For the past couple months, I've been mentally separating myself from WH. We've been in what SH calls a pre-Plan B where WH doesn't bother to contact anybody in the family for long periods of time. Like most of the month of May. If you've seen my story, you know what I mean.

In June,the month of the family reunions, I worked hard on defining boundaries. I did not ask him to my family's reunion nor did he seem to wish to see anybody who came for it. He's known my siblings for nearly 30 years. You'd think he'd have some interest. I was going to drive my kids to his family's to-do about 12 hours away but refused to go with him. Actually, I said if he did a couple sessions with SH, I'd consider it. My inlaws were worried about the kids and I driving alone and suggested we stay home. We did and it was a relief. WH was too busy with work to attend.

In this midst of all these activities, my birthday happened. WH managed a phone message. I told myself it was okay. That that's the way things are. You don't expect presents or sincere greetings from WHs.

Cut to Tuesday. I TM-ed him to see if he was going on a business trip this week. Duh, it would be good if somebody knew where he was. WH TM-ed back and asked if I wanted to go out. Shockingly, he initiated it. What a surprise. Seriously.

So, last night we went out. He took me to dinner. It was late by the time he got out of work so it was more like nibbles and beer. He gave me presents. There was a thoughtful, well-chosen card. There was a CD from a singer I like who has a new recording I didn't know about. And he gave me an I-Pod. I've wanted an I-Pod for sometime. The dinner was pleasant. There was very little relationship talk. I didn't even ask about OW.

Today, he emailed me and said he hoped I was enjoying my presents. (I will when I figure it all out!) He has said he will have a session with SH as soon as his workload lightens up a bit. It's at the insane stage now. Yes, work boundaries are a big issue in our marriage.

It seems cautiously hopeful. So, MB-ers, ya think he's stringing me along or some progress is being made?

Oh yeah, when he picked me up and dropped me off, he never came in and spoke to the kids. Is that weird or what? The man is an enigma.

Quote - "The man is an enigma."

I've got one of those too! I don't think you should even try to figure it all out but I'm glad you got a nice gift and had a comfortable evening. I'm curious - was there any awkwardness between the two of you?

It could be a fleeting break in the fog. It sounds like you did a good job letting your light shine when it happened. Who knows when the next one will come along?

Enjoy the moment, grapegirl. Don't try to figure it out. Just wait and see if it happens again.

~ Snow

I think it's perfect...because I think his actions like this will leave him even more confused and reeling when you do go to plan a....and I grapegirl believe that you will need to go to plan B for your husband will continue to search for that status quo place of his fringe family living.....

In plan b it will be his decision how to adjust those work boundaries that impede a call to his own children...etc etc etc....

progress is definitly being made...

Independance day is looming...just don't roll out carrie underwoods version if I never hear her sing that again i will be fine........

ARK^^

Oh, I think you handled it all magnificently, and I think it is very hopeful. GOOD GIRL!!!

Hang in there and keep your chin up. The man is nuts if he lets you slip away. I've noticed.

love,
Swords

This definately could be a very good sign. About a month before my FWH asked to move back home, he showed up at the house with a brand new $500 vacuum. I know not very romatic, but the week before while we were talking I mentioned that our current vacuum wasn't doing the best job picking up all the animal hair. Next thing you know I have a new vacuum specially designed for animal hair. It showed he was listening and trying to find something nice to do for me. At the time, I took it and said thank you and did nothing more. It was actually part of a series of gifts he started giving me before he worked up the courage to ask to come home.

So enjoy the gifts and see what happens next!

grapegirl..
I hope we are on the same page that this man will need to really earn his way back in to the FAMILY...

my fears are that he will use you as the one to gloss over his destructive abandonement of the children as in if you accept him...especially back in the home then the kids will have to as well...and he will never have to deal with their emotions over this issue...

I think you are dong a great plan a..
I think also that he will want to come home...my fear is that he wants things the way they were...you manage EVERYTHING...keep him in the loop and then let him off and out of most things becasue of work...as long as you cover for him....

what do YOU think!!!

