Hello all:

My story is a very familiar one, I'm sure you've probably heard it before.

I met my STBXH at a work related picnic, he was an acquaintance of one of my coworkers.

I noticed him sitting alone at one of the tables and he looked very out of place so I went over to offer him something to drink. As I looked down at him I realized that he was better looking up close then he was from far away.

I introduced myself and one thing led to another and we started talking. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring so I didn't know that he was married other wise I probably wouldn't have given him my number.

I wasn't very friendly with the coworker who had brought him to the picnic other wise I might have found out sooner that he was married and my coworker transferred out after a while so I guess things were just destined to happen.

The whole affair started very slow. He would call me every Wednesday and we would just talk about everything and anything and then after a few weeks he asked me out on a date.

Of course at this time I was still in the dark about him being married so I guess he wasn't really talking to me about everything.

Anyway, that's how things were for a while he would call on Wednesdays and we would make plans for one day in the weekend. How he did it I don't know all I know is the more time I spent with him the more I liked him.

One day, about 6 months into the relationship, I got a call from a woman who told me she was his wife, imagine my surprise, my boyfriend was married with 2 kids.

Of course I tried to cut things off with him as soon as I found out but, he kept calling and coming by my house bringing me flowers (I'm a sucker for flowers).

He kept telling me that he didn't care about her that he was with her because of the children, you know the usual I love her but, I'm not in love with her garbage. He told me they were living in the same house for the sake of the kids but, that he and his wife didn't sleep together anymore.

One day he used the oldest line in the book, he said, "I love you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and, of course I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I tried my hardest to get away from him but, I was already in love with him so I chose to believe him. And after an affair that lasted about a year he did divorce his wife and married me.

Within 6 months of our marriage we started having problems, because he wanted me to be friends with the X, the kids (two boys, 8 and 10) his family and friends but, I wanted us to be the way it always was just me and him doing our own thing having a great time.

Needless to say the honeymoon was over, we started arguing about everything and anything, then he started hanging out with his friends more and more. Coming home late sometimes not at all.

I tried to keep him at home, I wanted so much for things to work out with us but, I knew in my heart that it was just a matter of time before it would all fall apart.

Now, he's seeing a woman that he said's wants to share everything with him. He said's, "She wants to be involved with every part of my life." Not to mention that she's best friends with his X, so I'm out and she's in, and now I'm the one suffering the OW.

I thank God I had the good sense to take care of myself against getting pregnant, that was one of the things that we fought about. He wanted me to have a baby right away but, I wanted to spend some time with him before getting tided down with a child.

Imagine what would've happen if I had given him a child, and now been left behind with a child in tow.

I would like to save my marriage but, I don't think that's going happen, my STBX has already filed for divorce and I heard from a friend of a friend that they're already living together.

When I asked him about it he said it was a lie, who knows I don't believe much of what he saids anymore.

I know I sound defeated, and don't get me wrong, I love my husband but, I should've known that if he played his first wife dirty then the chances were slim to none that he would be faithful to me.

Lucky for me I'm young and I don't have any baggage, is a matter of fact I went out this weekend with some of my friends and I met a really nice man.

I must be honest, he's really nice and very handsome, and I like him very much.

I don't really want to jump into a new relationship right now but, I'm so confused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />!!!

I was wondering, would be okay to give this man my number and maybe we could be friends till I can get my head straight? Or should I just stay on my own till all this blows over??

Need some advise please......

Thanks,

Only

BS-Me 27
WS-STBX 35
DDay 4/2/05
WS filed for Divorce 4/25/05

The short answer is "no" Only...

Don't do it, you have work to do and this will only muddy the water...muddy? Hell it'll turn the water to tar.

If you are still interested at all in saving your marriage...wait it out...the D isn't final and there can still be a change.

Plan A and don't think about any "friendships" right now OK?

I'll say more later if you are interested as a person thats been through it.

RM

RebornMan:

Thanks for the advise! I'm so very confused, on the one hand I really want to repair my marriage but, on the other I see him moving on with his life and I want to do the same.

I will however, try to take your advise but, it's hard to plan A with someone who's not there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Only

Yikes, let me tread gently here as a BW who is very angry at the OW in MY sitch who continued to pursue my WH knowing he was Md...

First, he has cheated before and now he is cheating on you...what are the REAL chances that he will refrom and be faithful? I think you already know the answer to that.

Second, why is it that you think that you HAVE to have a man in your life to make you complete? Why would you jump from this mess into another? Come on!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You are young, probably attractive...you deserve a man who loves you for you and ONLY you!! IMHO a man who would pursue a MW is not that man... nor is you STBXH! Clean it all out and start fresh. Free from the stigma of an A, free from the Md messes... don't you seserve that?

Only in faery tales. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I won't even go into the woulda, shoulda, coulda's that should have occurred when you first found out he was married. I'm sure you knew exactly what you were doing.

Now that you are married, do you honestly expect him to simply disown his children, family and friends? You can't even realistically expect him to disassociate himself with his XW because he has an obligation to co-parent and raise two kids with her...married or not.

Big LB and very selfish and controlling on your part I think.

