I am new to this forum and posting a message. I am so confused and hurt that I just wanted to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation or has an opinion.
My W of 23 years told me 2 months ago that she had "feelings" for an OM. The OM is a co-worker and it sounds like it started innocently, just like the book says. I moved out a month ago and have tried to stay in contact as much as possible. I guess that is my version of plan A.

My confusion comes after some of these visits. I was at my house doing some chores yesterday and she was as sweet as she could be. Said she was sorry for all this, I got hugs and kisses and then went on my way. We agreed that I probably should not stay overnight. The next day, she acts again as if I were an alien. Not the sweet person she was the day before. Is she now feeling guilt because of her love for the OM? I know they are still seeing each other and I can only imagine how serious they are. That thought is hard to handle.

I have read "Surviving an Affair" and know that I can't change her thinking. I know I must let this thing run it's course. This is the most painful experience of my life. I am miserable in the temporary home that I am a visitor in. The fact that she can still be affectionate makes me think there is still hope. I love my W very much and want this thing resolved. I wish I could hurry up the process.

99,

You are not alone as most of us have been where you are now.
Keep reading and posting and you will get a lot of good advice and help.

As you pointed out, there isn't a lot you can do to end this A directly but there are things you can do to end it indirectly. In my opinion, the first and most important thing you can do is expose the affair to others. Their workplace, the OM's W or SOF if he has one, etc. It can be very hard to do but it does work. It took a lot of prompting for me to expose the A to OM's SOF but things changed dramatically when he saw what he hadto lose.

Set up a plan A and stick to it. In the fight to bring my FWW back to our marriage, Plan A behaviors were the most successful tactic I had with her. They do work.

Read WATS quick start guidelines for more insight. They were one of the most sustaining things I had to keep me going.

You didn't provide any details but I am curious, why did you move rather than WW?

The last thing I can tell you today is not to give up hope. My FWW and I have been in recovery for about 3 1/2 months now. Its not all smooth sailing but we are much closer now than we have been in years.

Vaya con dios,
Gordon

Thanks for the response. I have spoken to the OM's W. He has filed for D based on his love for MY W! It is about as exposed as it can be.

I moved out for financial reasons. We have a 1 year old house (Our dream house) and I had a friend who could put me up. If she had moved, we would have had to pay for an apartment, lease, etc. I also emphasized that I was moving out as an expression of my love.

By the way, I didn't see FWW in the list of acronyms, but I think I've got one! I have a copt of WATS quick start guide and refer to it often. I am glad you are in recovery and hope that some day soon that we can be there. GOOD LUCK

I am sorry you are here...being a BS, I know how you feel.

Anyhow...I would move back in. If she want to move out let her on her own money. I wouldn't soil my new home with her A. You gave her a place....your place to conduct her A.

Move back in.

Yep, move back in. Let her move out and carry on her sordid behaviour elsewhere. No need to let her live in YOUR dream house!

Exposure... have you exposed a far as you can? Other than OM's wife, to whom have you exposed...? Her parents? Church leaders? Workplace? Work superiors? Sometimes the "scorched earth" tactic is needed in order to get the desired effect.

Plan A means depositing in her Love Bank, but does not mean stepping out of the way, thereby enabling the affair. Read all of Gramn's thread in General Questions II, not because his case is similar, but there is some really, really compelling reasons for EXPOSURE, and how to handle a WS who is defiant and lives with a huge sense of entitlement.

Read other threads, too, and see what advice people are getting regarding actions that make an impact on their WS's.

Just sitting on your hands and waiting is demeaning and robs you of your self-esteem. Taking action will empower you and strengthen your resolve, and may make your WW awaken from her foggy thinking.

Move back home!

SD

Move back in - let her move out. Let her move if she doesn't want you there. If she needs more money for a place, tell her to get another job.

You cannot do ANYTHING in love for a WS. They just want more and more, while being more and more disrespectful.

99,

I thought about your second post and I see that others have responded already. I agree with them, you should be living in that home rather your WW is there or not. At a minimum, if you aren't going to move back, stop doing chores on and around it.

Reality is what kills A's. Reality for your WW should be paying for her own place or at a minimum would be paying to cut the grass or whatever. There have to be boundaries for plan A behaviors.



Remember, aliens are in control of the 2 right now. When this ends, there will be a point where your W will look back and realize how stupid they sounded.

Vaya con dios.
Gordon

I guess I am making things too easy for her. When I do come by to help out, it is the only time I get to have pleasant visits with her and I guess I cling to that too much. We have had a couple of pleasant dinner dates, but most of the time I am invading her space.

She has agreed and has kept her word that the OM will not set foot in our house. I would find out quickly and probably do something I would later regret.
I guess there is a fine line between making love deposits and kissing A. My hope has been that by being Mr nice guy that her guilt would be compounded.
As far as exposure, we're there. Her parents know there is a problem and they suspect that she is in an A. The rest of her family knows. I think everyone in her company knows about it. The amazing thing to me is that to her face they seem supportive. But to me they say that they really don't see what she see's in the OM.

They (like me) don't know much about how aliens think. It helps to talk and I appreciate all the response. Keep in touch.