how did you feel upon after filing? was it easy? did you feel good about it? just curious and was trying to understand the "other side," if there is one, b/c if you didn't value your marriage you probably wouldn't be on this site

DrBR -

For me, it was somewhat of a relief. I had been waiting "in limbo" for three months, hoping my WW would pull her head out. Against most people's advice (both IRL and here) I waited for some time even though my WW moved in with her MM and was essentially using him to further her opportunities in her career. She was, and still is, a selfish user.

No regrets...at least not yet. The process has just begun, though.


TM

I just hired my atty and got the preliminary settlement agreement. I feel sad.. but some relief too.

Part of me would love to say STOP and allow him to rush back, just cause it would fill some sick need. Then again he isn't exactly kicking down my door! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I agree with TM about the limbo... that sucks worse!

I felt flat if I remember correctly. It was almost 2 years ago that I filed. I've been dragging my feet. I don't really want to be divorced, but then I can't remain married to my STBX.

I'm notw looking forward to getting this over with.

[color:"blue"] I joined MB in 1999 - my original member number somewhere in the 5000's. I worked for four years to try to get my marriage back on track.

By the time I filed in 2003, I was ready to move on. My only feelings were fear that the ex was going to fight for custody or have a temper tantrum and scare me when he got the papers.

It actually empowered me to divorce him - I had learned a lot about the legal system re custody and divorce and property settlement (motivated by fear). He had sole ownership of our house and I wondered too if he could just put me out on my ear...

Anyway - I discovered that I could carefully set things up so that he was powerless. A position he created for himself with his bad credit history and affair.

V. [/color]

I felt so depressed, scared, anxious, horrible - I couldn't remember how to write my name. I've cried every single day since I filed.
I thought I would feel like I had some control. I thought I would make him see what he was doing. I didn't have control and he was glad to be free of the guilt.
Ending a 25 year marriage is like making empty your insides.

But, I guess I would still have done it. Someday, I will be glad. (I hope)

I felt very in control and very emotionless, detached.

I actually called my WWXW from the courthouse steps.

I said "This is it, if you have any intention of working on this marriage I will turn around and go home, if not I file now" In a very calm and rational voice.

WWXW says "Maybe it is worth working on after 13 years and 4 kids"

ME "No, it's not maybe XXX, it is yes I want to do the things we talked about or no I don't, no more maybe's"

WWXW "Fine then do what you want"

ME "I'm not here doing what I want XXX, I'm here doing what you said you wanted, I don't want to divorce"

WWXW starts crying "Do whatever you want I don't care anymore"

ME "Well then I am going to file, you can't tell me you even want to work on this then it won't work, I can't repair our marriage alone..goodbye"

And I never looked back, that was a year ago.

I wouldn't take her back now if she came with the winning powerball numbers.

Don't worry folks, it gets better, you get better, life gets better

I am feeling incredibly like ReBORn. The feeling of detachment and emotional control. Not an angry/bitter feeling but a confident - this is the right track feeling. I also would drop everything I had and accept her back if she could stop the A and be honest, state that she WANTS to be married to me. She can't her pride won't let her be wrong, won't let her be human. So for my own sanity I am continuing legal action to the conclusion. I will also probably call her, she moves out soon, before things get finalized (about a year) and ask her, but not until she stops the A and is honest. I need that in a W, and it is indispensible in a relationship - brutal honesty, coupled with the safety/security to be wrong. I don't think she gets that. I can say I'm sorry, she can not. So she is not. Makes the path I'm on all that much clearer. MTF

I'm in a somewhat similar line as RebornMan....

I was separated from my XW for 15 months following her 2nd and 3rd D-Days in 2/04. Did Plan "I'm Lost" for the first two, found MB, did Plan A for the next two months. Did Plan B until 1/05 (about 7-8 months), breaking it only in two random encounters at concerts and to acknowledge our anniversary. Other than that, I was silent... Somewhere among those many months, I realized that my life was drastically different, no longer included her and I no longer wished, wanted, desired her in my life in any way. In 1/05, I contacted her via text to ask her what kind of progress she had made towards a D. Her response while my friend sat 3 rows behind her and OM3 at a New Year's college bowl game? "I don't have the money." She wondered why I wanted a D so bad....after 3(+) A's and a year of separation. (Yes, she did actually ask that question!) We resumed minimal, minimal contact along the lines of did you call a lawyer, etc. She himmed and hawed for two months, no time, no money, blah blah blah.

