I went to K-Mart today with my daughter.

I forgot something in my car, turn to walk out to go back, and this tall (from what I saw) handsome guy says hello to me.

What do I do, FREEZE!!!!!
Didn't say a word!

Now, he could be just being friendly, OR......

But, I blew it, completely.

Part of me froze because my daugther was with me, but the bigger part is, I'm not comfortable around men. Plain and simple. I freeze around them.

Any tips on how to loosen up??

Karona

No, you're not pathetic. Just smile. Sometimes a smile from a fellow human, male or female, is just that, a smile.

I sometimes find myself looking at men differently than I did before my pending divorce. Are they cute? Do they have a nice smile? Am I drawn to them? Sometimes I look for a wife in tow or children & even enter into a little fantasy. All healthy looking around at who we are attracted to & who may look at us the same way IMO.

Do try to avoid the deer in the head lights look. It rarely looks good on anyone.

Perhaps there is a guy in your hometown - a tall, good looking fellow who was in the K-Mart parking lot walking behind a couple of women, when one of the girls turned and faced him. He was quite surprised by this "BABE" who was with her younger sister. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Upon her turning to face him - all he could do was react and say "Hello" before he froze up, not knowing what else to say or do. Before he knew it, she was gone. And all he could think about was: "I just blew it, completely". He wishes he was more comfortable around women and wishes there was something he could do to "loosen up" a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I would tell him to keep going out in public and just be around women. (Movies, restaurant, mall, K-MART parking lot, etc.) The nervousness will ease and his confidence level will rise. What he's actually doing, is "acting" his way back into being comfortable. By repetition. It works - and faster than you think. I'm a living example. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck K, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

OH Fishracer, where are you???? You are so kind! I mean that!

He probably was just a friendly guy, just saying hi! But, it would be nice to "think" that maybe......my luck, his wife was waiting in the car!

But, hey, I'll eat that "babe" compliment up! and being the sister of my 11 year old! I'll take that one too!!
She is a carbon copy of me, but, much to my dismay, I have to own up to being her mom!! But that's okay too, I'm very proud of her!!!

Nams, I will avoid the look!!! He probably thought I was a town snob!!

Karona

I smile at women all the time, and if they smile back I usually say hi. Uh oh! Is that flirting? Who'd thunk it! And I thought I didn't know how to do it.

Oh yeah, if they say hi back... then I run away! (Not quite there yet... still working on ironing out a few problems...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Karona....I think what you are feeling is very normal. I have found that I'm not that comfortable around men anymore either. I guess in the back of my mind I'm thinking they aren't trust worthy and they will all do the same thing. I know this isn't true but I can't help but thinking that. I guess one day when the right one comes along it will be different. Good luck and just smile next time. :-)

Well, I guess that's it, the guys struggle with the same things!

Thanks for sharing!!

We have come full circle. Right back to the junior high years!

Karona

I think your right TR.

I think I think the same things.

I always wonder if they are married and flirting.

Karona

FR & Miker, you two are so sweet! Thank you for showing us that men struggle with the same feelings we do. How wonderful you recognize it & can talk about it. I'm not at all used to that quality in men & it is great to know men can be so open & expressive.

FR the comment about sisters is also lovely but...could be a little creepy in an under age sort of way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Karona, how sad to see a nice smile from a man & wonder if he's married & flirting.

One reason the deer in the head lights look is unattractive to me is because I see on my stbx so often in what seems to me normal conversation. It seems that if we speak for any length of time he develops that look. Maybe I should feel sorry for him due to that, maybe some day I will.

K, you could do what my friend did. She had something similar in the A&P parking lot, but they both said Hi back and kept looking at each other.
As she drove away she wondered.
Then she went to A&P every day for a month, and never ran into him again ;(

If you want to meet strangers in public places, you need a plan. Just saying hi, and oh btw are you married and what is your phone #, is just not really gonna work well (although it could). ALL dating requires understanding of your objective, and a strategy to accomplish it. In this scenario one "tool", would be to have some kind of business card with a throwaway telephone number (and disposable email addy), you could hand people. Of course still have to come up with a "story"..hi, (brief chitchat), btw I have a local xyz business if you or your "wife" (finds out if they are married...well, maybe finds out) are interested give me a call. If they say oh, I am not married, you get to say me neither, and that vital pre-requisite is taken care of right away. Of course have to be creative about your "business", and have to initiate some kind of conversation...hi, what do you think of this weather..boy sure is hot, cold, wet...you get the picture, you need some lines to open up a "brief" conversation opportunity. Males pursue, this is all they need, if the initial contact "triggers" interest. For a male in this position, is a little harder, cause female is less likely to call you back, but they might.