It sounds to me like you are about to become another statistic of an affair born marriage.

You don't sound like you are even serious about saving the marriage. It's like "oh well, I should have known". You are already wanting to date other men. Have at it...make sure he isn't married this time.

Did someone let the trolls out?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

ba109:


You are right, I have been living in a fairy tale but, I'm here now looking for some help.

Again I think you are right, I should've been stronger but, unfortunately I wasn't.


You are right yet again. I know that it sounds and is unrealistic but, that's exactly how I felt. I wasn't asking anything from him that HE himself didn't give me from the beginning.


Yes, once more you are correct but, again I say, I'm here now and willing to learn.


Here is where you are wrong. I love my WH very much and if I act as if I don't care it's just because I'm trying very hard not to have a nervous breakdown.



Thanks for the advise but, I think I'll pass.


YOu might be right I may be a troll but, I came here to try to find some help.

Who let the cats out? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

TNT_RN:


I did not pursue my WH he did all the pursuing in my case. But, that does not change the fact that I did finally accept him even after finding out he was married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


My feelings exactly but, I still can't stop hoping that maybe if I put in alot of time and effort we might have a chance.

But, in my heart of hearts, I don't really think that's going to happen as he's moved on with his life.


I don't know, it's not like I feel that I need a man in my life to complete me. I guess I just don't want to be left behind, you know the, he's moving on so I should be moving on kind of thing.


Thank you for your support I know it must've been hard for you to give help to a person who was an OW.

I do agree with you it's time I start thinking about what I really want out of life. I probably should just sign the papers when they come and not fight it.

Sooooo.....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Only

You are so young, you have no children and this man has already had two affairs that you know of. He has abandoned two wives and two children. He is almost ten years older than you, but is acting like a child.

I am way over my H's affair, so this is coming from my heart. Cut all ties to this man. You deserve much better. He played you. Read all you can about relationships here. I understand that you love him, but he is not healthy. Since there are no children involved, I really think you should just move on. I am one of the most pro marriage people, but this just isn't a man you can count on. I doubt he would swim thru shark infested waters to bring you a tea, as Dr Laura says.

I am sorry for your pain. You do not have that much invested in your doomed marriage. Move on and find someone who will walk on water for you. He's not it.

By the way, I consider you a BS now. No one wins in the triangle of love. HE is missing something and needs to look into HIMSELF to find it. He will never be happy until then. It is not you.

I have great empathy for the OW now that I am over my pain. We all get hurt. Hugs.

I beg to differ. The fact that you carried on with this man after the discovery of his marriage would suggest that you do have some baggage. Take some time and discover why you did this unless it's typically in your nature to sleep with married men. Personally, he doesn't sound worth persueing so I wouldn't worry about that.

If I were you, I'd think long and hard why I compromised my morals. Decide what I wanted in a mate and then slowly enter into the dating pool. Of course, I would wait until my divorce was FINAL and probably then some. Yes your young and what you've been given here is a lesson in wisdom, so what did you learn?

Hon, if I were you I'd get into some heavy duty counseling and just work on myself. Put all energy into becoming strong, healthy, independent. You may think you are all of those things, but you're not.

You went ahead and got involved with a man before knowing anything about him. Not strong, healthy or independent. It's silly to become emotionally involved with a man without really knowing him. When you were dating, I bet he never invited you to his house. (That would have blown his cover ..... )

Now, he's already cheating on you. You were an interlude, and now it's old. If he gets serious with his ex's best friend, he gets to have his cake and etc. The ex is okay with the involvement, and the new girlfriend supports his relationship with the kids. Talk about perfect!

Please, get into therapy and figure out why you are so willing to jump into dating before you have
1. gotten to know the man enough to know if he's married
2. started thinking about moving on while things are still unresolved in your soon to be ex marriage.

Like the others said, you are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. And thank god, you were smart enough to use birth control. Go, live your life. YOURS, not some man's. You are somebody.

I really don't have any advice....just a comment.
I'm sorry that you are going through this but now do you understnad how his EX wife felt? I think the moral to this story is "be careful what you do because it will come back to you".

I do feel bad for you and truly hope you can save your marriage. There are a lot of people here that can offer great advice. Good luck!

FWIW I think it took alot of "stuff" to come here and ask for help... and I want you to know I am in no way comparing you with the OW in MY case, although there are always some common threads

Move on... I am no advocate for D but you are not in a "Holy union" with this man and never will be... no good can come of this continuing, let him go where he will. YOU work on YOU!

I agree with TNT. Unfortunately this man will keep doing this. He's proven it twice already. You need to wokr on YOU! You can do it....stay strong!!

Bellevue:


You are so right, I haven't been very smart at all in all of this. Of course this is easy to see now that everything is falling apart around me but, in the beginning he told me he was busy working.

When we did get together we'd go out and have a good time so, when he needed to go back to work or had to make business calls I didn't question it.

I guess, maybe I just didn't want to know, now I really want to do the right thing. My problem is I don't know exactly what the right thing is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Thank you for that, it's been a long time since anyone's reminded me of that.

Thank you all for your advise. I wasn't sure if I was going to get any help at all due to the fact that I'm a FOW.

