Hi all my MB friends. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I was directed to this board. I have learned so much here and I cannot wait to get the books I have ordered. My eyes have been opened tremendously and I feel I am now learning how to be in a relationship. (please read my post over on the EMOTIONAL NEEDS BOARD ENTITLED "MY STORY AND THEN SOME". STELLAKAT DID A GREAT JOB OF PARAGRAPHING FOR ME SO IT IS EASIER TO READ.)

Ok, so after reading that post, here is what happened today... Like I said I have been reading so much here and have learned so much. So I saw an opening to speak with my H today and I took it. I told him I have been doing a lot of reading and research and learning about relationships and how to be in one, etc. I told him I have learned that when a spouse strays from a marriage it is usually because their needs are not being met in the marriage. I told him I feel I have been very selfish in our marriage and always lived independently and did what I wanted no matter what the other person felt. (learned that from my now divorced parents. There was my blueprint for marriage.) I said I recognize this and am working on changing it. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he feels his needs are that I never met or never even knew to meet let alone ask him what they were. I said that no matter if I am with him or someone else I want to know to 1. become a better person and 2. to learn how to be a good partner in a relationship.

So, he told me one of his needs is to have respect and be listened to, that I never listen, I do whatever I want no matter what he thought. (and I answered as I stated above agreeing with him on that one and saying it only recently came to my attention that I did indeed do this)

I asked him what else and he was silent. So I grabbed my notes I took last night from this site about the most common needs, wrote each one down, and a description, and asked him to rate each one on a scale of 1-10, 1 being lowest.

Basically, to put it short, he felt no need for affection (he is not big on affection displays), a low need for recreational companionship, little need for admiration although he said a pat on the back in nice once in a while. The higher rated ones were: sexual fulfillment he gave a 5, conversation he gave a 5. The highest rated were: Honesty and openness, physical attractiveness (I used to take so much pride in my appearance. I honestly am a real looker when I care. But the past 2 years have brought me down so much depression wise I just let myself go. I have stopped that and have been going strong and steady for the past month on being back to my old self. Daily excercise for at least one hour, got my hair done, back to tanning, and have lost almost 20 pounds of what I have gained in the past 2 years. So he knows I am working on this and I have spoken to him about why I let myself go. I do believe that is part of the reason he stopped sleeping the in same bed as me 2 years ago. I don't think he is physically attracted to me right now. As I continue being back on track I am sure that will change soon enough.) Finacial security with both spouses contributing, bills paid on time, money in bank, etc. I told him I knew I have fallen short there in the past, awful budgeter, but that is changing too.

A well managed house is important to him, and family commitment. He does feel I am too easy on the kids and that they walk all over me. He needs me to be an equal partner in discipline. Again, I cannot disagree. I asked him for suggestions on how I could do better in this area.

so, I feel I got some real valuable information here to work with. I noticed after this talk (and believe me he is not much on talking, ya gotta pull teeth) he smoked about 100 cigarettes and seemed agitated.... Probably information overload, had to think and feel there for a while. Or thinking of the things I do that p*ss him off probably agitated him.

I want to talk to him more but enough today. I still have no answer from him of whether he is staying here until deployed. If he does he knows he cannot have any lies or secrets or other women. Want to ask him about that but figure I will wait a bit. I hope he sticks around long enough to give me a chance to meet some of his needs. I really think because none of his needs have been met by me probably ever that that is part of why he is so depressed and unhappy. I know that is why I got so down and let myself go for so long. But I think if his needs start getting met the only thing that can happen is him getting happier and if he is happier he will start meeting some of my needs automatically.

So, what do I do next here? Keep working on his needs and on myself and see what happens? I do not want to push talking too much. I think he may just start opening up to me more as he sees the changes. Any input??? sorry so long! mlhb

Okay, that is an excellent start. Now you just show consistent actions. It is difficult to change, but once you start, it can be exciting. I would drop any more relationship talk right now. It sounds like you did a great job in listening to him and determining his needs.

Thank you. I needed to hear that this was a good step and a good start. I agree to chill out on any more relationship talk for now and not pressure about whether or not he plans to stay here. It encourages me to know I am headed in the right direction. I am going to learn patience out of this yet! And I needed to learn that because I am a person who needs instant results and answers as of yesterday. Instant gratification, that's me.... I am learning more than one valuable lesson here! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond. mlhb

Glance at him showing him admiration ...

Ask for his opinion ....

Tell him you like the way his body moves when he's washing the car... (or whatever he's physically doing)

Question~~~~ When was the last time you initiated sex?

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep - Don't get started with that "the way is body moves" stuff again!

Sorry, mlhb.

Pep, I think some of that stuff would be too soon to do right now. I have not initiated sex in a long time. I know right now my H is just so far gone because of so many things, like his needs never being met, and my weight gain (which is coming off now pretty good) he is just not attracted to me right now. And I do not know if I am ready for sex with him yet. It has been over 2 years since we have had it together so.... Too soon for that right now. One thing at a time. We really need to rediscover ourselves and fall in love all over again, I really believe that is what it will take. mlhb

Compliment him in the presence of other people. That is one of the most powerful ways to show admiration and respect. Second, don't pooh pooh the SF. If you have not had it in 2 years it will not be comfortable, but start slow with touch or a back rub, or asking him for one, so that you two become a bit more comfortable with one another in the physical department.

Also don't keep secrets, if he asks why you are doing something tell him. Your goal is a good sex life with him but you realize you both have to start slow and that is what you are doing.

