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#1416220 06/30/05 03:56 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
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Hey, Just wanted to thank you for giving your pov on the other thread. It gave me some encouragement.

I walk a fine line because my H has specifically requested NO DETAILS, and that he doesn't want to discuss A issues, unless I absolutely feel the need to. He lets me know he is always there for me, but if I can handle my demons on my own, (and/or with a counselor), and work through them without having to come to him with every issue, he prefer I do. He says not talking about stuff so much is how he's able to put it behind him.

So, besides admittedly being a chicken$h*t, I also wonder if this particular issue is something my H would prefer I keep to myself, and work it out on my own? Is that your take?

Thanks again.

~ad

Autumn Day #1416221 06/30/05 05:43 PM
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It seems to me that if he doesn't want to know details, this is something you should keep to yourself. I think it would be very hard for him to hear.

I know in my case this A. has completely stripped me of my self esteem. I think it will be a while before I get it back. (The 2nd dday was the worst.)

Now, if you were thinking of seeing your OM, then I would say that would certainly be something to discuss w/ your H.

Otherwise, I would say to continue working on your relationship, and not hurt your H unnecessarily.

I have asked H so many questions. I have this need to know things because I am trying to understand. H is reluctant to answer at times because he knows the answers will hurt. Sometimes he'll answer and he'll say why do you keep asking me these things when you know they are going to hurt you? I think men are different then women. I keep asking the questions even though if I could put it out of my mind I would. The problem is the story I create in my head is sometimes worse than the reality.

So, I think men are able to push things to the side at times and not want to know the details. If your H doesn't ask, I wouldn't tell him. I do think you should be honest if he is asking you questions.


Married 5 years. Together almost 14 years. Age 30 DDay March 2004 OC Born June 2004 2nd Dday Feb 2005 My daughter was born 7/22/05.
Wife30 #1416222 06/30/05 08:43 PM
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Hi again, I followed you over here. An interesting discussion and I'd like to add my own two cents if you don't mind, from one man's point of view.

One of the things that keeps me mad at my wife is her continued reluctance to discuss the details of her affair with me. In my own case I want to know EVERYTHING. Remember the Ws they taught us in school? Who, What, When, Where and How, I want all the details. My wife's partner in adultery is my rival and it's hard to defeat an enemy if you don't know him. I don't know if men and women are all that different in their ability to put things out of their minds. My problem with locking away bad feelings is that then they don't GO away. They ferment and grow in the dark and poison you and maybe your relationship. I'd rather know the horrible truth than suspect that what I don't know is even worse.

Autumn, I wouldn't have any problem knowing the intimate details of my partner's past relationships. The problems occur only if that relationship isn't past. I know that I sometimes thought of women past when I was making love to someone. I didn't sweat it. Doing something enjoyable is bound to bring up thoughts of similar enjoyable moments. It never took away from the experience of the person I was with, it enhanced it. And I never worried about the thoughts of the person I was with as long as I knew she was with me. If your husband prefers not to know the details it sounds as if he's protecting himself from being hurt by thoughts of you with your OM. But does that mean he never has them? If you don't face the demon and drive him away he keeps hurting you forever.

I don't think you're being chicken$h*t if you're protecting your husband's feelings. You know him and I don't. But you say "he doesn't want to discuss A issues"? How can that be? I can't put something as hideously hurtful as my spouse's infidelity behind me without discussing the enormous issues it has raised. I wouldn't ever tell you to push an issue with someone who feels uncomfortable with it but I know that demons don't just go away, you have to drive them out.


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