I am truly grateful to all of you who have put your own pain aside to share your wisdom with me.

Your words have done me a great deal of good, I am looking into going to see a pro and taking better care of me before getting involved with anyone else. After all there's only one me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As for my STBX/WH, well, I guess we all know how that's going to end. Again, it's not that I want to get divorced but, I don't feel like I have much of a choice.

I mean, I hardly see the man any more, how am I supposed to work on the marriage? You know, thinking about it now, maybe that's one of the reasons I was looking to start a new relationship. I guess I thought that, if he saw me with someone else he'd get it in gear and try to save what's left of our marriage.

I don't know I'm just babbling now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> This whole situation is so embarrassing What the h311 was I thinking. OMG!!

I haven't even told my family yet. I guess I'm just afraid, I don't want to see that look of disappointment in their eyes.

I have to go now, I need some rest. This whole thing has been exhausting. Wish I could go to sleep and never......

Only

Natural response... the jealousy thing, but it will only be a temporary male ego thing (you can't have MY W) and once he is confident you are back under his wing he will step out again... BTDT.

Not worth it only, none of it is!

I pray that you will move forward in faith and grace and one day look back and feel some shame for what you helped do to "original" family but dignity and pride that you made the right choices thereafter... let go, he was never really "yours" at all... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't beat yourself up. Really, you are SOO young. You must have met him when you were less than 25, hardly an adult. The human brain isn't fully mature until the late 20s.

Cut your ties with this man who is a bottomless pit. He will suck you dry and move on to the next victim. His problems are within him. I like the idea of IC. It will help you grow and put this behind you.

I promise you that you will be better off in a few years. Hold on to that thought. Life is too precious to waste time with this guy. If I only had the wisdom at your age to know that!!

Yes, you will grieve, but you will be stronger and smarter the next time you choose a mate. You need a man who will be the father of your children, a man who will hold your head in thrity years as you throw up. You want someone who will stick by you and pick you up when you are down, and you want to be the wife who will do the same. This man isn't it. He only showed you his bright and shiny side. Now you are getting to know the real man. He loves himself the most.

I hope that you will get the IC and figure out why you were attracted to him (could be that your father did not give you the proper attention or who knows). You need to figure this out. Get very involved in activities you like. If you like to do art, then get into those social circles and you will meet people of like minds. Same for hiking, etc. It could be your work. Try to keep your distance from this man. He WILL try to sabotage your next relationship. He is not psychologically healthy.

I wish you the best. Stick around here and learn about what is good in a partner and about emotional needs etc so that when the time comes (and it will PROMISE) you will be able to choose a better man. He lied to you. He only showed you what he wanted to. The man you fell in love with doesn't really exist. He was just a projection of what you wanted to see. Much easier for an older man to do. Hold on to that for today. He isn't who you thought he was. Hugs to you. It will be OK. When you look back in 10 years you will think thank God that relationship ended. XXX is 10X the man that YYY was.

Thank you for your advise, I guess I have no choice but to take it now.

I will really need to be strong now as I just found out that my STBX and his new GF are pregnant.

The sad part is, I found out directly from him. He called me supposedly to talk about the divorce. He was being so nice to me that for a second there I thought that maybe he was thinking twice about the divorce.

Then out of no where, he dropped the bomb on me about the pregnancy. He said he didn't want me to hear it from someone else and get upset. As if hearing it from him made it any easier!

What he was really afraid of, which he finally admitted to after a while, was that I would get mad and hold up his divorce. It really shocked me that he actually said, "my divorce", as if I didn't exist or wasn't involved at all in this marriage.

I sat there with the phone to my ear thinking, is this really happening. OMG, I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare that I just can't wake up from.

I told him to get the papers to me ASAP, that I would sign them. I told him that I didn't wanted MY divorce just as much as he did. I got so mad, I started crying and ranting at him on the phone.

I was so far gone that I didn't even notice at first that he had hung up on me. Then I heard the operator and I realized what had happened.

I cried so hard, I've never felt such pain in my life. My heart aches every time I think about his words, "GF is pregnant and we want to get married ASAP."

I'm sitting here trying to get a handle on my feelings, anger, disappointment, disgust and yes, even hatred, not just for him but, for myself too.

I called my mother and she's very upset but, she wants me to come stay with them for a while. I plan to go there for the weekend and see how things go from there.

Depending on how it goes with my parents, I will probably be away for a while but, I hope that you will all be here when I get back. I have the feeling I will be needing your wisdom and alot of support.

I really appreciate your kindness.

Only

ah, the ramblings of the clueless. . . . .

baggage is not black leather and goes on airplanes,
issues are not just from subscriptions. . .

the fact that you couldn't break off the relationship, that you believed his words, and married him anyway. . . that you can be blinded by flowers, . . . that you now don't just stand up and divorcehim as a mistake. . .

means you still have baggage. . .

wiftty

WhenIfindthetime:

Thanks for your reply although I can't say it was of any benefit to me. It was neither informative nor supportive.

Obviously you didn't find the time to read my last posting wherein I stated that I was going to sign the divorce papers ASAP.

I may be clueless but, I'm not stupid.

Only