i know that none of this is my fault. that his a is a symptom of something wrong in our relationship. but it really pulling me down when we can't discuss any thing with out him getting angry at me. i try to be storng and he says i'm being cold. and thats not it at all i guess because i don't cry everytime hes here im being cold. i made my mind up i want to save my marriage and he just doesn't understand that he keeps running away. he says things are over with the ow and i haven't found any evidence to say otherwise. i just don't get why he thinks i am pushing him. i don't ask him for anything. i don't demand that he be here all the time i don't demand that he call me. also he is thinking that i am saying stuff that i'm not. it really hurt when he accuses me of stuff i didn't do. i have never lied to him in any way. i don't lie i give it to him straight. i just told him to believe what ever he wants i can't change his mind. ill post more later i am being called by the little one

I know that none of this is my fault. that his a is a symptom of something wrong in our relationship. but it really pulling me down when we can't discuss any thing with out him getting angry at me.

His anger is a sign that he is doing something wrong, and then trying to blame you for it so he won't feel guilty.

It is blame shifting, and a sure sign that you are right to protect yourself.

He says you are pushing him because if his mind can't find a some reason to blame you, then he has to take the blame. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he is at fault.

Remember, this is the fog. One big problem most people have is that they try to reason with someone that is unreasonable. It can't be done.

Remember, get a stock line, memorize it. When he gets angry, deliver it, and hang up, or leave the room. I am not kidding, think about it for a minute. Why would you want to waste your time when he is like that?

Remember, you can't reason with him, logic doesn't apply. Just get rid of him as fast as you can, and tell him over and over that when he is ready to talk calmly, and reasonably, you would love to talk to him, till then "leave me alone."

You should go ahead with the leagal work, and protect your self. You should not warn him because he may find a way to block what needs to be done. Please protect yourself financially.

So sorry this is happening. God be with you.

SS

well i will continue. i just don't get it. i have let him do what ever he wants 0 questions asked.haven't ask him to come home in a while. i just feel as though i can't do or say anything right to him. he gets angry. i understand the need for space. but why after we have had a blow up does he call and what to know stuff. i have to deal with him tomorrow i have clinical tomorrow night. he calls me i don't call him what is he thinking. crap about i have to do this for me.its not that i don't want my family. well it sure feels that way. i understand confusion i've been there.i haven't got a clue whats going on with him do know if i ever will.

This is the same VERY hard part of plan A that I am going through right now. There is no no explaination for the WS's unreasonable and angry behavior. They say they want "space", but what they mean is the want to continue to have an affair. I would do some evidence gathering real quick. Hire a PI if you have to. I'd rather not say how I found out that my wife's affair was still going on, but I did, and it sucked, but I feel like I have a lot of power now.

well i will continue. i just don't get it. i have let him do what ever he wants 0 questions asked. haven't ask him to come home in a while. i just feel as though i can't do or say anything right to him. he gets angry.

Again, don't try to understand him. How can you understand a crazy person??? Why waste your effort?

It's not what you are doing, it's what HE is doing that's the problem. You need to quit thinking you can affect him by being nice to him, it won't work. There is nothing you can do, or nothing you can say that will bring him to his senses.


i understand the need for space. but why after we have had a blow up does he call and what to know stuff. i have to deal with him tomorrow i have clinical tomorrow night. he calls me i don't call him what is he thinking. crap about i have to do this for me.

Quit worrying about him. Cut off his money, let him figure out how to live. He left, not you. DON'T LET HIM COME BACK UNTIL YOU KNOW IT'S SAFE. DON'T, DON'T DON'T.

Write down what you need to have from him for that to be possible. Don't make it easy for someone that treats you this bad to be able to destroy you again.


its not that i don't want my family. well it sure feels that way. i understand confusion i've been there.i haven't got a clue whats going on with him do know if i ever will.

Just figure out what you have to do to succeed. Talk to your legal advice, and do what is needed. Don't keep talking to him. If he calls:
"I'm sorry, I don't have time to answer your questions. I don't communicate well with someone that moves out on me and leaves me to handle all the problems. Call me back if you ever come up with a plan to pay the bills, and be a kind, loving husband again, otherwise, leave me alone. If you have legal questions, call my Lawyer at ###-####."

SS

just so everyone know just got off the phone with mnl and she talked to him. he says she isn't listening to what she doesn't want to hear. well i would if he quit saying you know what i want. no i don't he talks in circles and if i was amind reader. infromed him that i was fighting for our family. he said i know. and a bunch of other stuff that doesn't make sense. wh mom said to me maybe if you sat down with someone to help you understand one another it would help. well i have no problem with that but he won't. so i told her has she mentioned this to him she said in a round about way. well you have to be direct with him and then he stil doesn't get.crap i wish i had never caught him then i would not have to deal with this.

rant rave stomp and kick. i am so frustrated right now. one month into this thing and i could just smash his face for being so stupid. i would like to bust loose on him just one time. i don't understand him because he isn't speaking my language. he is talking idoit and i don't translate that well. hes going to keep messing with the bull and he's going to get the horns. i know i am supose to be calm and cool but right now i could break every dish in the house. i want to scream at him how could you take a nd throw away 8 years with a person who has love, supported and always had your back for a cheap fly by night hoe bag. just explain that to me. and not one person in my life understand how i feel and why i am doing what i am doing. i am taking a stand for once in my life and saying i am not a disbosible item. i count for something and this family is worth saving. we are worth it. it just really hard to listen to everyone say give up divorce him let him rott. how do you do that to someone you love.have children with and shared the last 8 years with. how do you look at your 2 year old and tell her daddy's not coming back he has choosen another women and her kids over your mother and you. how do you explain to an 11 year old that the man that was your father walked out because he refused to fight. just how am i suppose to do that. i am picking up the pieces that he left behind and putting them back together. i am sorting out the memories of what we use to be. i know i will make it with or with out him but it just really sucks. i want my life back. i want my husband back and i will succeed or die trying. i am strong and resorseful. and i will be [email]da@#$![/email] if i let the hussy win. thanks for listening to me rant i really needed this

joanna - It is completely stressful to try to figure out an unreasonable person. I'm sure in his mind he has made up a story of why his actions are just fine.

