STBX calls and asks me to meet him for lunch. He is pulling up outside my place of work. Says he needs to talk to me.
I of course start having an anxiety attack. I am afraid that someone is hurt and he is there to give me bad news.
Anyhow...guess he saw the OW this past weekend and according to him she was acting "weird", he called her this am to ask her why. She finally told him that she didn't want to have a relationship with him and that they needed to stop. Or more that HE NEEDED TO STOP PURSUEING HER.
Anyhow he wanted to know if I had done anything to get in his way of happiness. Like did I call her or email her. He said he needed to know if it was me or she was rejecting him. Started getting all teary eyed when he said that. I reassurred him that I had nothing to do with it. That maybe her relationship with her significant other was more important to her. That maybe she just wasn't into him and that after being nice all these times she finally came out and told him to bug off.

What should I do with this info? I am not sure I want to stop the D now...I am just starting to get some wind in my sails. Does he deserve another chance if he wants one?

Oh, this is a very good sign. If OW has dumped him, now is the time to be kind and supporting to him. It may blast him out of the fog. There have been several here who had the same thing happen, and now they are happily recovered.

At this point, the choice is up to you whether or not you want to stop the divorce. No one will force you to make any decision here...it's all up to you.

If you feel that you still can't trust him, or whatever, then don't stop the proceedings yet. If you choose to give him a chance, then take whatever steps you feel are needed to put the D on hold or whatever so that there aren't any final choices made before YOU know what you want...but always remember, the final choice to try or not is yours.

Hi Homer... I've been watching (reading your posts), sorta like a fly on the wall.... one of those compassionate flies that have no good advice, but still care...

IMVHO... NO, he doesn't deserve another chance if HE wants one...
IMVHO... what HE wants ranks somewhere below what the dog wants!
What's important is what YOU want... and if YOU want him to have another chance, then... he's a very lucky man!

I'd "be nice" but continue on, slowly and methodically, with the D. I'd be indifferent to him. IOW, if scaring him is what might be waking him up a little... I'd make sure he's had the [censored] scared out of him! He's still acting like a spoiled rotten little 12-year old. And today, somebody took his candy away.

Yes, I'm in a lousy mood, but I also remember FULL WELL how he's treated you for a LONG TIME now!!

Why would you give him another chance? His only interest in you was to find out if you were infering with his babe. He has no interest in or respect for his marriage and isn't even ashamed of his affair. Do you want years more of this?

[color:"red"]I will be NO MAN'S second choice leftover wife .... and neither should YOU ![/color]

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh my. Some strong feelings here.

However there are many folks here who were "second choice leftover spouses" who have marriages that are now better than they ever were.

As the Harley's say, now you are the most dangerous thing to your marriage. You could turn your back on him, and file for divorce. He deserves it, and you have that right.

You could stick around and watch what happens next. He doesn't deserve that. In fact he doesn't deserve the slightest chance to have you again. But you may find that if NC continues, and he emerges from his addiction, that you have a remorseful husband that is willing to do anything to save his marriage.

Hey Believer ... thanks for bringing in a balanced difference of opinion ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That's what makes this place so interesting ... diversity of thought.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep -

I think we all would say we don't want to be second choice, but if something breaks up the affair, and the spouse completely changes, and is remorseful, there is a lot of hope.

Spiderslayers husband never made a move to save his marriage until OW dumped him. There are several men here who had the same thing happen. And a BS whose WH's OW died. Where did he show up? At his divorced wife's doorstep.

And they all seem to be very happy now.

Believer ... I am sticking to what I said as it pertains to me. However, I will agree with you that my stance on this is not everyone's stance. But it is mine, for me.

It was wrong of me to say "and neither should you" ... because that is an option ... for other people.

Taking a wayward husband back who really wants to be with another woman ... I could not and would not ever do that. I might murder him in his sleep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Believer, you know me, I am all for second chances. But this WS doesn't want a second chance, he simply wants to know if she is interfering in his affair. Thats all he cares about. And he is so flagrantly disrespectful and shameless that he isn't even ashamed of it. She needs to protect herself from him, IMO.

