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Hi, found.
Since you are writing your wayward wife letters, maybe you should consider something like this.
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Dear wife.
You think I hold you trapped in some kind of cage. So, go and have what you want. Fly away. Maybe will will meet again in another life, but I doubt it.
The reason I am sure that I won't be seeing you again in this life is because the first time you break a wing and fall to earth, there will be no one there to pick you up. And for the first time in your life, you will be stuck trying to fend for yourself, life and death the consequence.
Somehow, I know that challenge sounds exciting to you. It is very sad that you don't fully understand the true implications of the choices that you want to make, and that you think that your plight on this planet is somehow different or special from any other person here.
Since I can't teach you the well worn, basic truth about life, I have no choice but to let you go and discover it all on your own.
I ask that you leave the children with me so that they don't have to witness the self-destruction of their mother.
You should also be aware, dear wife, that I will not be your friend outside of marriage. I will not support you, and I will not pick you up when you fall. You will be on your own.
If you would like to make a life with me and the children here, I am still willing, for now, to work at that, but my patience has grown very thin.
Your choice, just let me know what your decision is.
Found
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Exactly what choices has your wife made, found?
God bless,
Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Gimble - that letter may come - but for now I detect no A activity, and she has been seeming open to talk about things. Kinda like recovery without claiming "recovery".
When she and I get to talk - (which will likely be Monday - or late Sunday night - as we put in 13 or 14 hours today at work, between us) - I will give her that message. If she decides, in the future, that she wishes to both have and eat cake, we will part ways.
I must not approach her with condescension, as she is an individual that deserves respect for a large portion of her life. If I begin to communicate to her in a condescending tone, she will end communication, and communication will stop. So with respect for her, but not for her choices - is how I must speak with her. Sometimes that is tough. But I will figure it out. God makes opportunities. I see them. She sees them.
Thanks, Gimble.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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OK. We did not talk. I wrote a letter. I am much better at being concise when writing. Here it is. July 31, 2005
My dearest Wife -
I need to tell you about some of the things that have been developing in my mind. I have learned a lot about me, and I am developing boundaries and some better values. I am realizing some of the values for the first time in a long time. Values that had been pushed down and replaced with values that I do not like in myself.
On July 26, the events of the day had an effect on me, and I changed. First - as I was being served documents - your account in the bank of Chris hit a zero balance. I know this because I realized that I am no longer in love with you. I understand that the documents were not the ones I was expecting, but as I was going over the reality of being divorced, I went ahead and worked through the emotional issues.
Even though I am not in love with you, I still love you very much. I know that I can be in love with you again, and that is my hope. I am still able to be hurt by you, and I need to make clear my boundaries, to keep the love I still have for you intact.
If we are to live in the same house, either married or divorced - I ask that you not date other men or have affairs. This includes emotional affairs as well as physical. I ask that you not lie to me, or deceive me about your affairs. If you develop outside relationships they will eventually surface. You can expect the same behaviour from me.
My values are just becoming clear to me. I am sure they will continue to develop. These are just the first ones. My goal is to make better decisions in life based on well defined values. I hope to be a much better example of honesty, to you and the kids. God guides me each day to new truths, and new teaching.
I know that our kids would benefit from parents that are in love with each other. They deserve parents that are in love with each other. I am certain that can happen, and I will continue to do all that I can to save this marriage. You and I deserve that, too. I know it is possible.
***** - you will not find another man on this planet more dedicated than I to discovering and meeting your emotional needs. Ever. You could live confident every day from now on.
I am willing to be open and vulnerable with you. Radically honest. I will commit to share everything with you. I would love to hear and share all of your thoughts, dreams, fears, and pain. All of it. Imagine how intimate all of that could be. It is scary, and exhilarating.
I will listen to - actually hear - your concerns about me, and we will negotiate what to do.
We have a lot to discuss.
I still love you like a crazy man. I pray that you see that this marriage is worth fighting for, too. Not just for you and I.
With love,
far She took it, read it (unemotionally), and said she would have to think about it. DD4 is still up, so she did not have a chance to scrutinize it. It was not condescending. It did not cast stones. It did express my boundaries. She has been seeming more cordial the last few days. Maybe the fog is lifting. Plus - we really do have issues that include me, too. There is a long way to go. But I am ready for the journey. Thanks to all of you who continue to guide me. Thanks.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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There are triggers all over the house. OM1 got the kids stuffed animals. Big ones. Each time I feel pain associated with one of those, WW loses credits in the bank of far. She has gifts from who knows who else. I do not even know who.
She hit a zero balance on July 26. I perceive she is going negative right now. I really do not care. I would love for my kids to have a complete nuclear (Texans - nuculer) family all in the same house, but I am losing interest in trying to make the M work.
Made dinner. Chilled some wine. WW gets off at 4. 5:31 and no call of "gonna be late" or "f-off" or anything.
Moving on.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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FAR, why can't you throw those "objects" away?
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Hmmmmm.
Good question. Not even sure which is which with the stuffed animals. Would not mind getting rid of all of them.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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So much for the letter. I think writing WS's and telling them your boundaries, or feelings is just a BIG waste of time. She are spilling your guts to her, and she is trying to figure out how to continue the affair.
I did that for 2 years, and all it got me was no feeling at all for WH.
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I did give her my true thoughts, but I also gave an ultimatum.
Not a plan b letter, but an indication that the winds of change are coming.
I have been at it for a year and a half, and am almost there myself. I am ready to piss or get off the pot.
