Well, the title says it. I'm just about as low as I have ever been.

Lots of stuff - don't know if any of it is worth talking about.

First, I think my #1 EN is admiration or something like it. Admiration and affection go a long way with me. Living without them is like trying to live without air. W never gave me much of that. Maybe I didn't deserve it. I don't know. I can't be objective.

All I ever got from her was blame, critisms, accusations, and angry outbursts. For a man who's #1 EN is admiration, this is the anti-EN - the very opposite of what was needed. So, now that I'm (mostly) disconnected from her, why do I feel so bad?

I think I have the capacity to "pay myself" in this department. If I'm doing something that I think is good, I can admire myself a bit. Does that sound sick?

I need somebody to need me so I can do things for them - things which even if my W did not admire me for, at least I could believe that I was a good guy doing something good.

Maybe I'm completely off base there.

Lately W has been demanding (asking would be nicer) that I do two things for her - and probably the reason she demands them is that at some time or the other I've said I would do them. But they are emotionally loaded.

1) she wants me to help her move to her apartment.
2) She wants me to take her to Atlanta for the citizenship interview.
"She wants...". Yeah, I know y'all are going to tell me that it doesn't matter much what "she wants" right now.

Moving her out (although I want her out so I can get the house sold) will hurt like 'ell. So, I told her I would hire somebody 2-men-and-a-truck to do it for her. I hate to spend the money (why not spend her money?), but its just so painful to do that - again.

The citizenship interview/ceremony is something I've looked forward to since we were married. I really wanted her to have that. I think it means more to me than it does to her (not that it means nothing to her). But it will be a very long day - and loaded with emotion. I've asked her to get somebody else to take her, but she wants me there - because she relies on me. I'm her safety net. I will have to be a very very good actor - and have a heart of iron to make it through that day without shedding a few tears.

OH, and I'm not sleeping at night - which means that I'm doing everything at about quarter-speed.

Anybody have any suggestions on how to get through this?

-AD

AD, sorry you are feeling down. Instead of serving your WW's needs, why don't you put that care into your DD. I know you do already, but really put some extra effort into her and the rewards will be huge. Not sure about the rest, but wanted to give you a {{AD}} hug.

I'm sorry, AD.

What plan are you in? Are you actively doing a plan?

((AD))

The reason I ask is that no matter the plan, they are about helping YOU save the M (if that is what you want - which is I think why you're here). And they both are about saving YOUR feelings, shoring up YOUR defenses (just in case), and help to keep yourself of stable *mental* ground.

I don't see how you can do that by moving her out for one. And (not knowing your whole story right now), that ceremony is something you planned on as a couple...and as a couple you should be there! If that isn't in HER plan, then she needs to figure something else out.

JMHF(emale)O (got that from T&L today...LOVE IT!)

Read the plans. Shore up your *mental* defenses. We all have to, you know. Oh, and Orchid knows tons about babbling back to their disjointed, A-blather.

- Kimmy

Hi AD,

I'm sorry you're feeling so low today. Did you run out of cookies already?

I was thinking the EXACT same thing that Faithful Follower said. Why don't you focus on DD? You KNOW that she needs you. Spend as much quality time as you can with her. She will look back someday and cherish the times that you made cookies together.

Trust me, a father is very special to a little girl. My father, believe it or not, was a foreman at a cookie factory. He worked 2nd shift for as long as I can remember. I remember trying to stay awake many times - waiting for him to come home. I would be so excited when I heard his car pull up. Sometimes he would bring home some cookies. But what I remember MORE is the way that he SMELLED like cookies!! He would eat and read the paper, and I was content just to sit with him. He would tell me to go to sleep, but I didn't want to.

My father was bigger than life to me. I'm sure your DD feels the same way about you.

Yea ad I know how feel I feel that way sometimes to. anyone take a look at my post.

Thanks to each of you for trying to cheer me up.

Dealan-De,

I'm not marriage-building anymore. I'm divorcing. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do, but I'm so tired. I moved out to my place already. After she moves, we will sell that house. OM has been in the picture for our entire marriage and I just don't want to look back 2,3,4,5 years from now and have that still be true. We were waiting for her citizenship to come through. After that, there will be no reason to wait (except unless, by some miracle, she wants to seriously talk about getting rid of OM etc. etc.)

FF,

Thanks for the reminder. If things are sad for me now, they are sad for DD too. I can tell she's under stress. I've got to suck it up for her. I don't get to lay down and play dead.

SVB,

Thanks for the story about your Dad. I can imagine that. If your Dad smelled like cookies, then cookies must smell like your Dad. Smell is the sense that is most powerfully connected to memories. What a nice memory!

eemd,

Yeah, misery loves company. LOL.

Thanks again for the cheering up. It helps (a little).

-AD

>I'm divorcing.

