tim, they say that ILY is a bad idea. It highlights the difference between your feelings and those of the WS (or whatever she is!).

Have you seen ark's lighthouse post? It's famous! Well, sorta.

GC

Tim,

This is a cut and paste from a GREAT post on Plan A from pepperband:

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A.

Pep

And this Tim is the GREAT post on Plan A from ark^^:

FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....

Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...

it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....

and more you can diffuse their blame...

the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....

the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...

he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....

here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....

plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...

the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....

I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....

It went like this ...

"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..

plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...

WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...

so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...

plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...

it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..

it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....

and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...

BS that do a good plan a...say they feel like their WS didn't notice..or only was receptive now and then...and then their involvement and particpation increased...

WS that were handed a good plan a...say they watched and noticed EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING....even when the bS thought they didn't notice a thing....

WS are in great turmoil...and human nature is in conflict to take ALWAYS the path of the least resistance.....

the path of least resistance...is withdrawal and wallowing in self loathing and pity..

the path of least resistance is the OP..for they can not judge and force the WS to see their own actions...because they are as guilty as the other....

so plan A'rs.....need to stop ALL relationship talk..
all talk of love...

you do things that are subtle...
like put a CD in that the WS likes...and just enjoy if yourself...and if they enjoy it also...so be it..
even better yet when it is a blast from the past CD...one that speaks of a history...without blatant insistance that the wS remember this or that....

just history...

the person in plan A...needs to be upbeat and charming...they need to see that the BS is capable of fun and joy...because if all they ever see is a BS lost in the pain..then it will solidify their belief that the pain the WS has caused will never go away...and no one can stand to see the pain they have inflicted day after day...(unless psychotic or sadistic)

the person in plan a needs to engage family and friends in fun activites always always always inviting the wS to join in...
they need to see that things can and could be normal again....

plan a can be leaving a love note...but more impressive a joke...
buy an old farside book and make copies of the really really funny ones....
or the old calvin and hobbs.......
and leave those posted about...
WS seek false joy and laughter....
bring them back to real laughter.....

plan a'rs need to learn to babble back to the insanity that Ws say..and give the babble no leverage or "to die for importance"....

plan a'rs need a time limit of doing plan a with a concrete plan when to go to plan b..
the better the plan b..the better the reality of the consequances of plan b...

make plans to things the wS likes to do..
baseball games..
movies
etc..
and when they dont' want to go..
still go and do them..
be up up up up beat...

draw them to you and your home like a moth to a flame...

work on yourself
find an outside interest that gives you some relief ..

expect nothing nothing nothing from the Ws within a limited time period and free yourself in to the ability to give and do for your spouse better than you ever had....

WS are not used to getting thing with no strings attached....
it will confuse and baffle them...but when they try to use the old "your pressuring me excuse"..it will fall on their empty ears..cause they know that has not been the case..

take them a coffee expresso piled high with whip cream...at work or bring it home to them...and leave it for them..
don't badger them to thank you
don't badger them to tell you how much they liked it..
lay it at their feet and walk away whistling...
find the joy in the act of giving and doing and not in the receptiveness....

hard hard hard hard it is......
but set the time frame and go for it....
anyone can do anything for six weeks..
(except ATKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

and pray for Gods Grace to enter your heart and home...
pray for serenity...
make you house the home where you and the kids and WS would want to be....


become strong...
become confident
become engaging and charming...

realize that YOU the BS are not lovable or desirable..based on your spouses giving or taking of love...
that you stand alone in this world..
lovabe and desirable...inspite of your spouses...


that's why plan A is all about each and every encounter and glimpse in to you and your home life being as engaging and attractive.....


plan a is all about doing what you can to end an affair....
plan a is built on the presumption that they are in contact...
that's why your contact needs to be better and with more value and depth....

this does not mean that you don't set boundaries on what you will tolerate in your life..

you will not "babysit" the kids so she can go with the OP...

you don't condone any contact..
but you don't powerstruggle it either...


if you think your spouse is going to go out with op don't make it easy for them..don't watch the kids...make plans first...and leave him or her with the kids...etc

hope this helps some..
ark

Thanks for the information on Plan A! I understand it for the most part. Its the little things I do that I don't know if I should keep doing them or not. For instance, I usually send a text message in the morning saything "morning beautiful" or something to that effect. I also may send an email telling her that I was thinking about her and that I hope her day is going well and that I love her. Are these things that I need to stop doing?

Tim,

I think that you should still do the text messages and emails, but change them. Make them pleasant and upbeat, but not as personal. Try sending a joke or a cartoon. Maybe you could comment on a particular flower or bird that you just saw on your walk, a new song that you just heard, a new recipe discovered, or a humorous newspaper headline. A "hope your day is going well" is fine, but leave out the "I love you".

This is a really wonderful thing that you do! I think nearly all women are flattered by this kind of affection. Just don't bowl her over. Be creative. Have fun with this. What a great teaser!

You're doing well Timn. Plan A away and see where it takes you.

One thing struck me about your MC session. It stems from one of the few decent things my MC said at one of our sessions. My WH had tons of excuses about us drifting apart. Your WW has said that she's spent the last year dealing with her issues that culminated in her wanting out. So much of the wrongness is going through the process WITHOUT involving their spouse. They check out of the marriage without warning and without working anything out. It's such a unilateral and unfair approach. Sort of, "Our relationship is bad because we've been drifting apart but I'm the one actively paddling in the other direction." The counselor said that the WH needed to apologize for leaving the marriage without telling anybody else. Personally, I don't believe in forced apologies and I sure didn't get one but the thought stuck with me.

Does this make any sense to you?

Yes GrapeGirl, that makes since. In my mind its really a selfish act. I explained to the MC that I thought she was running away. She has a new apartment while I still live in our house. I have to live with reminders everyday, whereas she doesn't have to as much. I guess in her mind she did tell me that she was depressed about our marriage, but because of my listening skills I just didn't pay attention or she didn't tell me in the language that I could understand. This is something I'm working on of course and will take time to develope.

What really hurts is that she is so detached from me right now. I really do think some times she is just going to MC for me. With plan A I'm really going to try and improve myself, the house, etc. and see where that takes me. If she notices then it will help the situation, if not then the improvements made will help me anyway.

It helps to remember that she really isn't your wife now. Some people like the alien concept. That an alien has taken over the person they love. Fog is another way of putting it. The WS is detached and is a person we don't really know anymore.

She is selfish and she is running away. Perhaps she felt her unhappiness and depression should be apparent to all. We BS can see the clues but not always put them together.

It sounds like you feel like I do, that I got stuck with everything. I got the house with the lawn that needs to be mowed and the windows fixed. It's full of memories and all the stuff we have ever owned. Lots of clutter and junk from 3 kids and years of marriage. I pick up the dog poop. I cook the meals and do the carpools. I do damage control with our kids and his family. I limp around trying to manage the life we used to have.

On the other hand, he lives in the new, pristine apartment. I always imagine it as clean and shiny because he doesn't have kids and animals there. He has the new furniture and the newer car. He doesn't have to worry about where the kids are, homework, or planning "adult" sanity time.

On the other, other hand, he lives in a sterile box in a complex with no flowers or trees. His possessions have little association with real life. He goes to an empty, silent place. No fuzzy poochie is happy to see he's home. No meal is cooked for him.

I'll take my life, thank you.