Can a marriage survive an affair? Ironically, some relationships not only survive but flourish after an affair. Why? All the pretense and denial that may have aided in the development of the affair have been stripped away. Both partners are now capable of viewing each other more honestly than they did prior to the affair.
This is not an endorsement for the foolish notion that "affairs are good for a marriage," but it is a reflection of God's redemptive plan to use things originally intended for evil to accomplish His good purposes in the hearts of His people (Gen. 50:20).
It is highly unlikely, however, that lasting change will take root and grow without the partners looking at their own individual contribution to the troubled relationship. This by no means implies that the faithful spouse is responsible for his or her mate's choice to have an affair. Nor does it allow the betrayer to justify the affair on the grounds of his or her mate's deficiencies. No one is ever responsible for the choices of another. But both partners must be willing to look at their individual and mutual histories, styles of relating, and contributions to the problems in their relationship.
While care must be taken not to minimize or excuse the unfaithful partner's betrayal, it is likely that some tensions existed in the marriage before the affair. Dan Allender, in his book The Healing Path, notes, "No failure of a wife or husband ever causes or excuses an affair; nonetheless, the downward spiral that leads to an affair usually involves mutual failure."4 The issue of mutual failure must be carefully defined and explored if there is to be mutual confession and forgiveness that produces a renewed oneness.
Building a good marriage is always an uphill battle—even when there hasn't been an affair. It requires hard work, sacrifice, humility, confession, forgiveness, understanding, and love. Couples who make the courageous choice to rebuild their relationship after an affair find that the core issues don't change. But the intensity level that has been raised by the betrayal and distrust must now be addressed and overcome. Betrayal crushes the trust between a husband and wife. Without trust, a relationship can't grow. Thus, the major work in healing a broken marriage is rebuilding trust and restoring friendship.
Rebuilding Trust Through Telling The Truth. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Deception is essential to the duplicity that makes an affair possible. The betrayed husband who has been fed a steady diet of deceit hungers for the truth from his wife. He will often say, "I don't care how bad it is, just tell me the truth! I can take the truth. I just can't deal with the lies anymore."
While the power of an affair may be in its secrecy, the weakness of a marriage may be in its avoidance of issues.5 Truth-telling means no more pretending from either spouse. The assumption is that while the unfaithful spouse's duplicity is more easily seen, both individuals have deceptive hearts (Jer. 17:9) that have played off each other in a bizarre dance of deception. One lied; the other looked the other way. One got angry and indignant; the other backed off. One withdrew; the other didn't pursue. One ignored; the other avoided. "Speaking the truth in love" to each other (Eph. 4:15) means admitting the dance and the part each took in it.
The purpose of truth-telling is to put the issues out on the table where they can be dealt with. It means coming clean—not just exposing each other, but admitting one's own current feelings and attitudes. It involves asking and honestly answering questions in three categories:
The Affair. What happened? With whom? When did it begin? How long did it last? Is it over? This is a major test for the unfaithful spouse. He or she must be totally honest and tell the wounded spouse anything he or she wants to know about the extent and duration of the affair, but not all the sordid details. Sometimes the offended spouse believes that knowledge of the details will provide the control needed to prevent an affair from recurring. It won't. Knowing the details may only inflame the wound, filling the mind with images that will make it even more difficult to overcome. This is where a seasoned counselor can help a couple get past new revelations about the affair and not get bogged down in details that serve no good purpose.
The Damage. The wounded spouse must honestly share how much pain the affair has caused. The unfaithful spouse should not be defensive or try to explain but truly listen to, absorb, and understand the other's suffering.
The Relationship. Both spouses need to talk honestly about the way they relate to each other, how they struggle personally, and how that has affected their relationship in all areas. They need the help of wise counsel to make the connection between their past and current struggles. This involves seeing how their unique struggles reflect a failure to trust God, which weakens their relationship, hurts those they care about the most, and makes them vulnerable to a host of self-destructive choices—one of which is the affair.
Truth-telling opens the door to confession that is cleansing and grief that is healing.
Rebuilding Trust Through Confession. Confession must be specific. It isn't enough to say "I'm sorry I had an affair. Will you forgive me?" The specific behaviors, attitudes, and responses that inflicted so much pain and suffering must be individually named, owned, and tied to the damage spoken of earlier. When a spouse confesses to God (Ps. 51) and to his or her mate the guilt over the individual wounds that have been inflicted, it paves the way for a deepening sorrow that leads to repentance and change (2 Cor. 7:10). Confession is necessary for the healing of body, soul, and relationships (Jas. 5:16). It also brings hope because God assures that "he who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy" (Prov. 28:13).
Confession must be mutual. Seldom is either spouse blameless. While not guilty of the affair, the offended spouse has had failures of love that need to be named and confessed to the unfaithful spouse and to God.
Should other affairs be confessed? There are always risks with this. Each situation must be evaluated individually. But given the human propensity toward deception, it would be a good idea to come clean all at once rather than risk future exposure that would undermine any progress made in rebuilding trust. Again, caution is needed so as to guard against unnecessary exposure of the sordid details.