Well then, baybee. ((I trying to say this with a 2x4 wrapped in nerf, cause I know you're hurtin)) You are not obligated to move her. You are not obligated to go anywhere where you have to wear your bleeding heart on the outside of your body for all to see (esp. her) your pain.

To ask you to do ANYTHING extra for her under the guise of friendship is nothing more than emotional extortion. Really. Truly. And that is mean...it is mean for her to drag you thru 10,000 mile of burnt gorilla [censored] nekkid, then expect you to willingly walk 5,000 more miles "just because" you've always been there.

mean. bad. no. draw the line. you need to for YOU. YOU are worth saving from this agony.

Oh. And get some sleep, man! Melatonin before bed works wonders. All this not sleeping magnifies all the yuck a million times till it's so big it's all you can see or think of.

Oh yes, Dealan-de, I think lack of sleep is a major cause of me feeling really down today.

My plan now is, having just fininished off a pound of fresh cherries <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />, I'll go eat my shrimp (desert first today), and work in the yard until dark - possibly without power tools - get really physically tired - take a shower and hit the hide-a-bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melatonin. OK, I'll go to the health=food store before I get myself all dirty. There's one about a mile from here.

Thanks,
-AD

>and work in the yard until dark - possibly without power tools

I've got a hill that needs mowin', and it's about a million and one degrees outside here. Think that would do you in?

AD,

I know you've probably heard this before, but...

IMO, she's using you. She has used you for your entire marriage. You said she has been seeing the OM for your entire marriage, and I know you've said she will be sponsoring the OM for immigration. This all says to me that you were part of a long term plan for them to get here together eventually.

That really, really sucks. And I know it hurts. But her recent demands to me just reek of continuing in a pattern of using you.

What are you going to do in 2 years when she calls and says she and OM (who she's now married to, BTW) are trying to buy a new house, and you need to loan them the money? Or in 3 or 4 years when she calls and says "OM and I are going on vacation, so you have to take DD these days when she was supposed to be with me, and she really hates being away from her little brother, so you need to keep our kid the whole time we're away too."

Maybe I'm off base here - I know it's been a while since I read your whole story, and I may not remember all the details. But it sounds like she has found someone she can use, and that's what she does.

I have an XH who, I now believe, used me through almost all our marriage (because I was the one who paid for almost everything and indulged him in almost anything he wanted, while he used most of the money he earned to run around on me and play). It's hard to think you were used like that - I know I have a tough time with it.

Just say no. No I won't help you move and be used even further. No, I won't take you to your citizenship ceremony and put myself through he!! for this shell of what I dreamed of for so long.

Give her the number to U-Haul and take your daughter to the zoo.

osxgirl,

Yes, of course, she is using me.

Still, I think I haven't described the situation very well...

She hasn't been seeing OM the entire marriage, but she has been in contact with him. Except for the year that she was pregnant and a few months after, during which she had NC with him. He came here 3.5 years ago - when DD was about 10 months old. Several times I thought we were rid of him, but she kept going back to him.

I'm sure it was not a long term plan - at least not in any explicit way.

If we are divorced, I will pay her CS every month and that will be that. I won't do anything else for her.

Your advice, I think, is good. I may not take it, but it's what I think I should do.

OK, out to the health-food store!

-AD

Well, I have melatonin - going to try it tonight.

W called ... blah blah blah. Sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful. She was working on me about the citizenship trip. She has "logic" etc.

If I was going to do it, I should have done it gladly, with all the enthusiasm I could muster. Now, by waffling, I've made it a negative deal for both of us. AAAAARGGHHHHH!

I'll just try to think of DD in the middle. She's the center of action for awhile here - has to be. I'll try to work it like that.

-AD

Maybe next time. I've bent (at least) one of the spindles on my mower - only 1 month old. I was mowing waist-high grass with hidden firewood in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> It's limping along until the part comes.

Oh, and I mow at night - with lights. It's much cooler. (but harder to see the firewood)

-AD

>She has "logic" etc.

Mothership logic stinks like caca.

As far as mowin' in the dark...we've got skeeters here with their own landin' lights. Aren't you afraid of the vampires?

I have 'skeeter spray. You should try it. Smells funny, but it works.

And loaded with poison. Ick. But still better than West Nile, I suppose.

reasonable == <she said>

immature == <he said>

>immature == <he said>

I prefer the word "silly"

She said,

"people who start something together should finish it together"
"We started this citizenship process together and we should finish it together."

I replied, "so when will our marriage be finished?"

She said "that's different" (isnt' it always!)

I said "We gave life to a child together, should we finish raising her together?"

She said "and after she's grown, we'll look at each with disgust."

Unfortunatly, that's pretty likely.

There was a lot more of LB's and recriminations etc. Complete waste of time and just generally not good. Sorry. I should do better.

-AD