Seems to be quite a few posts lately about people exposing affairs and people experiencing the fallout of that exposure.

There's a poster on the EN board (perfectgirl) who is very upset that her H has told quite a few people about her affair. Initially, I took the position that she was suffering the consequences of her actions...that he was justified. Most other posters responded in a similar manner.

However, it got me to thinking about how my OW's H behaved and how there is a fine, fuzzy line between justified exposure to end an affair and striking back at your WS.

For example, my ex-OW's H made a point of sharing intimate details of the affair with anyone who would listen. Their dentist, barber, and the grocery store checkout girl knew details about sexual encounters.

I'm sure he was angry, rightfully so, but his "exposure" went way beyond letting people know that an affair had happened.

Perfectgirl didn't share too many details about what and how her husband is "exposing". It could very well be that it IS his intent to humiliate and strike back.

This is never necessary for a repentant WS. It is not clear if perfectgirl has ended her affair, so exposure my very well be necessary, but I do think there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.

An any communication to a third party to expose should be devoid of disrespectful judgments. It should be nothing more than a statement that an affair is happening and you want to save your marriage. Details are not necessary.

I too live in a small community. The covert smiles, giggles and whispers used to be very hard to take. These days, I think it's harder on my W than it is me. There is a tremendous temptation to pull up stakes and start over elsewhere.

So, my point is that exposure is a powerful tool that can be used for both good...and evil. It is the wise BS who knows the difference.

There's a difference between telling someone who has influence on your WS, that your spouse is cheating on you, that you want to save your marriage and that you appreciate their prayers, and telling the gory details to people who have no influence on the marriage.

That's where the line is and it's clearly marked by the clarity of intention - whether it's to save the marriage or destroy the WS.

LowOrbit -

I think it depends on the situation. I gave my WH a chance to be truthful before exposing the affair to anyone. Then I waited several months.

He, on the other hand, continued to lie to everyone at our workplace, everyone in our neighborhood, all of our kids, his relatives, people at our church, motorcycle group, our attorney, and counselor. He maintained that he was trying to save the marriage.

Even when confronted with the hotel bills in the middle of the day when he was supposed to be working, he denied.

When I caught him in bed with the OW, I did expose him to his family - except for the kids - and many others. I think I left out the buthcher and baker though.

I think exposure has to escalate as the WS's actions escalate.

But I didn't make any LB's or DJ's when I caught them in the sack. He had just stood up in church that morning and asked everyone for prayers for our marriage - said we were struggling. So I meerly knocked on the bedroom door and said "WH - This is your wife - you wanted to work on reconciliation - well, here I am."

LO. I agree.

So good that you are here...

LowOrbit,

The only person I exposed to was W's dentist - and that was because she went and signed up for $4000 worth of cosmetic dental work - while telling me she wanted a D. I just told him that we were getting D'ed, that there was another man involved - and that I loved my wife and didn't want to embarrass her, but I didn't want to pay for those procedures. I knew him (not as his patient) before we were married, and he actually did some free work on my wife before we were married - as a favor to me. Anyway, he said he would wipe it off the books.

W totally freaked - cried and cried. She's still angry about it. Now, she goes to a different dentest, but... she still took our daughter to him, because she think's he's the best dentist for children - and she didn't want to be accused of choosing a second-best for our daughter.

Exposure is painful, but so is dentistry - and both might be good for a person in the long run.

Oh and I also called the plastic surgeon she was planning to spend about $16K with - and told them not about the A, but simply that we were getting D'ed and I would not be responsible for W's bills. They understood the part about no $$$. Probably, they thought I was a jerk, but they didn't do any work on her - which was a good thing, because I think she would have been emotionally traumatized by a nose job. She has a hard enough time figuring out who she is without looking in the mirror and seeing the unexpected. She figured that out on her own after the possibility was removed.

-AD

Of course, hindsights's always 20/20, but do you think it was necessary to tell this dentist why you were getting divorced? If you were, in fact, getting divorced, then you were not exposing to save your marriage, but to interfere with her actions. I can think of no reason that you should've shared about her affair. I understand her anger about this.

This is my point. Exposure does, in fact, do damage. Sort of like amputating a limb to save the patient. But what if the doctor takes off too much? Wouldn't you be upset about it?

Given the trauma she subjected you to, I would hope she can find enough grace in her heart to let this go. After all, when we're in the midst of such emotional trauma it's hard enough to stay sane, much less do everything right.

Low

I recently did the "Plan A" exposure thing. I think I did it in a very respectful way and DEFINATLY only told things that I knew to be true. I only told people that I thought had an influence on WW too. I did not go into sexual details or anything.
BUT WW is still really mad about that. So, even if you do a great job, expect your spouse to be upset.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />..... in a perfect world .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Sometimes, the "exposure" occurs during the fury following discovery that your spouse has been caught lying to you and spending your children's college money .... not to mention screwing around.

This is one of the most painful times a betrayed spouse ever experiences ... and the madness and rage sometimes overtakes common sense ... Like a wounded animal, the recently betrayed spouse might bite and scratch and snarl meanly.

It happends. It's a form of passioate blind rage.

Disrespectful judgements aren't as permanent as some other things that an affair might cause. Like out-of-wedlock children, STDs, financial ruin, lawsuits, divorce, abandonment of children ..... stuff like that.

I agree, MB-type exposure is a good thing ...
However, if there are some DJs let loose during exposure, that can be overcome in time. It's not usually a controlled environment right after D-Day.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey LO,

Forgive me if I note that you are harvesting sour grapes right now - which you planted. You are whineing, LO, and it doesn't wear well on you.