ARK

At the very least, this was a good Plan A event. To have these will continue to cause problems for him in the fog. You did well!

You may indeed have to go to a full Plan B. Actually, this event may be evidence that Plan B will be what you need to get him to step out of the fog. Your mini-Plan B was causing him discomfort and he was missing you. So he got his fix. That's fine. A few more fixes, and he will be fully hooked.

Then Plan B comes, and you take the GG-drug away. And he will be in great pain.

I think this was a good sign. But only a beginning. A lot of work left to do!!

In His arms.

I've worried about the "forgive and forget" thing a lot.

Last week, I was with my sister and her H. They've been married as long as we have. Repeat exposure to this man has confirmed my bad opinions of him. During our family reunion, I believe he was one of the reason my sister sorta segregated herself from the rest of us. All the siblings except her would be in a room talking and laughing while she'd be in her room with her family (her kids are DS20 and DD15). When she and her family came to my house, BIL was on good behavior for a while. He managed not to ask just how long certain things had been in my fridge or sneer at our clutter. He even fixed a few things that needed it. By Sunday, he'd run out of politeness. We had 4 kids, S, BIL and my mom at the house. I knew BIL wanted to leave Sunday for the long drive home but nobody else did. So, he decided to punished my sister. He had a headache and a backache. He sat on the couch like a big silent lump all day long, just staring straight ahead. Later, he told me I should check the warranty on my windows. In the early evening, the "girls" went to a going away party for a friend of mine. Nice, large party: good food, music, hula dancing and a pool for the kids. My poor sister was so tightly wound I thought she'd pop. She didn't seem able to enjoy herself. There was this air about her that she should be back at the house packing and getting ready to leave, like nobody but her could do it. She was paying for her stand to spend another day with us. It was painful to watch.

My WH had done similar things. Chances are he would have done a hit-and-run appearance at the reunion if we'd been together for it. He'd have skipped most of it anyway or held himself apart. This week, when I met with WH for dinner, I made a point of telling him about how BIL had acted. I DO NOT WANT THAT KIND OF LIFE AGAIN!

I was talking to my mom about it. My dad did controlling things like that. Mom just mumbled that "you get use to it" My oldest brother's wife seems like that. I believe acceptance of this is something our parents' taught us. We learned not to ask for enough. However, my other 3 brothers have great wives and good marriages. Of course, not perfect but pretty darn good. No control issues, no games, no tantrums. Those SILs all had parents with good marriages and learned good relationship skills. Seeing couples like that up-close-and-personal, is an eyeopener.

I don't want my kids to think this is how marriage is. I don't want the sins of the parent visited upon the children. I want us to have reached the 7th generation and be done with it. We can learn to have balanced marriages.

Oh yeah...WH is really going to have to earn his way back.

TT, it was a fairly comfortable evening. We got together rather late because he had a work call to Singapore. Dang you people in the Far East! Evening here is morning there and the perfect time for business calls.

I am the one who brings up the difficult issues. WH would prefer to believe that everything is wonderful except for the fact that he has a girlfriend, is a slave to his job and doesn't talk to his children for weeks. Apparently, we go into some kind of hibernation chamber when he's not around. If nobody points out the elephant living in the house, it clearly doesn't exist.

i just couldn't be bothered to bring anything up during our dinner. I feel like I've got one foot out the door sometimes...

Kloe72: Should I beware of geeks bearing gifts?

I wouldn't waste one more minute worrying about it. Take the gifts and enjoy them. He might think he's buying your good graces but you know better.

Men tend to compartmentalize. For him, it *is* almost like you are in hibernation when you aren't with him.
I read somewhere that men's lives are like waffles: there are little compartments for each part of his life. That is why having a girlfriend is possible for him...when he is with you, she is put in a little box. When he is with her, you are in a little box. At work, everyone else is in a little box.
Women's lives are like spaghetti. Each strand of their lives interacts with the other. So you worry about how your husband affects the kids, how his work affects you, how....

wannabophim,
now you made me hungry with all the waffle and spaghetti references.