OK So we are just beginning the divorce process. Her Lawyer sent me a letter asking for my Financial information! Uggh.

After almost 22 years of marriage my wife basically says she is suffocating and our entire 22 year marriage has been bad! We have 4 kids all good (but one of our daughters we have had problems with..drugs, crash car, drop out of school etc.) We never put a framework in place for raising kids or boundaries in our marriage. As a result I would get frustrated and isolated that I was the only one working on family (daughter issues or when son shoplifted) and our marriage and say I 'wanted out' but never act on it.(this scared her) Well she has now taken action! Now I am destroyed and need advice.

She has new friends from a new job I don’t care for that support her in this.
She has a tattoo and tanning and other MLC hints.
She feels the need to move on while she still is young enough (42)

My part in this was too much time at work to enable our buying the houses and cars and material things. I also had the outbursts and controlling behavior at times. The lack of intimacy and anger is a deadly combination. I know the triggers of this behavior and have eliminated it. She has seen the results of my Therapy and acknowledges progress but fails to believe.

I feel that the combination of my outbursts, her new divorced friends, daughter issues and my wife's inability to use her therapist to challenge her for her own immaturity and acts all collided to put us down the path of ending this!

I want to fix this and stay together… For the sake of our love and kids I feel it is worth it and sends our kids a great message if we work through this; she feels too much hurt to forgive and in a pattern for her is running from the problem. She ran from home to marry me (mistake as we were young but this is not our issue), ran from finishing various degrees, ran from various jobs when they became hard (even though they were only part time). I just want her to wake up and see it took TWO of us to create this and two of us working together can fix this and have the life we both want -- removing the loneliness.

What do you think? The more I try to talk or work on this the more she pulls away as in the tough love scenario. How can I stop this steamroller from moving so fast?

Is this a lost cause? We have a hard time talking now because she uses anger to fuel her ability to do this quickly. I have written letters and notes and she feels it is brainwashing. I am at my wits end. Do I support this divorce. I have reduced my love busters and aksed for forgiveness. I have also asked her to look inward. No luck so far. No known affairs but I guess the analogy is I am in Plan B?

This has moved so quickly and I just wish we could slow down and try and reconnect. I have had significant success with me and IC, and my relationships with my kids is wonderful, even with the daughter we had trouble with it is dramtically improved. But as a family we are in danger due to this pending divorce that may happen in a very short time frame.

Are you certain there isn't another man? I would do a little checking, especially at her job.

Also drag your feet on the divorce. Keep telling her you want your family to remain intact.

And remain in Plan A.

How do you drag your feet on a divorce -- attorney controls the process!?

I am not certain there is not another man, there are hints but I have access to her phone records and computer usage and nothing obvious. At work I lose the ability to track what she does.

I don't know what state you live in, but some states require counseling, a parenting plan, etc.

What kind of hints are there that there is another man?

For me, there are red flags. It is unusual for a married woman with kids to suddenly want a divorce - and a divorce in a big hurry. Usually that means there is another person around somewhere. I would guess at her work.

I live in massachusetts. Well i agree this is probably at work if at all. but no proof exists except the quickness of this and the i love yo but not in love with you statement. Liek I said i did a lot of LBs in the past but we always seemed ok and pretty good. Now with the 22 bad years FOG i think there is another man but no proof. I look at cell phone and computer but nothing obvious.

Oh no, not the I love you but not in love with you drivel. That is a classic line here - probably the most popular in the WS manual.

I would do more investigating. Because if there is an affair going on, it is necessary to expose it to end it.

By the way, you should be firmly in Plan A right now. No disrespectful judgements, yelling, anger, etc.

You might be able to put a recorder in her car, put a hidden recorder on the home phone, and a keylogger on the computer. Also a GPS in her car is a good idea.

All of this costs money, but on the otherhand, so does divorce and child support. I would hate for you to get divorced and later find out the cause was a sleazy affair.

I really tried connecting with my wife. She seemed responsive at times and showed confusion. I think her wall around her heart is so thick that she cannot see a road back to us being together. That combined with things moving so fast she sees herswelf away from all this pain and in her new house.

How do I rekindle her feelings and break thru that wall before it is too late? Make her believe I love her and it is not due to her leaving that I am working so hard. She sees it as continued control and selfishness and not sincere. Help!!!!

Also it appears consensus is there might be an affair - any suggestions on a GPS and Recorder to buy?