The thing that really pushed me over the edge, so that I wanted the D, was having my W talking D - and at the same time signing up for $20K worth of cosmetic improvements at my expense - to fix herself up for OM. That was when I took her off my (previously joint) bank accounts - and removed all checkbooks from the house.

I exposed to the dentist because I wanted to get out of a $4000 obligation. He already had some expenses - impressions and x-rays. He was my friend and I felt that I owed him an explanation.

I didn't expose the A to the plastic surgeon because I didn't know him and he hadn't done anything much yet. I just told him we were getting D'ed and I would not be paying for any procedures which W undertook.

Honestly, I think much much more exposure might have helped in my case.

I have no problem with a BS who exposes to anybody and everybody to whatever extent he or she feels comfortable. He or she is a victim and has no more reason to be ashamed of it than does a rape victim.

The court of public opinion may be the only court that cares about infidelity these days.

-AD

Of course exposure does damage. However though I don't see why AD should be stuck with bills he shouldn't have to be paying for. 4k plus the 16k is 20k worth of bills. Not fun to pay off. AD didn't say don't do it just I don't want to have to pay the bill give the bill to my wife.

Damn right AD was trying to interfere with her actions ... of spending family funds for cosmetic proceedures she wanted AD to pay for as she was planning to divorce him.

AD was definately not "marriage building" with that exposure , you're 100% correct. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He was plugging a money leak! .... and it worked for that purpose ... but was definately not "marriage building" motivated. So what?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh, AD...you don't know me very well. I'm one of the few FWS's here who, for the most part, have come to terms with myself. There's nothing sour here and no whining.

Your following statement is telling...



You believe it's ok to punish your spouse with exposure if it makes you feel better. I can understand that.

What it won't do is help rebuild marriages...and that's what we're all about here, right?

Low,

You understand her anger about this, because you still want to be "the good guy" even though you dragged your wife through h*ll.

You sound like you are still a WS. I don't think you get it yet.

-AD

AD ... Low does get it ... and has for a long time.

Pep

Low,

Until the WS becomes broken and contrite - until their pride is abandoned, there can be no real recovery. Allowing a WS to pretend that they didn't do anything wrong is a recipe for more of the same.

That's my view - after a number of false recoveries.

-AD

Low ... AD did not expose "to punish" his wife ... he never said that, or implied that.

You're mistaken.

Pep

Low,

Exposure never made me "feel better".

Saving the marriage is not what we are all about here. Building real, honest, sincere marriages is what we are about here. Pretending that nobody did anything wrong is not in the best interest of that goal. Neither is namecalling and unrelenting humiliation. There is a middle way. WS pride must die. BS bitterness must disolve. Forgiveness must come. But that is the end, not the beginning. Trying to skip honest exposure denies the couple the real honest marriage downstream. I wish I had done it more completly and earlier - much earlier. If I had, I might have saved my marriage - and I mean really saved it.

I'll stop now. This is your thread - and I don't think either of us is going to change our opinions. Thanks for letting me air mine.

-AD

Pep, Pep, Pep...Why so angry lately?

This IS a marriage building website. Therefore, shouldn't we look at and evaluate those behaviors that don't work towards that end?

I don't know AD or his W. It just sounded to me like he went further than he really had to. Rather than acknowledge that, it sounds like we're cheering him on. Something seems wrong with this picture. I agree with what he did in the case of the plastic surgeon. Sharing details about the affair with these people wouldn't have been necessary. I also understand what he says about the dentist being a friend. That is even more understandable.

Of course people lash out in a blind rage. People do a lot fo WRONG things for a lot of reasons. It doesn't make them any less damaging. Once we get to a point where we can recognize the damage we've done, shouldn't we be apologetic? Shouldn't we want to make amends?

It doesn't help anyone for a BS to take the position that it's ok to hurt the WS because of what they have done. I certainly do not ascribe to "eye for an eye".

I'm often amazed by the fact that many WS's expect their BS to behave with superhuman control, fairness and kindness - and ususally expect that at a time when the WS is behaving with none of those attributes, and when the BS is burning up with pain, fear and shock.

Not all WS's do this, but it's so frequent that it's almost predictable. Why? Why are expectations set so high for the BS, when the WS has behaved (and in many cases is continuing to behave) so poorly?

Where is the compassion for the BS? Was the lack of compassion one of the factors that lead to the A in the first place?

In a time of extreme stress, it's often difficult to tell whether a decision is rational or vindictive. In the case of exposure, the decision is particularly difficult to judge - because the fact is that you're doing it for manipulative reasons (normally a bad reason for doing anything). You're often going against your normal healthy self-restraint, and once you're outside those standards, you're exposed to all your hot, hate-filled emotions - it is incredibly hard to assess whether what you're doing is for the long-term good of your family, or whether it's simply an attempt to hurt.

And each situation has its own peculiar dynamics. A single, targetted exposure might be all that's need in one situation, where it may take a weight of shame to knock another WS into sense.

TogetherAlone

Low ... I'm sorry if I give the impression I am angry. I assure you, this is not the case. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I do have an awful lot of energy lately ... and perhaps this comes off as something else on the written page. Sorry.

I agree with your principle ... and want to add that the pragmatic on-the-spot decisions one has to make about exposure are not always going to follow the MB guidelines.

And , BS need not beat ~themselves up~ if they do things like throw out a DJ or 2 at times. It happends.

I understand your point, and agree with it. BS's make many mistakes ... and that's OK, and forgivable.

Pep