My WH and I have been separated for almost 3 months now. He moved straight in with the OW when he left.

We have pretty regular contact with each other becuase of our two children, who he comes to visit/takes out about twice a week.

I have been in plan A for about a month, but I am aware that separation in a marriage greatly increases the chances of divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'd like to open a discussion on the special circumstances of a separated plan A, whether there are any advantages at all to separation, and what a separated BS can do to make the contact they have with their WS count the most.

I'll start by suggesting that one advantage to my sitch might be that, by living together, the 'honeymoon' period might be shorter - the imperfections of WH and OW might become apparent to each other sooner.

On the other hand, they could well be developing feelings of 'attachment' for each other by living together.

Alph.

I'm in the same situation - however, I'm looking at it from another perspective.

Being away from my wife, well...more importantly her being away from me makes each meeting we have of incredible importance. When I do things that she sees or likes; it brings her back to the period when we dated; and that anticipation of seeing me again - its only been a few days and I can see it in her already. It also gives her time to sit alone and ponder how the day went, and how much fun she had while I'm not there. Alone time is a dangerous thing; but it has equal potential on both ends of the spectrum.

I think having OP around makes it a little more difficult however; and throws in a whole new element of problems.

Hi FoxOr!

Every minute together counts. I find this very intimidating. I find that I'm terrified of doing 'something wrong' to make things worse between us. b0b pure has a very useful trick for helping me through this - he tells me that I have to accept that I have already lost WH, that he can't be 'more gone' than he already is. Quite liberating, really.

I've just started taking ADs, too. I'm hoping that these will level off my emotions, and put me in a calmer place so I can do Plan A more effectively.

I'm doing very well with avoiding LB's. I can still make WH laugh at my jokes, and I always try to look my best when he is here. The hardest thing is that he never seems to notice - though the vets assure me that NOTHING goes unnoticed by the WS.

It sure is all give, give, give - with virtually no comeback for me at the moment. But at least we aren't shouting at each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That's another advantage with having kids - you have to keep it civil for their sakes.

Alph.

Yeah, unfortunately we don't have kids so there's nothing keeping us "civil". However, I agree - I find myself stuttering sometimes when I talk to her; or my voice will increase an octave because I'm absolutely terrified of saying something that will turn into an LB. Right now, its all about taking the fall for her needs however.

Even if it makes me look wrong; or if I don't agree - if it meets her EN, and I am being honest - I'll do it. Not having any power to an extent in a relationship is a really scary thing.

Its refreshing however to know that I can still make her laugh pretty much at will; and she allows me to flirt it up with her; as well as her openly grabbing my butt or doing things like that in order to get a laugh. Just knowing that she is smiling because I am around puts the pain aside for the time being and thats very important; especially when I find myself searching for confidence.

I wish my WS would grab my butt! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

As he lives with OW, and she is his 'soulmate' and the 'love of his life' (barf, gag) he feels he must be faithful to her. *sigh*

I guess I just have to keep tempting him. I kissed him on the neck a couple of weeks ago (that confused him) but no physical contact since then.

One thing I have noticed is that he stands closer to me now when we talk. Before, we would almost be on opposite sides of the room, but now he feels comfortable being closer. We stood less than a metre away from each other yesterday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I have learned not to read anything into anything, however. At least he doesn't find me repulsive, though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

With a separated plan A, you have to do it in a more 'concentrated' form. Mistakes are more costly, because everything you do in the short space of time you are together is remembered by the WS when they leave again. Then again, perhaps the good things you do are remembered more vividly, also.

Alph.

This is a good idea as a thread, Alphin!

Despite this, I believe there are basically two very different categories: separations initiated by the WS and separations initated by the BS.

In this sense, our situations are quite different. After D-Day my spouse threatened to leave three times because of my angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. He even packed his bags once. He refused to end contact to Skunkypoo, insisting they would be just good buddies and work colleagues from now on. I couldn't take it. I was suffering terribly from post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is not pretty. Just try to offer your WS an attractive alternative when you're suffering from that!... not possible IMHO.

Separation and psychopharma were necessary, and it wasn't long until I realized, a godsend.

The beauty of a separated Plan A is that I am in control of my own life again. I can dose my interaction with Prince Charming as it suits ME and my children. He is the one that has to make do with crumbs, not us. Believe me, I give him very, very tasty crumbs, but they are interspersed with a dose of reality. As pepperband says, a carrot with a stick. I can allow myself time to regenerate before giving the next tasty crumbs... I go mountainbiking, running, fun activities with the children and MIL, spend time with my friends. I'm able to concentrate on my work much better --- important because I am a free-lancer.

All in all, the separation allows me to do a really stellar Plan A. If this doesn't work, I will know that I have gone the extra mile and have done everything possible to first save myself, restore my life, and possibly my marriage. I wouldn't have been able to do as good of a job while still living together. I needed the space.

When the separation is initiated by the BS, as in your case, the BS still has much power in the situation.