The best thing is not to give him so much power in your life. I know, easier said than done.

i kinda figure that he is still doing it and lying to me today will be tough i am going to have to leave the children with him from 1 until about 12 midnight. i feel as though i make some progress and then he starts up again. trying to maintain a steady coarse is hard

its really hard to do but i am doing it i have been doing the plan a but have also been doing 180's on him he doesn't know what to think but he knows that i am holding firm on wanting to save this marriage. that i don't want a d and i will take care of my self and that he needs to deal with his issues. i will no longer allow him to back me into a corner so i feel like i have to fight my way out. i really can't discuss any thing with my family because they just think i am being stupid. i am tired off others in my life deciding what i should and shouldn't do. i am sticking to my guns and will remain stead fast until the end. thanks for the support at least here i don't feel like i am being an idiot

You already know it's going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done. We are sorry about that, and sorry for your pain.

How are the other things in your life? How are the kids, amd how is school going?

SS

cshool is good just started another quarter. i get next quarter off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> so i will try topick up extra hours for work. the kids are good but really mis thier dad it's really hard on them right now. my 2 year old looks for him at night and it breaks my heart when she says daddy leave. she is having a lot of trouble sleeping and is really clinging to me. i think shes afraid that i will leave too. i just try and enjoy them cause they are the best things in life and he is missing out not me. so i can't complain.
right now i'm not really in pain its more just plain frustration and i hate dealing with stupid people and he ranks at the top of my list right now. my emotions have kinda evened out and i am doing better really pisses him off that he can't get a rise out of him but oh well. i refuse to let him anger me to the point of flinging insults or cussing at him. i just tell him that i love him and his family loves him and we will be here when he decides he wants us. that is my stock answer also use i have accepted my responsibilities for the problems in our marriage you need to accept yours. pretty good huh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Joanna,

Hi - I have been keeping up with your story. Don't have too much advice.....But, I feel your pain. I have such a hard time understanding how the WS can't see the damage that is being caused to the children.

Do you think WH would be willing to look & read some of the information on the MB's website?? I know that really opened my WH's eyes to what is going on.

Someone had posted a message with this link and I asked my WH to take a look:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=6#2697750 - patriot guide for WS

Hope that comes through o.k., if not maybe someone else can post it. I know that him taking the time to look at some of the information here has helped him understand and realize what he has been putting me and our DS through.

Keep strong. I know it is hard, as I have struggled as well.

Blessings,

Kim
D-Day, May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5
Still Contact
Working on Exposure

Joanna,

This is good, it's great in fact. You keep yourself right in this place.

You are doing so much better than I ever did and you are going to be just fine.

Hang on girl, this won't last forever.

ive told him about here but i don't know if he is willing to look i can try again i guess

i do feel better but i still have issues with food and not feeling very hungry. and i like the fact that him not getting to me bothers him. i got him today he was coming to watch the kids and was late so i left with the kids and headed to my moms. met him on the road and said i was coming and i told him you were late and did not call and after yesterday i did not know if you were coming or not. so he called me on my way to school and said he was sorry and to night he said he would call from now on if he was running late. so i hung tough and he knows that i mean it when i say it

If he comes here and reads your posts, you will loose the freedom to vent when you are angry or sad for fear he will read and get angry.

Usually it's not good for a WS to come until they are ready for recovery. Then it can be an aid to recovery.

I think you do better when you don't worry about him, and concentrate on what you need to do from day to day. If you are doing 180's, plan some things for fun for you, and go do them. Even if they are low budget things like taking a walk.

Really, it will help.

Remember, we, like you are working, taking care of kids, and sleeing too. We come as often as we can, but we don't post on any kind of schedule. If we don't get back for a while, it doesn't mean we don't care about you.

Get some sleep, sweet dreams.

SS

thanks i understan i don't think he would come here anyway. he sooo convinced he right and this is all my fault. so oh well who cares. he can get mad if he wants. doesn't phase me a bit

Joanna... take this dark time and use it to reflect on yourself. You can't do much for your H right now. You can't convince him of anything, not with words and logic anyway. Your actions can convince him to change his behavior, but your words just get twisted or ignored.

How do you think you could do better in your M?

GC

well i have been working on me . i have been reevaluating my self. my depression toke a lot from me. i lost time with my kids husband and other family members. i have changed all that. i have been working out, getting away from home more, just doing things that make me happy.i read a lot so books have really helps. its hard though cause he's blind to all the changes that are going on. i mow the grass feed the horses and go to school.
i could do better in my marriage by being a better listener , showing him more affection, doing all the little things i stopped because of the depression. my home is cleaner then its been in 2 years.i can make my marriage better if given half the chance but he is riding the fence. because he is so convinced that it won't and can't work and i also feel like he is getting bad advice from some where. don't have a clue where.lol. i just feel stonewalled a lot of the time cause i know he loves me but his statements about he can't come home without reasons bug me. he has no reasons just says because. i just wish we could talk without him getting angry with me