Hay all, I'm new here. Hope I'm posting this in the right spot.

I've read all the info on this site over and back again, introduced it to my wife and we both agree Dr. Harley's approach "feels" right for us. Obviously my marriage is failing... but where do you start? I'm kind of overwhelmed with all the information here.

We agreed to the three policies, took the Emotional Needs questionnaire and discussed the results. (learning a lot about each other and ourselves!) Made a vocal commitment to make the marriage work...

We wanted to start on a positive note (with the Emo Needs) and stay away from the Love busters for now. We don't want to alienate each other yet by pointing out all the things that we do that have been driving us apart.

I guess I'm wondering if this is a good approach or do you try to do do both at the same time? (seems counter productive) And I can't imagine only trying to discuss our love busters now, I'm sure I'd either get defensive and want to pull away or offensive.

So enough with my babbling, How did you go about coaxing the healing or how would you if you could of done it differently?

Hi, Kole.

Welcome to MB! I am optimistic about your situation, because both you and your wife agree that a change is needed, and are willing to work on it.

You might want to repost this over in the Emotional Needs forum, where more people will see it.

I'm glad to hear your wife is onboard with MB. I would recommend, though, that you change the order with which you start.

The recommended order of things in MB, in cases where there is no infidelity, is to start with Love Busters, then proceed to working on Emotional Needs. The reason for this is because when spouses are actively Love Busting, they are depleting "love units" from their "Love Banks" faster than they can fill them. Furthermore, Love Busters discourage your spouse from opening up enough to allow you to fill their Emotional Needs (ENs).

If you think of your "love bank" as a barrel of water, you can see that the Love Busters punch a hole in the bottom of the barrel. Try as you might, you won't be able to fill the barrel. Patch up the hole first.

My own personal observation is that when you start working to eliminate your Love Busters, it is very noticeable to your spouse - and will help to convince them of your sincerity. Once you have eliminated most or all of your LBs, you really create a "safe harbor" in your marriage for your spouse to open up to you.

My wife was ready to divorce me after 10 years of neglect on my part. When I found that out, my immediate plan, without having even heard of Marriage Builders, was to stop doing the things she hated - or in other words, to stop Love Busting. In my case, it paid off - within a very short period of time, she had decided against divorce, and we are happier now than we have been in years.

Anyway, please consider posting in Emotional Needs, because you'll find a lot more people there who are trying to do the same thing you are, make your marriage better.

Good luck!

cuthbert calculus-

Thanks man, that's exactly what I was looking for. It does feel like that too, filling up a leaky barrel.

I'll cross post over in EN as well, thanks.