As you say, you have built a life for yourself and your children. You have strength and purpose. Your WH would come back if you let him, I imagine!

When the WS leaves because they want out of the marriage, the BS has no power at all. In my case, it was out of the blue, and happened very quickly, so I had two months of picking myself up before I could formulate any plan A. By this time, I had virtually ended the marriage all on my own - crying, telling WH I wanted him out of my life completely, making him take all his stuff away etc.

As a result, things were frosty when I began plan A. We had stopped talking completely, but this is getting better now. He still never calls me, only communicates by text, but this may be because he is angry about exposure.

I want to move on, live my life as you have done, but as the 'one who was left' I am at a major disadvantage. WH doesn't want me (or so he thinks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) - I have to convince him that he does. I have to get over all the hurt and anger brought about by the act of him abandoning me, and be brave enough to ask him to do things with the family (going out, having fun) that he would probably prefer to do with OW.

He has no reason to do anything with me. He sees the children when he wants, and the OW fills his ENs. It's difficult to know what is missing from his life that I could provide.

Alph.

I don't know if I'm in a Plan A or Plan B. It seems to be moving towards a Plan B.

I have no contact with WH except thru text msgs or emails and they are all very polite and civil short straight-to-the-point discussions abt financial matters.

He was sleeping in the study and wandering in late at nite and leaving very early in the morn. But was still taking clothes from the closet in the bedroom and using the attached bathroom. It caused me to have constant panic/ anxiety attacks and I cldn't sleep well. He wasn't communicating with me at all during these 2 weeks after D-Day.

So I had to tell him to try to make a plan to find an alt place to stay because I had to build a safe place for myself and to heal. I told him I cldn't do it when he's continuing his A and still coming in and out of the house at odd hours. I felt violated. Unsafe.

He hasn't officially moved out yet. His belongings are all still here, and he's staying at a friend's place. He still answers urgent TMs, phone calls or emails.

We do not have children so there are no contact necessary for that. It's both a blessing in disguise and a curse, I guess.

This Plan A and ahalf is working better for me. I sleep better, eat better, breathe better. I move on with my life better.

I know it's a dangerous place to thread coz it just seems to get easier to deal with the longer he's away. That itself can be a scary thing.

~A

Ashley I am about where you are except I have 3 children who are constantly wondering where their father is!

We haven't officially had the separation talk, but he only comes home on Saturday, Sunday and maybe one weekday.

I still have no idea if there is a PA or what is really going on.

All I know is I want my husband back and my family to be together.

Hi, Lost.

What a terrible situation you are in. How awful to need to know so much what is going on and be faced with silence from your H.

At least my WH was kind of honest with me. He said he was leaving, and left! He told a pack of lies about why he was leaving, although I know he'd convinced himself they were truths.

Why can't they just say: "I've been having sex with someone else, I'm in love with them, and that's why I'm leaving"? Rather than making you out to be some kind of monster! Or not say anything at all - why?

I know - it's guilt. Justification. It sucks, big time.

Alph.

I think one of the most dangerous things about separation is detachment by the WS from the BS.

In my case, WH is living with OW. She is meeting all of his ENs (except for family commitment - but he gets to see his kids as often as he likes). Right up until d/day, WH was sending me cute little text messages, using his pet name for me, and we weren't arguing (although he had definitely withdrawn emotionally). Then, after d/day, all that stopped. Nothing. Like he'd turned off a tap. Because now he has his 'grand love' with the OW, and doesn't need any comfortable affection with me.

I haven't had an email, text (unless it's about the kids) or phonecall (ditto) from him since he left.

I keep wondering if I should contact him by email. But I don't want to appear needy. I think that sexy, friendly yet unavailable is the way to go for me. Slightly aloof - yes. Needy is a definite no-no.

Alph.

Our situations are different, but perhaps not quite as different as you may think:



Yes he would, if I would accept that he do whatever he wants whenever he wants with Don Juan's wife.


I chose to believe my WH instead of his customers, his colleagues, our friends that he and his best friends wife/godmother to our youngest were only close friends and colleagues. By the time WH finally admitted, I had committed 4 solid years of love busters reacting to his disrespectful and independent behavior during his affair. I had become clinically depressed and was robbed of any "power" and self esteem that I once posessed.

ditto

ditto


I believe your view of this will change. You share a house and home, have two lovely children, a lot of history, and many happy memories together. Your whole existence is tied together. OW can NEVER replace that. The other ENs that the OW currently fulfills? Those are skills that can be learned.

The part about getting strong, getting a life again, came with separation and therapy. Take a look at my early posts, Alph. I was in really bad shape. And that was when I was first even doing a bit better!

Separation was my choice and it was a necessary step to retain my sanity.

