I recorded my WW phone calls last Sunday and Monday. That's how I knew for sure that PA was still going on. I heard things that no one should have to hear. I confronted her about the fact that I knew, she continued to deny it. Today she was SOOOOO insistent that it wasn't going on and lying to my face that I told her what I had done. Needless to say she was pissed. She laughed hysterically for a few minutes, and just stormed out of the house. Have I given her the excuse that she needed. Have I put the nail in the coffin? Or will this get everything out in the open?

You did just fine. I know how awful it is to hear the constant lying. I finally got to the point with my WH where when he started, I told him "Stop". I don't want to hear anymore lies." Of course, he is still with OW.

The only bad part of this is now you have revealed your source.

No, but she might have.

Yes, everything is out in the open now. She cannot lie and deny this evidence.

You didn't do anything wrong. You would never have done this if she had not given you reason to.

You are doing a good job. Let the chips fall where they may. It is up to her now.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

He may have revealed this source, but at least now she knows he is not going belly up and playing dead. Maybe it put a little fear in her.

Who says that next time he won't have a PI follow her.

Susan

Now is the perfect time to widen the concentric circles of Exposure about the affair. Who haven't you told? Now that you have proof of continued contact, open the floodgates.

Hunker down for the long haul, and this is not a sprint to the finish line. This is a marathon, times two.

Don't give up, you are just getting warmed up.

SD

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I did tell her that the only reason I did it was because I want us to be together and that I knew she was lying to me and that I just needed proof. I did look pretty weak though, and apologized all over the place. I wish I had stood my ground a little better.

She said that she would get a job tomorrow and work on leaving. I told her that is not what I wanted. She left to get cigarettes, but I knew she wouldn't be back any time soon.

She did call just now and asked me if I was OK. And to tell me that she was OK. And that she would be home in the morning so that I could go to work and take our daughter to school. She said we would have a long talk this weekwnd. I asked about what? She said she is not sure but that she would figure it out tonight.

Okay, so you have till this weekend to firm up your plans. You have caught her, and she won't like that. However, right now you will have to be the one to work on saving your family.

Let her know that you don't want a divorce, but cannot hold her in the marriage against her will.

How did you record the phone call?

I think you did the right thing. She'll blow off some steam, act like you betrayed her, and then the two of you might, might, get a chance to work this out.

I caught my wife breaking the NC agreement, she was very upset that I was still snooping and that I confronted her in front of her co-workers. This went on for a week or so, now she wants to stay in the marriage. She's still not doing anything to make our marriage work, but she's starting to come out of the fog. At least I hope so. I haven't committed to anything yet.

I wish you the best of luck.

GTO

GTO,
I recorded it using about $100 bucks worth of stuff from Radio Shack. I hope this does give her a reality check and makes her come to her senses, but I am not very optimistic. She was very cold and distant when she came home this morning.

I left her a letter that said, "While what I did was disrespectful and dirty, I was led to it by your dishonesty. I did not do it to "prove you are a liar" as you put it. I did it to prove that I no longer go through life with my head in a haze. I am stronger, my mind is sharper and I am not going to made a fool of. I will not sit by while some guy makes a mockery of everything we have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to build. I want to prove to you that my feeling are real, but I will not let OM tear apart everything that is still standing in my life."

Overkill?

Don't really think it was bad what you did bro, but I have learned from experience that it's best to protect your sources. In my own case my wife revealed a two year affair and that our new baby was not mine. Said she had broken off the affair and wanted another chance at our marriage.

Six weeks later on Father's Day I listened to her cell phone messages and heard a tearful message from her partner in adultery that said in part that he got her message and thanks for thinking of him. I told her what I had done and she blew up, accused me of trying to ruin the progress we had made! Her focus was on my 'violating her privacy' and she said my uncovering her lies would lead to us breaking up. *sigh* Try to see your wife as a pod person, not the person you thought you knew.

Now she guards her phone like the crown jewels. Should have kept my mouth shut and continued to listen. Like I said, protect your sources. Plan A as I see it is about establishing boundaries for recovery, not forcing confrontation by throwing lies in someone's face. Knowlege is power and you can see more clearly where you are at the more things you have that you can rely on to give you the truth.

