Well... my talk with my wife on thursday left me with more uncertainty than anything else. Quick update: she is still in affair high, she moved into apt 5 1/2 wks ago, and affair is about 12 weeks old. We split time with almost 3 yr old daughter. I started a thread earlier about chemistry/spark/"in love" passion to find out more about what my wife still says is the "only reason" not to give us a chance.<BR>I had known my wife before we got married thru mutual friends and we became friends (I was attracted to her when we remet in '90)and became good friends who spoke on the phone quite a few times in '90/91. At that time she was on west coast, me in the midwest, and she told me romantic relationship was not what she wanted with me.<BR>When she moved back in '92, we hung out stayed really good friends, and after she went thru some personal stuff (family/old boyfriend) finally said she would start to date and consider us a romantic couple in May, 1993. We never had (at least on her part) that initial strong intense chemistry, sexual desire, or that high of when you first<BR>get together with someone. Even though we lived together for 2 yrs before marriage, and now 4 yrs married, our physical/intimacy has never been consistently good. Wife never initiated much and never much in the mood. I now see some of the problems Dr Harley talks about as far as emotional needs not being met to increase sexual desire and even my selfishness (2-3 times a mth just for me after asking) might have led to sexual aversion. <BR>We both rationalized the problem as religious guilt before marriage, then just when it was getting better (6 mths after wedding) we got pregnant and 1 1/2 yrs later we tried to pickup that intimacy and it was still difficult for her. So now I am left wondering if she has a valid point, when she says she never felt that 'in love' feeling before our wedding and now understands she never did during our marriage. She loves me and cares for me but not in the marriage way is what she says. I know that some of this is her affair talking, but she and I had discussed some of these issues before the affair.<BR>I asked why she got married? She said she loved me, I am a great stable/nice/solid man, would be good father, good husband, and at that time the passion aspect was not a priority for her. Now, for the moment none of that is enough. Weird, I think I understand that need for passion/desire she is experiencing...it makes me want to seek it for myself. Not sure I can continue these plans (a/b). There is so much pain, time needing to wait, and more withdrawal, recovery phases.<BR>I spoke with Dr Chalmers yesterday. She still gave me encouragement and more food for thought. Like my wife has a high romantic lovebank threshold and I never quite met that even though we got married. She said it still requires lots of time to wait for affair to cool and die. Still talked about the 2 yrs timeframe. Wow...I don't know if I can wait that long. She did say alot of men don't wait and would understand if I decided to move on. Still my choice..I know I rambled, I am still considering plan A til the end of the year (Doc said holidays could help wife see some reality)and then plan B. Any thoughts on my rambling would be appreciated. <p>[This message has been edited by izzy (edited September 25, 1999).]

Izzy,<BR>I don't have any advice for you. Except hang on and don't give up. ( Don't pull a Rutger ) I just started wearing my wedding ring again to remind me of my commitment to my W and our marriage..... The only reason I took it off in the first place was because she took hers off.<P>I am feeling better about myself and I know you will too. It does take some time and some more mistakes. Right now ust be patient ( easy to say hard to do ) and let some time pass. As long as you know what you want keep at it.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

thanks for your support rutger, I have been wearing my ring all along, it makes me feel married, stay away from temptations and also I feel it shows my wife that I am serious about waiting. I am still looking for more thoughts on this "in love" feeling most relationships have in the beginning. How important is it later in as the marriage progresses?

The wedding ring...I didn't wear mine for a couple weeks after my H said the marriage was over. Then when we were getting ready to go on vacation I picked them them up and was holding them in my the palm of my hand, my H walked in. I said, "What should I do with these." (Stupid, odd question, I know.) He said, "Wear them." I wore them during the vacation. This morning getting ready to go to work I didn't put them on, with a rather ulterior motive as I'll probably run into a man I know...<P>Thanks to you guys, I'll go put them on. After all, I'm still married and wanting to stay that way.<P>As for "in love" Izzy. My H says he loves me, desires me, finds me irresitable (well, not last night) but he can't live with me. To have an affair, most of our spouses convince themselves that there is something wrong with us, I think in some cases they convince themselves so thoroughly that it nearly takes a miracle to undo. And until that happens, they can love us as a good spouse, great parent, friend, lover, but they don't feel the "spark". Also with having been married or together for some time, that spark doesn't hit us every time we see each other because of the familiarity of daily life.<P>As Rutger said, hang in there.

Izzy-hang in there. When my husband was "confused" about this situation I think the one thing I did do right was the only thing I ever felt like doing. I wanted to stay married and I made that very clear, I was not the confused one, I knew what was the best thing for both of us and I stuck to my guns. Sometimes I believe the confused person is the one who is looking for us to stand up and say, "Look, here I am, waiting for you, and I will be here until you decide to come to your senses!" He finally began to realize that nothing was going to remove me from his life, even if he went with her he would still have to see me. I am a good mother, a great lover, and a best friend. I am the best thing that ever came into his life and he needed time to realize it, just like your wife has to learn how devoted to her you are and how much, even in all her confusion, she really does love you. I salute you! Good Luck and God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

izzy, <P>I know where you are coming from, but I would encourage you to not give up hope. I have known my wife for over 20 years now and to be perfectly honest, we didn't have that "in love" passionate gukey feeling either. We weren't the rabbits that some folks in this forum seem to be (i.e. 3+ times/week or more). I am the same solid man that your wife refers to you as. My wife also wanted that passionate in love feeling too. <P>Well, I believe that can be learned primarily through meeting needs and giving abundantly. I didn't know about this needs stuff until recently. I wish I had. It makes so much sense. I am finding it to be true in my own life as well.<P>My wife is responding to me and my efforts very well. It has taken a long, long time, but it is happening. Your wife can be the same way too. It takes a decision on her part though, and effort on yours, but passion can be ignited even after many years of marriage. We still aren't rabbits, don't know if we ever really will be but we are together again and frequency is much better than at any other point in our marriage. I understand women have more desire as they get older so my fingers are crossed.<P>Hold to hope izzy, it can work out for you and your wife.<P>SHA