Have you ever wanted to meet your significant others ex when there are some "red flags"? I've been with my partner for two years, we have a strong solid relationship and we plan on getting married next year. However, we are approaching the mark....the mark of where the masks come off and true colors start coming through...I am seeing a very impatient man emerge, with a very short fuse. I've seen some underlying deep insecurities show face. Jealousy, wanting me to be with him 24/7 and not wanting to socialize. We are opposites in that regard, I"m very outgoing and he "just doesnt have the need for small talk". He's cynical...his motto is " dont have expectation of anyone and you'll never be disappointed" I talk to his ex regarding the boys, making arrangements if we are going to be out of town...basically communication regarding what's going on with the boys. The youngest 17, living with us and I am step-parenting...or better yet parenting for both the bio's. I love these boys and truly care about their well being. I also care about my well being and because the ex and I are business like and friendly. I just want to ask her some questions about HIM. I would have given my left leg to have known about my ex....serial cheater, womanizer...I found out the hard way =(. I guess my left eyebrow is raised and I'm wondering if I want to marry this man....I love him, he's kind, loving, thoughtful...just something is amiss and I cant put my finger on it. I have been verbose in my post so I will stop here. Thanks in advance for input.
ruby

I think many people would like a different perspective on their future spouses. I just don't know it's a good step in furthering your relationship.

I'd love to tell my X's GF about some of his [censored], but then, she'll have to learn it on her own, or perhaps she can handle it.

Your right Newly...I know this in my heart of hearts. Curiosity yes...but it can kill the cat. I just need to keep my vow to always listen to my guts. Observe, take mental notes, observe patterns and evaluate "redflags". Intuition...we all have it, we just need to pay attention.
thanks,
r

[color:"blue"] Ruby,

Dating is a time when you assess how well someone is meeting or is able to meet your needs. If you are finding that he does not meet your needs for conversation and FURTHER that he has no intention of meeting those needs, then you have to assess how much resentment is going to build over this unmet need - same for socialization.

Not saying that this is your case, but abusive men tend to isolate their women. He won't like her friends or relatives and eventually she will give into pressure not to contact anyone that he doesn't like. The relationship would have moved very quickly into exclusivity with pressure from him to commit - perhaps before the woman is ready to commit. It seems very needy and insecure to want to have 24/7 contact - even married couples will have some friends or activities outside of the relationship. (Although Harley does not encourage a couple to spend large amounts of recreational time with others - rather that the couple focus on recreational time as an opportunity to meet their spouse's ENs.)

I think that if you think she has some insight that it might be useful to ask her questions. You may find that she will confirm your fears about his true nature.

Above all, I think that you should trust your own instincts. Read some info on emotional blackmail, manipulation, control, and verbally abusive behaviors.

V. [/color]

Thanks sunny,
Our compatibility is great and we meet each others needs. I have a need for socializing and being around other people from time to time. He doesnt care about cultivating friendships or socializing...his words verbatim. So this would be our only area of incompatibility. I think it is deeper than the above. I think he must carry some heavy baggage. Fear of abandonment perhaps. HIs ex was unfaithful in the marriage and he seems sometimes obsessed with whether I will cheat on him. However; my intuition says that he might not have been so innocent. There is a more to our story, incidents of porn, email accounts newly set up, online dating sites.......again, Redflags. So I'm just observing and making mental notes.

Ruby:

Reading your post brought back many bad memories of xw's behavior during our 1st 2-years of M. The similarities are amazing!

There are numerous red-flags in your words and I suspect that you consider (or hope for) the good to outweigh the not-so-good. It will only get worse! (sorry for the frankness!) To be honest; I don't feel you really need to talk to his ex. You already know the score. Perhaps you're looking for her to validate what you already know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm not going to bash your significant other, however I know of what I speak. Here is the link to a website that I feel will help you find what you're looking for. It is a bit complex, but very accurate.

http://samvak.tripod.com/index.html

Lastly, I just want to offer my thoughts on "dating", and reasons for dating in an overall, 'big-picture' sense. All reasonable people date with the hope that eventually we will meet the person that we desire to grow old with. The truth is, we should only continue dating that person who possesses the same core values that we do. Remember that our core-values are etched in stone, permanent, nothing can change them no matter who comes along or what happens... An example of a core value for most would be that they will never murder someone. For others it will be that we will never cheat on our spouse. Still more: "I will never molest children or people, I will never steal, and so on." Our core values are absolute! We will take our core values to our grave. Once we act against a perceived core value ; the immediate realization is that the former core value - actually never was a core value . It might have been a moral, as morals can change given the circumstances.

So, we strive to find another human-being with like "core values" while dating. The hard part in all of this is that we won't know what our partner's core values are, until we are (or they are) finished with life! The easy part in all of this is: If your current partner does not share your core-values (by reality, never words!) and you choose to stay or marry them anyway - you cannot blame them for the demise of your marriage! Because you had the knowledge prior to committing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for getting lengthy there, but Ruby; I wanted you to be able to distinguish between what you're being told, and what your senses have already made you aware of! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck!

FR

Bravo, FR.

