my post called WHAT SHOULD MY NEXT STEP BE? I was wondering what you guys think about my having more communication with my H. Or should I just be still for a bit. I want to ask him if there are any OW right now. I don't think there are but then again I never thought there were before either. I guess what I am getting at is this. My H stated to me one of his needs is openness and honesty, well that is one of mine too. In stating that I want to say to him that I will be honest about anything he may want to ask me, and I need the same from him. I then want to ask him the above question. I guess I feel I need to know because it looks like he is going to stay (although he hasn't said as much but I do not see him leaving either.) until he deploys. Which I am fine with because that gives me the next 6 months to work on his EN's that he told me that I have never met any of them. But, he knows if he stays I mean business with no other women, no lies, no secrets. But I have made this statement to him before, along the lines of, "until we know where our relationship is going, as long as we are under the same roof and have vows we do not break them" and he did anyway. I also asked him to tell me in the past, that if either one of us found someone else we would let the other know and end the marriage, not cheat. And he cheated anyway. So you see my concern here. I tell him he can stay to work on his head and I will work on me until he gets deployed and there must be no other women, etc. And he can say ok but how do I believe him? I can ask him the question I want to ask and how do I believe him if he says no? He says honesty is very important to him and yet he has lied to me to my face. So how do we work around this? How do we make openness and honesty a part of this "relationship"? Please help me with this one. I want to be able to believe him. I want to be able to talk to him about things and get the truth. How do we do this? And should I be pushing this yet? I am a talker, and I want to talk to him tonight but do not know if I should just let him be for awhile, don't want to push him away. mlhb

Unfortunately, works fail in comparison to actions - this got me into trouble with my marriage. I told my wife I would do something around the house and although I had every intention of doing it - it never happened. Soon after; I found her ignoring me when i told her I loved her - they were just words and not actions; starting the actions is what is going to bring you closure.

He can tell you whatever he wants; but until he starts proving to you through actions that he is serious about committing fully to you; you have to ask yourself if waiting through the uncertainty and the pain that accompanies it is something you can handle until the actions materialize.

Thanks for the response. I do feel, for now, that I would take the time it takes. I do not believe in divorce unless absolutely necessary, I do not take marriage lightly, and as Dr. Phil says, you have to earn your divorce. I don't think I can look in the mirror just yet and say I have done everything. This site is my final hope. These books, what I am learning, etc, is my final grasp. I am thankful to have been directed here. These are all know concepts for me. I read Dr. Phil's relationship rescue book and as much as I love Dr. Phil it wasn't cutting it for my situation. Besides the fact my H hates dr. Phil so he wasn't going to do anything he recommended anyway! This is the absolute best site of resources and help I have ever seen and I really think, no matter if my H and I work out or not, that I am learning valuable things here. Thanks, mlhb