I would pop a cap on his [censored].

I look at some affairs as more of an addiction. It depends on how long the marriage was, how good the marriage was, and how long the WS and OP have known each other.

In SS's case, they had a fairly happy 15 year marriage. He had only had an affair for 3 or 4 months, and was willing to throw away SS, his home, and his kids.

Now a normal person can see that this is probably not a case of "true love". Once the OW dumped him, he woke up out of his trance and was really willing to work on things.

Now he is deeply ashamed of some of the things he said and did, and says he is going to spend the rest of his life making it up to her.

Believer, we were married 14 years when the A was going on (now 24 years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

H's A was 18 months long....

... when D day occured, H was desperate to reconcile ...

if he had wavered his desire to save the marriage ... even a little ... I would not have waited for him to file ... I would have done it immediately.

Wanna know why?

He was an alcoholic. I had done the marriage's heavy lifting for years. My love bank was dry.

and ... to be perfectly honest ... I value my life too much to be someone else's ball and chain. If he does not want to remain married to me ... there is the door.

I am particular, and getting more so with aging <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Just want to make sure... SS = Spyder Slayer, right?

I see SS's H and Homer's H as two completely different people -- meaning their character.

And Homer, it pains me to say that, because I know you're hurting so badly. But you've helped me... a LOT. And part of that was you recognizing the common character traits in your H and my STBXW.

Pep - In a way I agree with you. Looking back, I wish that I had divorced WH when he kept lying about contact. Now it is almost 3 years later, and I lost a lot. However I do have the satisfaction of being at peace with my decision, now that I am divorcing him. I know that I will have no regrets - he no longer has a hold on me.

tpt - What I'm saying is that now JustcallmeHomer has all of the power. If she decides she wants him, she can get him back. If she decides to divorce him, she can do that too.

Yes SS is spiderslayer. I don't want to get into a debate about character, but while her WH was foggy, his character left a lot to be desired. He had an affair with SS's best friend. SS was confiding in her, and her best friend used that information to continue luring her husband - and her husband knew this. Also her husband said at one point that he never wanted to see his boys again, could care less about them.

So it would be hard for me to defend his character - AT THAT FOGGY TIME.

Believer... I tell you the truth ... BOTH of us are MUCH happier now ... more than ever before in our 24 years together.... so i do not regret my decision to reconcile ... but the truth also is ... I had to be convinced by my H that HE was worth a second chance ... I damn well knew I was

and so are YOU friend ... you are worth being particular....

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

News flash!

In a late breaking story, Homer's husband's mistress broke up with him today. Homer's husband, in a dumfounded stupor ran to his betrayed wife for comfort, and to blame her for the demise of his illicit relationship. Later that day, Homer's husband, while attempting to drink himself into some sort of logical awareness of his illogical conclusions, accidently confused a small vial of nitroglycerin for his tequila, and drank it.

As fate would have it, the remains of his trousers were found blocks away from the scene of the explosion. An old WWII veteran that witnessed the explosion said: "Well, it was like the loudest buzz bomb I ever heard. I guess he farted and the nitro went off, but not all at once. It was kinda like the explosion stuttered. Man he took off like a saturn rocket. I mean right through the roof. I thought it was some kind a forth of July gimmick."

Mr. Homer has not been found yet. We have been in contact with a local physicist who told us that he didn't believe that the reaction to the explosions would have released enough force to propel Mr. Homer into orbit, and thought that his chances of survival were at least minimal. The physicist name is being withheld at his request. Officially, the dynamics of a farted nitroglycerin explosion have not been modeled.

In a related story, Homer's husband's mistress was contacted with details of the event, her only comments were "I can't believe that he would explode like that without me. Am I chopped liver here? What about me?" (story continued on page 2A)

Please stay your path. Don't let a little thing like this throw you.

All the best,
Gimble

!!!!!!!!!!!GIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE THE [color:"red"]**BEST**[/color]

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

**snort** dang, he's good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />