I have been reading for awhile, but this is my first post. So I’ll apologize now as this could be long. I found out in February that my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker for 3 months without my knowledge. I think the emotional attachment was building for awhile, but the physical part of the affair started at a business conference in November. WH asked that we separate for awhile the day after our son’s first b-day party on 2/13/05. I was shocked and devastated as was both of our families and friends.
I had noticed a few changes in WH in December (more irritable, turning down sex). I confronted him at the beginning of January and he said nothing about the affair. He questioned if he was truly happy and complained only about sex (frequency, variety, location, etc.). We have always had a regular sex like in terms of frequency. We have been together for 12 years (married for 6), so I’ll admit that spontaneity in variety and location were lacking. I took him seriously, but the thought never crossed my mind that there may be someone else. And I took the initiative in our sex life to spice things up a little. He was receptive and things seemed to get better. We professed our love for each other and said we didn’t want to lose the other and that we would focus more on each other this year. Last year was busy with the birth of our first son and several weddings of family members and close friends which we were both involved. Up until the moment he said he was leaving, there were no more signs of problems and I had no idea what was coming. We were having sex regularly and were just as affectionate as we have always been.
The contact with the OP was mostly on the cell phone on the drive to/from work and at lunch each day all without my knowledge. He was never late coming home and we were always together in our spare time, so I never suspected anything like this. Then after he left, he became very angry towards me. Something I had never seen before. I immediately got us into counseling and the counselor asked to see WH alone for the second session as he saw WH’s anger. The next week, WH went alone and then admitted to the PA. He revealed this to me on 2/25/05. I never thought I could forgive a PA, but I guess when it actually happens to you, you react different than you may think. I told WH that we could work this out and even asked that he quit his job as we could live on my salary for awhile. Quitting his job was out of the question for him as he claims that is the only place he is happy and he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to work things out anyway.
He continued in counseling alone and after the next session he said he was in love with OP and he had to know if it is true love. This was on 2/28/05. Our contact with each other was drastically reduced after this. He was staying with his parents at the time, who were having a very difficult time with the situation and were not supportive of his actions. We began to alternate weekends with our son and he began to stay with OP on the weekends when he didn’t have our son. She is a single mom with a 6 year old son, so they planned it where they didn’t have the kids on the same weekend, so they could spend those together. I began reading on MB, but didn’t see much sign of hope.
With us being separated, I guess I went straight to Plan B and we had little contact with each other, with the exception of things concerning our son and that was minimal. I didn’t see much hope and even contacted an attorney and started drawing up divorce papers, but never filed. WH and I reviewed the papers together at the end of April and then he went to Europe for business trip. He returned Mother’s Day weekend and said he was having doubts that he was doing the right thing. Seeing a glimmer of hope I encouraged him to give us a chance. I began reaching out to him. I sent him emails daily. I made a CD of songs that we enjoyed over our 12 years together.
On 5/12/05, he broke things off with OP. The timing was a shock to me. I had hoped for it, but wasn’t expecting it so soon. We talked on 5/14/05 and he said he was committed to working on the marriage. He had contact with OP on 5/15/05, 5/19/05 and 5/26/05. All phone conversations to talk about his decision. He felt like he owed it to her. I don’t agree with that, but I didn’t say anything about it, I figured atleast he was telling me about the contact.
He moved back home on 5/26/05 and has been home ever since. Things seemed to go really well at times and other times he seemed very depressed. The physical part of our relationship started back up immediately on 5/17/05 before he was living back at home, but had come by to cut the grass. We began having sex very regularly, with some added variety and things seemed to be going well. Then about a week ago, he started to shut down. We had sex on Father’s Day, but then went for a week without as he was saying he couldn’t because he was thinking about OP. Over the past weekend, he said he isn’t sure he is doing the right thing and he will always wonder if he would have been happier if he just left.
He said he is sad when he is with me and he was guilty when he wa with her and he doesn’t want to leave our son, but he thinks if he leaves, the guilt will eventually wear off, but he will always be sad if he stays. He said I am a wonderful, kind and compassionate person and that I don’t deserve this. He loves me and our son, but he is in-love with her. His head tells him to stay, but his heart tells him to leave. He said he just wants his feelings towards her to go away and I told him that it will just take time.
Then yesterday, he broke down and had contact with her. They still work together, but not in the same department, so they only see each other by choice. Last night he came home and said he wasn’t sure if he could do this. Unable to take much more, I told him that he could go, but he says that it is the uncertainty and doubt as well as my strength that keeps him home. I told him he had to be strong and that he cannot have contact with her, but he said he misses her and loves her too much. He told me he was considering going to lunch with her today and I told him if he does, then he doesn’t need to come home to me tonight. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t think I can take much more of this roller coaster. His thoughts are so negative and he has a bit of an obsessive personality, so his normal tendency is to over think everything. He is terrified of making the wrong choice.
I have been avoiding LBs since he has been home and I have made constant attempts at deposits into the love bank, but I don’t know how much longer I can do it. We have even taken up mountain biking together, which we are both enjoying. He started doing it with OP while we were separated and convinced me to try it when we got back together. But I feel like my patience is about to run out. What to do?