Lastly, I thought I had nailed the coffin shut too. She barely spoke to me for days and we went back to square one. She speaks to me now and even tries to reassure me about her words. Who can understand the thoughts of an alien from outer space?

I still don't know much, but I do know that outting (my wife's) affair was a godo move. DON'T appologise at all. You and her are married? Why should you need privacy? My wife used to ask me to check her messages or emails from time to time. There is only the need for this "privacy" when there is something to hide.

As for giving up your sources, try and wait a week or something then try it again. In my case, my wife figured out that I have spyware on our computer, but I still have gotten some info from that source even though she knows.

I hear ya campdog. I knew that telling her about the phone rendered my info source useless, but I'm not sure I could stomach listening to it anymore. Over two days I gathered enough information to know that the fog is THICK. All they talked about were their sexual exploits.

I just could not take her sitting there lying to me so directly. I could not take her telling me that she couldn't go to dinner with me because "It wasn't right". I asked her whether she was still having sex with OM. She said "Yeah right, like I need that confusion right now". It was OK for them to go at it like a couple of teenagers, but I couldn't take her to dinner because she had to figure out what was on her mind. I lost it. She had to know. I didn't want her or him to think they were still getting away with this.

Look, you need to QUIT apologizing to her about how you found out. You did NOTHING wrong. You had every right to take whatever measures you had to in order to protect your family and marriage. QUIT apologizing...it makes it look like YOU are doing something wrong, and she will use that to leverage you into what SHE wants in this.

I got the 'proof' of my wife's EA by hacking her IM account, and setting up logging on it. I confronted her by emailing her the logs that I'd captured of her chat with OM.

This was over a year ago...guess what? She was somewhat angry, but had NO leg to stand on in the face of what SHE was doing. I was able to put an end to her EA...and we're a year into recovery, and doing well.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. DON'T LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DID. DON'T GIVE HER AMMUNITION TO USE TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

Ok, I don't feel bad about it anymore. I just want to see what her reaction is going to be over the next few days.

Still with ya bro and posting here to bump you up. I looked for your post. 11 days since I listened to her messages. She spent days mad at me but now we haved gotten back to where we were on that day (Father's Day and my birthday ironically).

Since that time I have hacked into her cell phone account online and now I have both of his phone numbers, something which she still refuses to give me. I have not violated my promise to leave her phone alone but then I hedged my bet. I don't plan any confrontation with the SOB but I sure as hell am going to get his address and a background history. I don't know if everyone knows it but with a first and last name and a good current address you can get everything that has been recorded about an individual including Social Security number, criminal history, addresses for the last ten years and information about relatives and even acquaintences.

I have found that her lies are continuing but that having an edge in knowing to some extent WHAT lies are being told is making my path easier to see. Plan A is not about being a doormat as many good people here have pointed out to me.

I have set a target date for somewhere just before the holidays for absolute No Contact in this whole horrid thing. If I am not convinced by then that her partner in adultery is history then I WILL be. I want to make my marriage work and want to keep my wife more than anything else in this world. But I will NOT continue being taken for a fool or allow myself to go back to sleep.

The articles that helped me most in this area were 'The Love Bank', 'Love Busters', and 'Plan A/Plan B'. I have read them all over and over. I actually didn't understand Plan A completely until just recently despite my 7 week journey in hell and I think telling someone that you know them for a liar is a definate love buster.

Hang in there bro. Plan A is working for me (I think). You and I are in a similar boat and maybe we can help each other row. I'm adding you to my prayer list.

CD, She hasn't been acting too mad last night and today. Either that or she is doing a good job of hiding it. She has mentioned leaving tonight. Not for good, just her usual stick me with the kids while she stays out till morning and then complains of being "tired". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But, I started another thread about how I am going to deal with that.

I also have set my deadline for the holidays. My birthday is 11/23 so I was thinking about then. I know Christmas would be hard, but it would be harder with this bullsh**t still going on.

I think I can make it. I really do think of her as sick. Like she needs help. Or maybe Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

We'll get throught this CD, you'll see.