nams:


Thanks. In my case, it's really more about brutal honesty than being "sweet" (ugh, please - anything but the "s" word. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). Open & expressive is easy when you're not hiding anything and I feel both qualities are not gender-specific and vital to a good relationship.


nams! I had no idea the age of K's daughter and was just being gracious and perhaps a little light-hearted. Your thought never entered my mind. And although there are definitely creeps out there - I'm in hopes that our skepticism in others never reaches a depth that causes us to have these thoughts about everyone.

As to whether K-Mart man was married or not - I hope not, but for that particular encounter, it doesn't really matter. I'm a friendly man and would often say hello to women with no ulterior motive. (And I never considered straying outside my M.)

Also; it's important that we do not hold onto the skepticism-issues surrounding our previous adulterous marriages. It really is totally unfair and very unhealthy.

FR

Hi FR, I meant sweet in the best possible way, not in the you've just been down graded to friend status. For me sweet is a very caring characteristic that can encompass all kinds of great qualities.

I'm sorry if I offended you with the daughter comment. It was a joke that I see now was probably not in the best of taste. I know you meant only good things & I now know I shouldn't joke about such a creepy topic. Just not funny. I thought the rasberry face would keep it light. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hey nams:

No problem. I'm still learning what these little faces mean. If you saw me click on each to see what they are - you'd probably laugh out loud. Also, I suppose we're all a bit emotionally protective about our kids given that they are the truly innocent ones in our family matters.

No harm, no foul. We're good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now for a serious question: I've heard that the coast of CT is extraordinary. As I am quite the ocean-lover and nearing "Old Salt" status; please give me the straight scoop on your beaches. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks.

FR

Also; it's important that we do not hold onto the skepticism-issues surrounding our previous adulterous marriages. It really is totally unfair and very unhealthy.

FR [/quote]

You are indeed correct on this one FR.
I do need to let go of some baggage on this issue.
I need to realize that every man is not my x and that every man will not behave in that manner.

Thanks for the TIP!

Karona

Hi FR,

The beaches in CT aren't fantastic, but R.I. has great ocean beaches. The problem with CT is many beaches are town owned or private & either off limits or can be pricey. Have you heard of Mystic Seaport? It's not a beach but it's a fun place to visit. Are you thinking of a trip to CT?

I find these new icons creepy & a little sinister. The last 3 are from the old board & I think they are the clearest to understand.

I suppose I'm an old salt because I was raised on boats. I prefer small boats because I get sea sick on larger ones & the fuss factor is less. Boating is an expensive hobby & requires lots of prep work to get out there & enjoy, but it seems the people who love it are committed no matter what.

Absolutely! The "expectations" are a bit different for men and women but I think I can safely say we are both as equally inept at trying to figure out this whole "game" after being sidelined for so long. I was so young when I last played the game, I'm beginning to think someone changed all the rules and forgot to tell me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cheers,

Miker

Why thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm not sure I'm completely ready to jump into this "world" full throttle yet but it is something I think (read - worry!) about a lot.

I find this board absolutely refreshing and very in sync with my current mindset. Everyone on here seems to be struggling with a lot of the same issues I worry about and taking on things with such a great sense humour, it makes me feel a lot better about my own insecurities.

So keep on sharing! I love the stories!

Cheers,

Miker

I used to teach speech to undergrads - of which probably 90% had serious anxieties about public speaking but were afraid to admit it. The first assignment I gave them was to list their top 3 worries and turn that in. I then compiled a list to pass out of all the anxieties and how many people had reported each. What an ice breaker that was! People were SO relieved to see how long the list was, and how many other people had the same concerns they had. We were able to talk freely about the individual issues and how to deal with them after that.

Good Idea Deja!

I'm sure so many of us struggle with the same issues.

And for me, public speaking is one of my worst fears!!

K.