Ruby, I'm very concerned about the red flags. Please don't take them lightly. Please don't settle.

hugs,
Faith1

"you never know anyone" is true. I'm a big fan of SamV as my exH was textbook Narcissist, thanks for sharing the link. I just dont really know what to believe. His actions in meeting all my needs are at 95%. He's a pleaser/giver as am I. No problems in that dept. Core Values are seemingly the same. The several incidents that have created mis trust and doubt in my head were discussed. He willingly gave me passwords. Here's my question and one that I also asked him: If your partner is telling you almost daily how much they love you, how happy they are, how fulfilled sexually and how they want to spend the rest of their days with you, then why go a peeking in and making the concerted effort to post a profile even without a picture. His response, EGO, needing assurance from the oppposite sex that he was still found attractive. Okay, I buy into some of that and I do know that he never responded to or recieved emails from the site except those of the site moderators themselves basically asking him to go ahead and sign up for a membership vs the trial. MY point was again..if a man is stating, acting and living as though he is in bliss....why the hell go looky looN around....hmmmm curiosity perhaps. Hell I dont know. I know that he is committed to this relationship. This little caught in the act has me on guard. No, I wont pry or ask his ex for any scoop...tis been about his kids and our relationship will stay on that level period. Not tieing the knot anytime soon. Thanks again to all that responded it has helped a bit in gettng my head back on straight. Faith...thanks chicky...I promised myself the next go round that I would never discount the redflags, however subtle, waving in front front of my nose.
ruby

Ruby:

These are the words that are like sirens going off. One very good issue is that "the mark of where the masks come off..." has happened now and not after you were married again:


And I hear that you love him very much. However I stand firm that these are signs of future trouble. (Anyone else care to offer input???)

If I were you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I would talk to a wisely chosen counselor and speak to this person by yourself first. Be as candid as you've been on here. Lay it all out. (Because we are at best only arm-chair counselors with a bit of real life experience.) And see where that takes you.

JMHO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

come off as we become more and more comfortable in the relationship. Our date faces come off and we no longer are conscious about putting our best foot forward. Yes Fish, I love this man, he's truly the best parnter I've had, and the relationship is healthy...wow let me type that again...this relationship is healthy!!! I however do hear you loud and clear and I hear my innerself. I know my guts! I think that having time vested in a person, we do overlook the little flags...and soon the are pretty red and waving. I'm guilty of having blinders on in my lifetime no doubt! Thanks for the Clue by 4, Just what I needed to get my ducks in a row....He's living with me, as is his 17 yr old, I dont wish to uproot this kid and will let him finish out his senior year. My man has been an incredible provider, giving me the opportunity to quit my 15 years of outsoide sales with corp bullsh!t, and have my little 30 hour a week gig .5 miles from the casa. One thing that has never been in my vocabulary is dependent...funny that the last couple months I"ve felt completely dependent on this man. Now I am pondering his "old fashioned" ways as merely as way to keep the little woman where she belongs, subserviant while he's free doing what he wants. That hasnt been the case of course, but perhaps as another post mentioned, control issues ect...might come to surface after we were married. I'll be thinking about this. Thanks guys.
r

Only the best to you Rube! Please enjoy this little verse that I've had for many years. Sorry that I don't know the author.

Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not at heart a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's spouse or family member. Love creates righteousness and justice here on earth. To make love is to make justice. As advocates and activists for justice know, loving involves struggle, resistance, risk! People working today on behalf of children from broken homes, the aging & sick, and the poor in this country and elsewhere know that making justice is not a warm, fuzzy experience. I think also that successfully married couples realize that the most compelling relationships demand hard work, patience, and a willingness to endure tensions and anxiety in creating mutually empowering bonds.

FR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Nice Fishracer! Appreciate your feedback my friend =)

be well,
ruby

And you know, the saddest part of this that is also perhaps the most telling is that clearly you don't feel able or comfortable "discussing" this deep inner set of feelings with him! Hmmmmmmm - think about this.

High Flight

Ruby,

I read through your post here, as always, these people come through for us.

I was going to mention something, but then had seen that Fishracer already had.

But, I will repeat....

If you truly love this guy and are about to be married to him, maybe you should go to pre-marital counseling.
Work through these issues before you marry.

All the Best to you, I know this has to be heart wrenching.

Karona

If you feel you can talk to the ex & get a fairly unbiased view, go ahead. I would have prearranged questions that are very specific, not openended that could lead to too much info. For example: Has he been abusive, verbally or physically? Has he ever cheated? Does he often lose his temper & what does he do when he does?

Perhaps say to your SO you see some behaviors that have you worried. Ask him about them. Tell him you'd like to talk with his ex.

Personaly, if a SO of my stbx wanted to talk to me I'd welcome that because she would be dealing with my boys & more info. could be of use to her.


Good luck.

I think that I must have given off the wrong impression to a certain degree. We do communicate very well, we share our feelings without lovebusting. I have just noticed a change in behavior, not directed to me, just in general with day to day work stress. But these changes are lifitng my eyebrow.

Still Ruby, it's behavior that bothers you & you're wondering if this is something you may not want in your future.

Before I decided to not marry him based on this behavior towards other people I'd dig a little deeper. It could turn out to be nothing & you will be relieved or you may have cause for concern. If it has bothered you enough to voice concern over it & say you might reconsider marriage to this man figure out what's going on.

well, I talked to him last night. Told him that I felt A: taken for granted B: concerned that I'm having to stifle my personality. Final words from his mouth was "its over" So there it is, when there is confrontation he bails. Perhaps he'll think differently today but I stand firm on my grounds of "thats fine". I've shed more tears in my marriage that I dont think I have any left for any relationship...and I will not cry over him. Pull my boot straps up tight and get my act together. I feel a sense of relief strangely, kudos to me to liten to my guts yes.
ruby

Oh My Ruby, and you were getting married when??

It will be interesting to see if he comes around and what he has to say.

What about the living arrangements? That could be sticky.

Keep us updated.
Karona

Oh we'd not set any date, we'd just talked about it....after his youngest17 finishes out this last year of school. He wont come around, and believe me, i'm fine with that. This relationship has run its course....and its true, nothing is forever, we live, we die.
ruby