I went to the lawyer's office on a Wednesday afternoon. I paid him $500, filled out some forms, signed a few things and that was it. Whole process took about 30 minutes. She signed for her copy of the papers a week later and that was that. About 45 days later, we we're D'd.

How/what did I feel? Nothing, honestly.

Moral of the story? I had "left it all on the field." I had given everything I could to my M for as long as I could possibly stand it. Then and only then, did I file.

If you are upset, nervous, worried.... I suggest you wait. If it would feel any different to you than writing a check for your rent/mortgage..... Wait. There's still something that you want to fight for. Fight for it. Leave it on the field.

That peace of mind makes life way easier for me, than if I had filed and just walked away, and left wondering what if.

But that's just me....

DogDad,

Your D-Day was 3 weeks ago?

Is that correct?

Yea, 10 June. I was reading the threads and right now I am convinced that a D is the right thing, it is the path I should be on. It takes two people to have a marriage. Are you driving the convo in another direction? Since the A is not over, I am going plan B,and believe me it's hard. She wants to talk to me all the time, but I try to be cordial and not personal. It kills her. I can see it in her face, but I have to let her deal with the consequences and not take her pain on for her. I've stated to her that if she can be honest and stop there may be a chance. She says she will stop, but she hasn't. She will not be honest. Without that, there really is no chance for US to move this family ahead, and families are supposed to endure. I work for my kids and our future now.

Dog,

What you do is up to you of course...but you think that making such a drastic decision on 2 weeks is a good idea?

My WWXW wavered back and forth, but if you give up this quick you'll never know if she would come around and thent here is the kids too.

All I am saying is 2 weeks isn't enough time for PlanA or to go into B.

Think about it. Read some of the books, get a plan...

Trust me you are just starting this journey and now isn't the time for rash and quick decisions...

Did you read "Surviving an Affair"? "Torn Assunder"? "His needs, her needs"?

You really ought to before going straight for divorce

Reborn

I don't really know if the decision is so drastic. Think about it. I can read all the books and things, and I can change behaviors and trust me, I'd be very willing to do that. However, when faced with overwhelming focus on the WS part, do you think it's sound to wait in limbo? To be perfectly honest, my WS has choices in this situation also, and she has stated numerous times, No, not ever, I want a divorce and as soon as I save up I am gone. When faced with that sort of resolve struggling to retain a marriage is slightly psychotic. I have read the His/hers and working thru surviving an affair. When do ya say, "this is futile and self-destructive" and just move on to a divorce. The WS continues to tell me she will come over when I have my dau and be with us, eat dinner with us, and I am invited over to her appt *when she gets one) except when she has company. I am the built in babysitter. Of course a D takes time, up to a year, and in that time she may change her mind, and I may also. She refuses to live apart w/o a divorce, refuses to go to counselling, refuses to stop her behavior and is in her words "ready to move on". I'm slightly stunned by the resolve and emotionless focus, but that is reality. There is an issue of self-protection here. I also have to care for myself. I think the true issue is how deep is the love I have for this woman? How much am I willing to do and how far to go? WHen does that become self-destructive? My appt be begin proceedings is tomorrow. MTF

Dogdad,

You misunderstand me DogDad, I am saying that it took a whole heap longer than 3 weeks for your marriage to get to the point where your WW thought an affair was an OK thing to do.

A whole lot longer....

Wouldn't you agree?

Obviously there was trouble in paradise brewing for awhile. 3 weeks isn't long enough for you to have identified the things you have done in your marriage to weaken it and work to resolve your shortcomings.

What are you tempting the WW back with? The same thing that drove her to have an affair in the first place?

What motivation is that to end it?

"Come back W, come back to the same thing you didn't like before"

Your WW is totally wrong in her decision to commit adultery, no doubt about it, but frankly DogDad, you haven't earned a divorce yet and this decision will fill you with regrets in the future. Can you say you did nothing wrong in this marriage? Can you say you have always done what it took to be a great partner? I don't think so and if for nothing else the work you do now (if your marriage ends) will make you a far better partner for somebody else.

I did all I could and my marriage still ended but I have the comfort of knowing I did all I could. No regrets, no "what if's"

You won't have that Dog if you give up now.

Forgot about this......

First, Dog, why would YOU allow this thinking to even get a serious hearing? You can tell her what it will be like without being mean or cruel....

Like this "If you aren't going to end the adultery here is what is going to happen, I will have custody of our daughter and there will be no "family dinners", No mommy visiting at this house, You will not have access to this house anymore for any reason. I won't be coming to your place when she visits you and you won't be coming here while she lives with me."

