HI
I apologize for this being long but i have to explain the whole story so mayby i can get some feedback on whats been going on.
I have been Married to my WH for 14 years, we have been together for 17, we have 3 children ages 12, 10 and 2 1/2. He got into a PA last august, left home in september to be with OW. He came home in December for a non recovery. I thought there were no contact but found out otherwise. He left again in January to live with OW. She was very manipulative and experienced with this affair stuff, but it does take two. and our marriage was in a big slump before all this happened, I wish we could have done something to straighten out our problems before all this had to happen. But anyways. The relationship between OW and WH is over now. There has been no contact between them for about 3 weeks now. WH still lives away from home. He caught OW with another man, and now i actually believe he thought he loved her. He was very upset and crying over the fact that he had given up everything for her and she betrayed him.. I know as stupid as it sounds and i now realize i have the words stupid not only on my forehead, but all over my body, I was really angry at her for leading him on... i know duhhhh!
I love him very much, I don't trust him though, but i do love him. Now for my questions.
1. How do i act around him now? Do i act like nothing happened, not bring up the past?
2. Do push him for a commitment or is it too soon?
3. He has been coming down to my house and staying at night, and actually acting alot like my old husband before all this crap. Is this a good sign that he may want to work things out.
4. He has started sleeping in the same bed as me, but no sex, whenever we start getting close on emotional level, he says u know i cant come back, or he'll say just because im here now dos'nt mean im coming back. He has started spending alot of time with the kids, which is great, he has ignored them all year.
* IS it normal for him to push away from me at this time whenever things get emotional? He has admitted everything to me, but he has always been the kind of person that is very unemotional, not saying what they really feel.
5. He calls all the time, " to check on the kids" which i know otherwise.
6. If God allows us to be a family again, How do i handle all the people who think im making the biggest mistake of my life. What do i say to them?
7. I want things to work out, but i don't know where to start, I don't know what to say. I try to build the love bank up and it does seem to be working. I do not mention OW's name at all,
8. After all this time I felt like i was being used, For the first time in a year i feel like he is being sincere about things.
9. He was really angry at me for the breakup between him and OW, even though i had nothing to do with it. Is that a normal expression?
10. Am i the dumbest person on here for wanting to trust and believe that there is a chance?
11. ABout how much time does it take if a WH is going to recommit to a marriage after breakup with OW?
I really appreciate all you guys..... thanks

I can relate to some of the things you say and ask but do not know if I have any answers. My H is also very unemotional and has had 2 A's (that I know of) in the past 2or3 years. We separated twice, once in 2001 and again in 2002. (not because of OW. That was one thing I thought I would never have to worry about). He returned home in fall of 2002 but we both were not ready for him to be there (my company had closed and we were afraid of losing house so he moved back in). we slept in same bed for about 6-8 months. Then all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me. starts sleeping on the couch. wants no touch, no physical, no emotional bonding to me.

fast forward to now, 2005. He has slept on the couch all this time. we have not had sex in all that time. he has closed himself off to any feelings, walks around numb. has had one PA, maybe 2. Do not think there was any emotional bonding type thing going on, think H just hadn't had sex in so long he went and got himself some. did not want that from me because that would involve feelings and emotion. at least he is not comfortable just "using me" if you know what I mean. PA made him feel even worse about himself and his life and now he is really really at a very low point. He refuses counseling. I refuse to let him bring me down anymore.

I do love him as you love your H. I am going to read Dr. Harly's books and am implementing things I learn on this site. I have learned a lot and realize my M has been one big LB from both of us. Now I know how to be in a relationship, I did not before.

Is it too late? I do not know. I know H has noticed my changes, how can he not. I am planning to talk to him some more about what I am learning and see where it goes from there. As everyone here says, you cannot change him, only yourself. He will notice these changes and either want to jump on the wagon with you or maybe not. But at least you will be being the best you can be.

I did not have to break up any A's as others have. One that I think was just a EA, when I found out it ended immediately. The PA was all done and over with for like 6 months before I found out. So when I discussed it with my H he was not angry, I think he felt real bad.

I cannot speak for your H but mine is going day by day through a gamit of emotions. Sometimes he is all positive and talkative, others he is quiet and distant. Others down right into "I don't care mode". I think he is doing a lot of thinking and every emotion possible is effecting him.