God has taken me to chapters in Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud, Rick Warren's book, and believe it or not Dr. Phil's Life Strategies. Dr. Phil's book is actually the most motivating of them all right now. I have a lot to do. Get out of debt - be a better father - teach the kids some boundaries - be more honest - continue recovery from an addiction - and if WW wants to join in - be a better husband. The last one is optional. I am moving forward. She can come along if she wants to.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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FAR - That is healthy thinking, and what helped me most. I wallowed in misery a lot longer than you. It is much better to get a good life going. Very difficult, but so rewarding.
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The thinking is becoming more healty each day. Of course - I am letting go of the marriage.
I do not even really want to play spy any more. I do not like the pain.
I have things to do. Things to invent. A motorcycle to buy, after the debt is gone. Trips to foreign lands....
I would love my soul-mate to join me.
Oh well.
Thanks for your encouragement, believer.
The wind is blowing cool inland tonite - very nice.
far
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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FAR -
Yep, finally cool. It feels so good.
It is a win-win situation to move on and have a good life. Awhile ago, I couldn't imagine life without my WH. But now I am enjoying my days. I never thought I would feel that way.
So keep on keeping on. I think that she may join you, but I think it is almost time for the FAR train to leave the station. All aboard, or it is her loss.
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I was between an A and B Plan, but it's going more to the "B." Husband drinks WAY too much, and then becomes "Casanova" in his mind. However, there are always willing women for him to flirt with because he looks halfway decent and makes a decent living....so there you go. First he needs to tackle the alcohol issue, and then we'll go on to the regular stuff (won't that be fun!) <<<<sarcasm
So I did write a Plan B letter saying that he was out until he attempted to address his alcohol issue. No word in 2 days...have no idea where the man is, but he did go to work. Honestly, life isn't much different for me, since he was passed out by 7 every night anyway. I am getting things cleaned out and not having to deal with any alcoholic dramas. The only bad thing is that I love him...wish I didn't....it sure would be easier. I catch myself wondering if he's with the newest wonder woman....thrice married and filed for bankruptcy last month. Sounds like a winner to me!
SAR2
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SAR - i have determined that alcoholism is a good thing to get away from. Not from experience, but just reading here on the boards. When the addiction is under control, and in the past, is when it seems to work out. Do not give up hope. It is difficult to move on when there is still love. Even more so when there are kids, and no isms or ictions that wreak havoc with the family.
Well - i guess there is.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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Good thing I kicked him out yesterday....well, he went and took nothing! I mean NOTHING! I have no idea what he wore to work today....yes, I do care. He's on SO many meds right now for high BP...dare I tell him for the 1,000th time that if he lost 10 pounds and stopped drinking he probably wouldn't NEED the meds to begin with? He's just self-medicating, and the meds exaggerate the alcohol...one drink is like 4. However, the excuses are OveR. "Honey, I did that because I was drunk" won't work with me anymore. (He's also turned into a "liquor sneak.") Son wants to visit with him, and my only advice was to make it at lunch when you know he's sober...otherwise, you're wasting your time. Thanks for the input, foundareason. I know I'm doing the right thing...just doesn't make it any easier.
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Just like with affairs. They gotta hit rock bottom and slide around there some to realize what they have lost.
Unfortunately they sometimes do not seem to realize either where they are or what they have lost. That is what hurts us.
Oh well. Somewhere I read that the process of plan A and B is partly to drain the bank, so that if the relationship does go south they aint nut'n left anyway. It is supposed to help the healing go by quicker, and make cuttin' the line easier.
I'll be damned if she did not suck it dry. And she does not seem to care.
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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Posts: 36
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I don't think my guy has reached bottom. He does still seem to care...cries his eyes out and begs for forgiveness. I just had to put him out and see what happened...I honestly don't know what's going on, and that's ok. He has stopped drinking a couple of times, and then something happens a few months down the road and he thinks he can drink in moderation...and DOES...for about a WEEK! (Won't work with me.) I feel for him because then he gets into messes by flirting, etc. I am feeling strong now, but I have moments of total dispair. That' why I had him leave...he won't know when they are!
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Sounds like a good idea.
A lot of folks here are very exerienced with this stuff. Maybe you could get some encouragement from them. Do you want me to start you a thread?
far
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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Not yet...I'm just dealing with today. I will soon have the need...right now I'm going on willpower, and it feels good. All I'm asking for in the letter to my husband is to start going to AA meetings. It's a BIG STEP! We'll see what he agrees to, and then tackle behaviors done when he drinks.
Thanks for your help!
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Sure thing. Thanks for stopping by.
Good luck with your stuff. I will say a prayer for you.
far
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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Posts: 777
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It is 5am here. I have been basically awake since 1am. I want to go awaken WW and push for answers. What is your answer? Will you commit to no contact? I want to tell her the pain I have. I want intimacy. I am so lonely. Last night I offered my shoulder to lay on, as we sat on the sofa watching a movie with the kids. She said "I would..., but I can't". It is something scripted, methinks, but I am not sure what she means. I want to ask about that.
She put spyware blocker on her computer, and I do not know who she is contacting right now. She still makes comments indicating that she thinks I can hack her software and see. But most of the time, now, I do not even want to.
At this moment, I want to KNOW what will happen and move forward.
Oh well. I guess I will move forward anyway.
I am not showing her my weakness.
Sorry. Just can't sleep, and "the idle mind is the devil's playground".
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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