Thats a start...Dog, I hope you have stopped asking her to go to counseling...it doesn't work on a WS and is a waste of money but IC would be good for you right now.

If you are seeing an atty. this is what you should be focusing on now rahter than a divorce...

protecting your asset's, protecting your daughter, period. The D stuff and seperation just fuels her insane fire.

I know this, you need to stop letting her dictate to you what is and isn't going to happen. You have the power until you hand it over and by letting her continue thinking what will be, you have handed it over.

Good Luck

RM

DrBr...you are so new to this...give it time and dont think about D yet...focus on saving your marriage...if you think about divorce then you cant put the effort into saving the marriage...Your not ready to even be on this board yet...

You will know when the time is right to file for the D or not...right now it is not the time...Stay focused on the positive and saving the marriage instead of reading on the D board...

D is a just like a mourning process...it is ugly and not fun at all....I dont recommend it unless you have tried everything possible to save your marriage...you have not...

I do not recommend divorce to those who have "just found out"...keep focused on your SPouse if you want to save the marriage...not divorce...

Hi DrBr,

I filed for D when I found out that while we were trying to recover from my A, my H has his own A. My filing was a knee jerk reaction to a threat he made over text messaging. We were separated (because he chose his trust in a girlfriend of ours over trying to build trust in me again), and I found the e-mails one night when I came home to get a heavier nighty.

He text messaged me (at which point I was supposed to always text back so he could know where I was, etc). And I didn't. I was fuming mad. We had been working for a year and a half into 'recovery' with me still putting up with verbal beatings, and sometimes physical outbursts. When I found those e-mails, I had enough.

When I didn't answer him back, he called me, texted me, and left voicemails numerous times. He said "If you keep doing this [not answering], I will make this divorce a LIVING HELL for you." My knee jerk reaction? Fine, I'll file, and we'll see how much of a living hell it can be because I've got ammo now, too. And I've spent the last year and a half working to be a better, moral person.

So I filed. I did hesitate, though. I was not ready to divorce, but I needed to put my foot down. And that gave me the opportunity to stand up for what I wanted and felt was right in the marriage. It felt good (although was incredibly difficult) to stand up for wanting honesty, committment, counseling, and respect. I hadn't stood up for myself for 8 years!

As you can see in my sig line, it took a while for us to finalize. But during that time, we spoke, we bickered, and we worked through a lot of our problems. But in the end, D was what was right for us - but we definitely earned our divorce.

Hindsight, I see it as a time where I did something I was proud of - standing up for a healthy marriage. Although if you go back and read my posts, I most likely did not really feel that strong at the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

In the end, though, I'm glad I stuck up for myself and the healthy marriage we could have had. He didn't have/want what it takes to work with me.....and we are better off apart. We are cordial - even friendly sometimes. But it's over. And I wouldn't trade what I've learned for the world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just very sad. Very, very sad. I haven't served him yet, he doesn't know, but hopefully I can get it done soon, maybe this weekend. All I want to do is sleep.

I am also not looking forward to breaking this news to our son. I have held out all this time for his sake. He knows something is very wrong, and it comes out in many different ways. I hope it will be a relief for him to have it finally out in the open, like acknowledging the elephant in the room.

I think I stayed in this marriage too long.

Facing the fact of being neglectful and thoughtless is surely hard but I'm facing it. You're absolutely right - what does she have to come back to - but I gotta tell ya it's killa not to place that blame on her too. I think though she has to come around and place that on herself. Chris123 had some encouraging words and btwn the two of you have pretty much beat me into a better reality. It's sorta crazy cause she keeps begging her just to give her what she wants. I am not as detached as you are when it comes to laying out the rules, cause the reaction is always so emotionally turbulent. I guess I have to do that though and stand the storm that will come. My resolve is solidifying around being as loving but firm as I can be, without beating her daily about ending the affair. I will and must tell her that there will be no contact once she leaves unless the A is terminated - no contact. I dread the thought of a long and expensive legal fight - she will make me prove the adultery in court. That's a real high burden of proof. I don't have a PI and pics and stuff. Just her confession, phone records, hotel receipts etc... I cave when she begs me to let her go easy. I don't want her to be hurt and damaged for a future. Right now it's "What are you offering the W." That's the focus. Thank you so very much. The guidance is simple but so hard to understand and harder to carry-out. MTF

Had to re-read things before work to help keep focus. Right now I read often, re-read.