One thing I do need to talk with him about is the fact that our DD who is 8 wants to have friends over to spend the night and I am not comfortable with that with him sleeping on the couch ya know? I do not need her friends asking a lot of questions and putting my DD in that position. So we need to chat soon, like tonight, about that.

Read all you can here and work on yourself. Take one day at a time. Your H, like mine, isn't sure what he wants and he is going through a lot of emotions. I would give him some time to work through them all. hugs, mlhb

Orchid: Who do you love? Your H or the current WS character?

Act with plan A if you can. If you are done with plan A, then think about plan B. Read on further to see why.


Orchid: No can't push him He is quite A fragile. He can't make a commitment. Most WS feel more loyalty to the OP than to their own family. Sad but true.


Orchid: This is not good. This allows him to continue t/b a WS. You are enabling his bad behavior.


Orchid: He is babbling and as long as you allow it, he will keep you at bay. This is why you may need to consider plan B.


Orchid: No it is not normal for a spouse to do this but quite normal for a WS to do so. Guess which one he is right now? My Xws was the same. He was non emotional but he needed t/b emotional. Holding himself back was his way of keeping the A live in his head. Remember you are dealing with a WS not your H. The one you want back is your H not the WS.


Orchid: Again, he is using you to enable him and force you to meet needs you would otherwise meet willingly. In this case, you get no real benefit from meeting his needs in such an incomplete manner. It is up to you to decide whether you want to only get this type of partial benefit.


Orchid: You handle yourself the best you can. You can't control others. U say what you feel you need or can say. The rest you gotta just let go. There isn't always justice in our lives but each of us can choose t/b just/fair.


Orchid: Work on yourself 1st. Let him see the changes but make the changes only for you.


Orchid: You are being used. Now you will get angry when you realize how much you have been used. He m/b giving you signals of sincerity but this pattern must last for a long time.


Orchid: In a foggy reverse babble sort of way, yes. To normal people, no. In fact to others can see through the fog but the 'empereor' thinks he looks cute in his new (invisible) outfit.


Orchid: You are not dumb. You have been betrayed and are quite angry about it.



Orchid: minimum c/b twice as long as the A.

On top of everything, your H is in withdrawal from the OW as well. Maybe you will find this thread on withdrawal helpful, but since your H is not committed to you and the M yet, I don’t know how much this thread will be applicable on your situation. In ‘normal’ recovery after infidelity, withdrawal follows after the WS has made the decision to commit to the M; have made the willful choice to have NC and recover with the BS and are willing to take full blame & responsibility for the past betrayal.

People who really do follow the scriptures will realize that God doesn't like divorce and support you when you need it. IMHO, you are taking the longer, harder road by forgiving so I applaud you for your strength. I am not so sure myself or my DH could be so strong if there had been a PA involved on either side. Best of luck, you are in my prayers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No. Act "real"...tell him how you feel.


At some point, he and you have to decide what the plan is. You can't continue this way, your kids can't continue this way, and neither can he. I don't think it is too early to start talking about MC.

I think so, but only as a temporary solution. He has to be moving either toward a reconcilation or moving out permanently. You can't let him live "in between". And, he needs to know that.
I don't know...what was happening before the A? You said there were problems...what was going on? Does he have a reason not to open up to you?
You say, "Kiss my rosy, red a**."

You don't get this:

If you reconcile with him, either you or he will be the last person on this earth the other sees. Since women generally live longer than men, you likely will be holding his hand when he dies. With that kind of commitment on the line, who cares what Suzy Snooty thinks?


Unless you haven't noticed, there is the great big pink elephant in the room. Perhaps you ought to try giving it a name and talking about how to get the damn thing out of the living room.

I don't think so. It indicates that he still has work to do "on himself". He is still trying to blame other people for his problems instead of recognizing that he is too blame.


No for wanting to trust and believe there is a chance--

BUT: if you think you can sweep this under the rug, pretend it never happened, and go back to the way the world was before the A, then you might qualify for "dumbest person" here.


It depends on how long it takes WS to come out of the fog.
My A lasted 2 years. I knew I wanted the M within 24 hours after the A ended.