I think you did an outstanding job of talking to him, but as was suggested actions will mean more than words. If you think you might have a tendency to blow off what he says, stop and ask him to repeat it, and then repeat it to him so that you understand what he says. It is called active listening and it is used in the military ALL of the time, that is why you hear commands repeated as they are issued.

You are going well, keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. I am nervous about pushing too mucb too soon. (about the SF) Before we separated and actually up until 2 years ago we had a great SF life. Both very adventurous and experimental, not shy. Had fun. But my H is just so turned off that I have gained weight, I know he is. My weight has been up and down my entire life. And when we were more new in our marriage my weight no matter what it was didn't seem to stop us in the SF department. But I did notice he seemed more proud of me when I am thinner. And with him saying physcial appearance is important to him I know my weight gain has turned him off. Heck, it turns me off. I know why I gained weight, my way of dealing. But I also know that all has stopped for going on 2 months now. I am feeling 100% better and am 100% into taking care of myself. Before all of this stuff of 2+ years ago I got certified in fitness and nutrition, excercised every day, etc. Well, now I am back to that again and start college in the fall for health. So I am afraid until most of this weight is gone that I have gained my H will not be interested in SF. I am scared and do not know what to do in the "touchy feely" dept. He will pull away from me if he thinks I am trying to push a relationship on him.

I think as I feel stronger, get the weight off, and have more confidence I will be more daring with what I do. And once his needs are being met consistently I am thinking he will be more open to intimate advances. Make sense? Believe me, I have been dying for SF! I love SF! But what are ya gonna do? I don't want to push him away. I will see what the coming weeks bring.

I will say this: My H has always done his own laundry. And we do our laundry in our basement. He would always get so upset with me for leaving clean laundry down there because it gets musty after a day or two. Well, I have noticed he has been washing laundry and leaving it downstairs until he has used it all then washes it and leaves it all downstairs. Very strange for someone who would bring it right up, fold it military style, and put it away immediately. He also left his suitcase with clothes,his military duffel bag with clothes down there since the end of april! I asked him finally why he wasn't putting his clean clothes away and he said it was because he didn't know what he was doing (staying or leaving).

so yesterday I cleaned garage top to bottom and brought all the laundry of his upstairs as it was getting musty and his stuff from april is actually mildewed! ew! I put them in the bedroom and told him why I brought them up when he got home. I said I didn't think he wanted his stuff getting ruined, I was concerned about all those clothes. He said fine. So I told him today I was cleaning the bedroom top to bottom and what did he want me to do with his 2 clean baskets of clothes? Would he like me to stack them in the corner out of the way or did he mind if I just folded them and put them away. He said I could just put them away. I guess he is done living out of baskets, we'll see for how long.

I also separated his darks and whites of his "ew" laundry and did a load of whites because quite frankly they smelled so bad I could not leave them in my room like that! So, I am really trying here folks. And today was not easy. We are in such a small town and where I tan so does the trash that slept with my H all last fall. I schedule purposely after her so I do not run into her. She was just leaving when I got there today. It hurts to have that daily reminder by seeing her, even just seeing her car. I cried the whole time in the tanning bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But didn't tell H, just dealt with it and moved on. I suppose I should learn to forgive her, I know she and her H are in counseling so I am sure she knows she did wrong, but it still hurts. I won't waste my words on her. My silence I am sure makes her uncomfortable enough, and tanning at the same spot probably makes her uncomfortable too. But it is the only place in town and I have gone there for years and I wouldn't change places even if I could because then she wins. I will handle it. Sorry so long, mlhb

Do the touching, just a touch on the arm, the shoulder or the hand. You are getting in shape and whether you realize this or not that MAY be more important to him than your actual weight. Further, since he had an affair it is clear he has a sex drive, so don't waste too much time. I understand you not wanting to push him but did you really read what happened to you today??

I don't think you did. Everything you wanted to do was OK with him. I am thinking he is wanting you to "fight" for him and not give up as perhaps he interpretted your weight gain. Us guys are sort of funny that way. Also, just remember one other things us guys are sort of funny about women's bodies. Perhaps some weight in the stomach might bother him, but YOU KNOW from what you read some weight in the booty can be a turn on.

I think you have more going for you than you realize and the biggest thing is that YOU are up and moving again: exercising, tanning, going back to school, helping him with the laundary, these are all signs that you have come back to life in the marriage.

You need to talk to him about many of these things, not to push him but to understand where he stands. Further, since he is a military guy, my bet he will respond to a strong declaration of YOUR intentions to win him back. You don't plann on losing the battle or the war and when you tell him that look him right in the eye. Men understand that more than you realize.

Look him in the eye, tell him how it is going to be, smile, give him a quick peck on the cheek, and shashy off to do whatever it is you have planned. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> NOW YOU ARE TALKING HIS LANGUAGE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Try it and see what happens.

You don't care if he smiles or gets angry, you want a reaction. Because once he starts to react to you he is out of withdrawal and THEN you have something to work with. Got to get him out from behind those walls.

Go for it.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your response JL. Your post made me cry! The part about coming back to life did. I really feel I am. I have been dead inside and out for so long. I am allowing myself finally to feel and to do and to be. As painful as finding out about the A he had last fall was ( I only found out about a month ago) it gave me the kick in the head I needed. My H gets home from work late at night and I am usually not up. But I think I will leave him a note stating a few of those things you mentioned. I am hurt very badly and I do not excuse the A but until I found this site I was going about everything all wrong. I do love my H and I do think he is worth fighting for. Thank you for that post! mlhb

Well, JL, I left my H that note last night..... Now he knows how I feel and where I stand. I told him I thought he was a strong, intelligent, hardworking, sexy man who was worth one last fight for..... among other things I put in the note. So we shall see what the future holds... mlhb