Hard to say which situation is better or worse. At least your WH, in all his (hopefully temporary) delusion, seems to believe in what he is doing. For my WH, keeping up a facade of being a perfect husband and family man is more important than actually being one. He would have been quite content to go on that way. His A has now been greatly hampered because there are too many eyes watching him. Not his actual deed, but its being public knowledge is what makes him ashamed. I'm not really sure anymore if all his lies and deception are just a symptom of infidelity or if it is a character flaw that I was too blind to see.

Perhaps I will never know.

WH was the one who wanted a legal separation. I went to the lawyers and got advice because I needed to protect my financial security. (I am the one with the higher earning capability and have funded most of the mortgage for the apartment.) I had to chase him down to discuss our agreed terms since he was avoiding me all the time. It was as if I was going to divorce myself. We agreed to the terms, I drafted a letter and emailed to him on Mon.

No reply.

He replied on other questions concerning the possible sale of this apartment and other assets. But no word on the separation terms.

I don't know whether to continue keeping quiet abt his silence or ask him about it again next week.

So Lost -- do you know where WH is staying at all?

Alphin -- I hardly had a chance to really start Plan A either. It wasn't so much frosty as WH doing the flighty conflict avoidance mode. I cldn't continue banging my head against the wall and the silence just got way too much for me to handle. Things happened really fast too. Woosh! And he's now disappeared. MIA. Lost.

~A

When WH isn't spouting crap about how awful I or our marriage are, he's really quite genial with me.

I don't know if this is good or not! Obviously, it's better that we aren't shouting or screaming at each other (especially with the kids in the room), but it's like he wants us to be buddies. I DO NOT want to be buddies with this man if we divorce.

Still, putting up with it is all part of plan A. I do have to set further boundries - I do need to tell him I don't want to be 'buddies' if we divorce.

Somehow, his being chummy makes it seem all the more hopeless. Unless he isn't buddies with the OW? Never thought of that before. Perhaps 'buddies' is one EN I can fill for him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Plan A with a physically removed spouse is difficult but not impossible.

Alphin, it appears you are doing a pretty good Plan A already. WH notices the changes in you, I am sure. Many FWS on MB now write that they did indeed see the changes out of the corner of their eye. They were both suspicious and jealous. But they could not admit anything. The last thing in the world WH wants to do right now is think about your actions, even a little bit. To acknowledge your actions calls into question his entire life as he is living it.

In my case, FWW packed up and left the morning or D-Day 2. I believe she expected OM to join her. He didn’t. And I further headed that off in a confrontation with him and threatened nuclear (and I mean big nuclear, not core family nuclear) exposure.

But then the problem became executing Plan A when I only saw her for a few moments once in a while when she came to see DS. At first, before I found MB, I would stay away from her. I was too hurt and angry and I knew instinctively she would use my attitude as justification for whatever she was thinking. So I built in a six week cooling off period.

Then, slowly, I started talking to her. I invited her to participate in DS activities with me. I offered to do maintenance on her car. I talked to her without acrimony. It took a while but I suppressed LB’s and DJs (the hardest thing, for me - she was positively full of them).

Yes, I asked a lot of A related questions (I was in fact not sure I wanted to reconcile until I knew what in fact I was reconciling) but I learned from MB how to make her feel safe with the truth.

I asked her to join me in workouts at the gym. I lost 30 lbs. I bought her a bike to ride with DS and I. I learned reverse babble. It goes on and on.

Basically, I treated her as if we were dating again. And it was hard, thankless, soul-crushing work. Not at all what dating should be. But I had a plan at least.

Though you are separated, a good plan A difficult but still possible. Make the changes you know you need to make in yourself. Make the changes on your end that you know you need to improve your M, even though he is not carrying anything his end. Invite him to participate as a family in things as much a possible so he can see it all out of the corner of his eye.

Then, as your patience and your LB$ (sorry, no euro symbol on my keyboard) leak away, and they will, you will have a good foundation for Plan B. A good plan B must be built on a good plan A. Otherwise WH doesn’t see any difference in anything when you disappear.

This is physiological warfare at it’s roots.

Aphelion, how is your son doing?

I asked in my Plan A is for Alphin thread, but I think you missed it.

I think about him a lot.

Alph.

It seems easier to remain in contact when you have children.. they have little choice but to "see" you some how.

My WH has little/ no reason to come back. We have no kids. He has already extricated himself from "family gatherings" and conversation the last few mths. This was basically an exit affair for him. It made him so much easier to up and leave. Other than to collect some more "pieces of clothing" or pack up his belongings and leave, I doubt I'll actually talk or see him much anymore.

~A

Having kids is my big advantage. WH is a devoted father (rather, H was a devoted father <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). Without them, I'd never have seen WH again, I am sure. I get a lot of good contact with WH because of them.

Once exposure-fallout has passed, I will start asking him to join in family activities. I will ask him to babysit for me. I'm still a little afraid, but getting braver.

Alph.

I'm so sorry. Try and ask him how he's doing when he does come, show your care and concern for him.

Even if it comes to nothing, at least you'll know you showed him love when you last spent time together.

Alph.