Who needs to be told? Not everyone needs to know. Certainly those directly affected by the affair—one's family. One's pastor, small group, and some trusted friends need to know so they can help in the rebuilding process. If a parent needs to leave the home for a while, the children should be told in general terms, but not in the specifics. While teenagers may already have figured it out, don't assume that they know. If there is evidence that they know, parents should tell them together and prepare them for the changes that may be ahead, but avoid revealing unnecessary details.
Rebuilding Trust Through Repentance. The best description of repentance comes from the lips of the king of Israel whose adulterous affair rocked the nation: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise" (Ps. 51:17). What are signs of a repentant heart? A humble attitude that is neither demanding nor defensive when questioned. An openness that replaces deceit. The willingness to be accountable for time, money, and whereabouts. Not blaming or making excuses for failures. Quietly accepting consequences.
A betrayer's humble repentance in word and deed will pave the way for the betrayed to again risk opening his or her heart and offering the sweet fruit of forgiveness that can lead to restoration and renewed joy.
Rebuilding Relationship Through Forgiveness. The sin is always before those who have had an affair (Ps. 51:3), but it is ever before their spouse as well. It created a debt that remains outstanding, and it demands a response.
The natural response would be revenge—to make the betrayer suffer. But God calls us to a radical standard of loving that advocates mercy, not revenge (Rom. 12:17-21). He calls us to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). This doesn't seem fair, especially when the wound has cut so deep. It seems as if it's minimizing our pain and letting the offender off the hook. But that's not what forgiveness is.
Jesus taught that forgiveness is the loving, voluntary cancellation of a debt (Lk. 7:36-48). It doesn't mean that the pain or the anger will miraculously vanish or that the consequences of sinful choices will evaporate. Once the betrayed sees signs of repentance (Lk. 17:3-4), forgiveness opens the heart to reconciliation that is based on mutual respect, mercy, gratefulness, and love. (See RBC booklet, When Forgiveness Seems Impossible CB941.)
Rebuilding Relationship Through Reinitiating Physical Intimacy. After an affair is revealed, both spouses should get tested for AIDS and STDs. This is a humbling but necessary experience. In most cases, a minimum of 6 months abstinence from any sexual relations is necessary to protect the health of the faithful spouse. If the AIDS test is positive, the couple will have to grieve and accept the loss of certain forms of sexual intimacy so as not to endanger the non-infected partner.
The rule for reinitiating sexual intimacy after an affair is to go slow. Returning to the home after a time of separation doesn't automatically mean returning to the bedroom and sexual intimacy. A spouse whose mate has had an affair may want to try to satisfy all the mate's sexual needs for fear he or she may go looking elsewhere. The unfaithful partner will need to reassure the wounded spouse that he or she will not go looking and will be patient.
Trying to prevent a relapse by using sexual intimacy is foolish and is not a celebration of love the way God intended sex to be enjoyed. The couple will also need to have some extensive conversations about the fear, meaning, use, and expression of sexual intimacy in their relationship prior to reengaging in sexual relations.
If an unguarded heart is what sets us up for an affair, the best defense against an affair is to guard our heart. This will free us to live wholeheartedly in a romance of epic proportions. Paul expressed this wholehearted living when he wrote:
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain (Phil. 1:20-21).
To live wholeheartedly means to live redemptively. It is to enter each day courageously with eager anticipation for what God will do in and through us because of our confidence in being caught up in the most passionate love story of all time—the story of redemption.
But wholehearted living puts us in touch with our hurt in this world and our hunger for heaven. Paul described the inescapable tension of wholehearted living as inwardly groaning in a painful world we cannot escape while eagerly anticipating our eternal home which we cannot create (Rom. 8:23).
Oswald Chambers recognized that the only way to silence our demand for heaven now is to wholeheartedly embrace life with the full knowledge that "there is only one Being who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ." The psalmist stated it this way: "Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You" (Ps. 73:25).
When our hearts are enraptured by the love of our God who would sacrifice all for us, then His request of us to love others the way He has loved us becomes a delight and not merely a duty. His perfect love casts out our fear of loving (1 Jn. 4:11,18) and opens our hearts to redemptive living, which can triumph over the most heart-deadening of betrayals—an affair.
Few things have more power to entice others to wholehearted living than the stories of God's redemptive work in the lives of His people. Our stories of tragedy and triumph, suffering and celebration are small parts of God's larger story. So sharing our stories is crucial to building a community of faith that remembers how God worked in the past, of hope that dreams of what He will yet do in the future, and of love that moves with confidence and courage to redeem the present in the face of evil (Eph. 5:16).

Tkank you both so much for the support, all the guys i work with just say "dump her!" I dont want to though i want to work it out. I have been married two years. She said the other guy told her he couldn't talk to her anymore, i am inclined to believe her about that because she is also sad that she lost him as a friend. I am very confused and she is too, but i just want her to recommit to me. Am i crazy for that?