Tonight sucked.

This morning I happened to run into a mutual friend of me and my wifes. I asked her questions relating to my wife who seperated from me. Particularly I asked if I should just move on etc, and if there was anything else going on in my wife's life that I should know about.

Well, about 7pm my wife called and was furious. She berated at me for talking to her friend, and said that I didn't trust her (even though she has had an EA and A). I told her calmly that I was just trying to get a 3rd point of view from someone that knew both of us and from a female perspective. She just continued to rail into me. She called me needy and said that she had already gone through her grieving period last year and that I was just now going through it. And that this breach hampered me and my wife's friendship that she was cultivating. She said that she finally made her decision and that was to divorce me. Of course, I said that I didn't want a divorce. She then started crying and was so mad she couldn't speak.

Later I went to her apartment and left her a note saying that I was sorry for disupting the trust between us and talking to her friend. I also said that we need to keep things open between us and be honest. However, I'm afraid this may come across as needy again..

Anyway, I've accepted the fact that this may have been the final straw between us. She thinks I'm too needy. Meanwhile, she goes out every night and is having fun. Part of me really just wants to call an attorney and end this thing. Either that or cut off all connection to her for awhile. I'm also wondering if the note at her apartment might have been a mistake.

So what do you think? Part of me thinks that she has just been waiting for something to come along that she could use as a way to pull out the D card. I've been really nice lately and pretty much walking on eggshells in order not to tick her off.

Did you notice her grieving last year?

Tim, one event like this never "blows it". The fate of your M is not in your hands. There are things you can do to have a little influence, but the truth is, you have very little power. Not enough to destroy all hope with one misstep. You mustn't be afraid to act, mustn't fear that the wrong choice will cause a terrible chain reaction. It's important to choose your actions wisely, but do not fear the consequences of every move you make.

Have you read any of orchid's tips on talking to your WS?

GC

I haven't read orchids tips, but I'll do a search and check them out.

I agree it's not one event that blows it. I just feel she is looking for that one event right now that will send her over the edge. She said something to the effect of like "this is why we shouldn't be married, because there is no trust between us".

I've accepted the notion that we may not get back together and I'm at peace with it. I've grieved over the past month anticipating contact with her and I'm tired and ready to live my own life. I'll wait for her to make the next move and have NC for awhile.

God bless,

I am not getting what you did wrong, Tim. You have every right to talk to your mutual friends. You have every right to get that support. Sorry if it makes your wife mad, but so be it. You shouldn't apologize for it. She is just embarrassed because her friend knows some embarrassing details and that is fine.


Well, of course you don't trust her. You would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. I would let her know that you do not trust her.

And remember... she can't trust you because you don't help her keep her dreadful behavior a secret. You can't trust her because she cheats on you.

Those are nowhere near balanced. In fact, your conversation with your friend is not a betrayal of your wife's trust AT ALL. Certainly it would be no use to tell your wife that, but it's true.

Which brings me to orchid's tips for communicating with the WS, which follow a simple formula: agree with everything they say, then turn it on its ear.

I have to go to a meeting, but let us know if you need a hand finding that thread.

GC

Thanks GC. It's nice to have your perspective on it. I can see why she would be mad in one regard because the friend and my wife are really close. I'm not as close to the friend as she is. However, I believe my wife has alot of anger and this was just one of the ways to release it. I'm trying to not let it bother me, and actually feel sorry for my wife as it seems a kind of over-the-top response. It's really hard to imagining being with her and she seems irrational in her actions and what she says. I know I may come across as needy as I've been emotional around her and but that will stop.

Ugh, any ideas on how to respond to this? I just got the following text message from her.

Wife: I am not super mad anymore really. I over reacted but I do think it was insensitive of u. We can talk about it this weekend although I would not like to fight.

My wife gets pissed any time I talk to anyone about what happened. I think it is because she knows that she did a horrible, shameful thing, and she doesn't want people to be talking about it. She is embarrassed. That's good. At least she knows she did something bad.

I was going to say that I no longer have the strength nor desire to fight with you as well.

I'm trying the reverse babble thing. Does that sound ok?