezing in 50 hours of work, making dinner, keeping the clothes washed, getting all of us to church and so on. (All of you can probably relate.) So if you're looking for Brad Pitt or Mel Gibson in your searches; you're probably looking at the wrong "types". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

Karona,
I hope you are doing better. I remember that pain, and it will take you a little while to bounce back, but the next time you start dating, you will be much wiser, and see things a little clearer. I think it's all part of the growing process. Newly, my kids have spoken very highly of my X's wife, and she is good to them, and leaves me alone, and that makes me happy.
I remember someone on this site saying that the common denominator of finding someone special has been GIVING UP, which is what I'm thinking of doing....
All in God's good timing.
KK

[color:"blue"] Newly,

I think that the same way that we sense needy, clingy, unhappy people, the really healthy men can also sense in us the damaged parts.

I guess the best we can do is to work on ourselves to discover how to "be". I for one came from a really dysfunctional FOO and only now at 40 do I feel like I understand what "normal" looks like.

V. [/color]

Thank you KK!
It is going to take some time. Right now, I have ZERO interest in going out with anyone, even if Brad Pitt were to beg me, haha.

You are right though, I have heard it a gazillion times, when you give up, that is when it happens.

I guess our eyes need to be peeled for the half dressed guys running around. The ones we laugh at with the dress socks and sandals. It's really not that they don't know how to dress, it's that they hurried in from work, changed quick, to do an event with the kids! How great is that!!

Its good to know that the men feel the same way isn't it?!

We will all have our time. We deserve it after what we have lived through.

Take care, thanks again,
Karona

Ladies, are you wondering where Fishracer is like I am? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

YES and clones......that's why I said, I'm looking for the guys with the funny socks!!

HaHa
K.

newly: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm in Florida. And yes, my daughter often kids me about my socks.

Karona:


Exactly. It's "potential" that you look for. Most of us still "scrub-up" OK. And we do care about how we look. But our looks get shoved down that priority totem pole sometimes. Just pay attention to the important issues: Integrity, love for their kids, etc. Of course - deoderant and mouthwash are nice too.


Amen sister!

FR

I'm keeping my eyes on the socks!!! and hygiene is very, very important to me!

I used to live in Fl, Daytona to be exact! moved away 8 years ago.

Thanks for the laugh!

Karona

SunnyVA, I think most of us came from dysfunctional FOO's and that's why we made the choices we did. I no longer enable X, but his mother continues to enable him, and it's sickening to watch. (although I trust her more with my kids than their father).

Fishracer, where in Florida? Perhaps we should plan a caravan to florida.
Although I can't move there. I can't move anywhere for the next 13 years. X is on his tirade that I moved too far away, yet he's threatening 50% custody. Yeah right.

Hi newly:




I work in Orlando - live just north in a suburb. There are plenty of neat places down here to meet and put a face with a name. The lines are short at the theme parks right now, the weather is hot and hopefully we won't have too many hurricanes this season! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

Too funny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I do admit if I spent half the amount time I spend on Laundry and housework instead trying to "pick up chicks" I think I'd have plenty of dates! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Miker, with 3 kids at home, how do you have time to "pick up chicks"?
I can't get all my housework and real work done in a week to go out and have fun.