Ok. i do nto know what to do. i have posted a few things recently but i'm going to consolidate it all into this thread. I really need some advice. I'm fustrated. i'm feeling discouraged again.

I am almost about 80 percent sure no contact between him and OW. i see all phone bills (he doesnt have another phoen) he is accounted for 100 percent of the time. Now that its sumer i'm home and he does not have "private" acess to teh computer. but that does leave work. the only thing being is that he is now working a mon-fri 9-6 scheadule. he has little free time like when he used to work until like 11 at night and he'd have hours of non busy time. now he is busy all day long. he is the only supervisoer in this dept at the time (3 weeks ago before all this happend he had 3 supervisors). so hes gota lot of work going on.

When he first changed to this scheadule (something none of us had wanted) we had been doing good for about 6 weeks withn not to many LB. nothing suspoius. and i'm gaining my trust back day by day with him. things were looking and feeling GREAT!!! well.... that all changed last friday.


Before last friday he had been his old sweet , wantign to cuddlet self. but then all of as udden he did a 360.
Last friday. he found out he woudlnt be able to get off early to take dd to the movies with me like he promised and he also had to go work on saturday . basickally meaning he was having only 2 days off out of 2 1/2 weeks. (we are used to him being home 3 dyas a week!!) so its a big change for all of us. but i wasreally upset and i told him. I dont think i LB to bad. i just told him how i felt. but he took it to offense. i basically just told him that the kids miss him like crazy. i miss him. and i was very disappointed with his choice to accept working so much. (he does have a choice he works hourly and the money he would gain from working more is not a necessity).My feeling was when he had to work late every night wtih the promise of being home early on friday etc. i didnt complain i was happy and he came home happy. But then he didnt hold u his end of the bargin. he is not mandatated to wokr this extra stuff they just ask him and he agrees. he was not happy. he acted unhappy and distant.

Well tuesday he finanly came around a bit and held me and stuff. i thought things wer coming back around and maybe he was just having a bad time at work etc. well wed. was his bday. we had a aprty when he got home had fun. then dd woke up crying hysterical b/c she hates his new scheadule and never sees him on it (see now that hes working this, he still works an hour away so hes gone from 8-7 a day) they go to bed at 7:30 . so she was hysterical. he was crying. it was sad. he said it hurt him etc.

Then yesterday he emailed me and said i have to work till 7. uusally i would be fustrated i just emailed back ok i'll see you then love you. when he got off of work he was GRUMPY. he said he was tired. ok so he came home we played a game of life with dd. then when she went to bed we put on a movie.

when the movie was over he started complaining about his shoulder hurting. (he just recently had some shoulder pain that he had gone to the doctor for and had some pain meds.) his mother had also given me some for him in case he needed it. i put those away . but last night he was like can you get me a pill . ( he is NOT an addict or anything. i just dont like taking medicenie unelss really necessary especially pain pills etc) i said why? ( i didnt realize the shoulder was that bad... i felt like he was more just having a bad rough day ).... so he said do you even have them. i said of course he said i dont belive you... so i was a bit mad. (he thoguht i like threw thema way or something).so i said fine i'll go get them. as i'm getting them. i tripped on something so i made a comment about how it hurt etc. when i came out of the room he was like i'm sick of this. i 'm sick of your attitude and talking about me under your breath. he ran out back to have a ciggerette. i want to talk to him. he turned his back to me and would NOT talk. then he came in and we went to bed. (he never took a medicine)...

Then this morning he leaves for work. no kiss no goodbye. and everyday he calls me when he gets to work. no call either... i did emial him at work to tell hiim we have a babysitter this weekend if he wants to go see war of the worlds.

BUT i hate this roller coaster. i just felt like i had two feet on the groud for teh FIRST time in like 2 years i was feeling so poistive. now hes all grumpy again. i mean he has ALWAYS been moody. and up and down. but i'm having a hard time just staying level and not being dragged up and down. and i feel dissapointed and skeptical again. hes also trying to put things on me b/c since last friday its alwasy what i cold do better. how i dont say the right thing etc... i am NOT perfect. i just dotn know how to handle this.



NOW i'm pretty sure OW has nothing to do with this. there has been nothing new and this started directly as a result of him having to work and me being upset etc. i have taken some advice into consideration and i realize guys see there jobs differently . so thats why when he said he had to work late last night i just said ok. and yes he is really working late. i can call him there anytime, i'm in email contact with him and i've seen his paycheck.

I almost feel like as long as i'm saying ok yes dear or not questining or stating my opionion things are great. but i feel like as soon as i have an opionion he is mad! then i start feeling insecure like this is my fault... i am having a hard time right now not blaming myself!

I'm glad you came here to vent. It does sound like it is job related. I hope that you will be able to stay FIRMLY in Plan A for awhile longer.

If there is contact with the OW, you will find out soon enough.

Thanks Believer. I do think at least right now that it is job realted. i'm just having so much trouble with the ups and downs. because he can hold a grudge for days and be distant. so he can be mad at me from last night and hold on to it for a week...

It sounds to me like he might be very busy at work, especially after losing the supervisors. He may feel like he HAS to work extra.

If you get a chance, give him some admiration for working so hard.

If he continues to hold a grudge, find somewhere else to concentrate your energies - scrub the floors, or clean the toilets. That always helps me.

Thanks thats a good idea. but he is sooo mad. i emailed him to ask him if i should pick him up lunch . he didnt even email back. just ingored it. i'll let it go. i'm not good at giving him some admiration. i'll try.. that is a hard one for me. but i'll work hard toward it.


He Finnanly wrote back like this NO .. so i said what is wrong.

he wrote back. i'm very busy and the vice preseident is down


so i wrote back and siad you've been working so hard since you got this new job

but id otn know what else to say as for the admiration

Admiration is hard for me too. But it is usually right up in the top of EN's for a man.

I would let it go for now, and go clean toilets. That may be more productive.

But I would be thinking about showing him some admiration. When things calm down tell him that you appreciate how hard he is working. Then try to get in the habit of noticing things to admire about him. It may feel strange at first, but does get easier.

I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Keep monitoring his phone and computer though. He may need his love bank filled up (What? you are saying? What about me? Patience, grasshopper). So be positive when he calls to be late (Okay, honey, we will see you at 7:00!). Make being home a pleasant experience. If you are griping at him, he will want to stay at work to escape it. If home is a positive place, then it will entice him to be there. That said, if you all made plans to go to the movies, and he has to work late, then, in a very upbeat way, say "We will see you after the movies then." Keep your life going.
Remember to get back to the State of Intimacy from Withdrawal, you have to go through Conflict. That is probably where he is. Try to meet his needs to get him in to Intimacy.

Because there are basically 3 options of what is going on:
1) Work is tough and he is taking it out on you
If this is the case, then being a friendly face will help in the long run.

2) He is having a tough time getting away from the OW and is still in contact with her and is in conflict about that.
If this is the case, then trying to meet his needs will help in the long run. You are showing him what needs of his you can meet.

3) He is back with the OW with no intention of leaving her
Then you are still a positive role model, you are continuing your life, and you have done your best.

Be positive at home but vent here.

tHanks so much, that helps a lot . i agree. it is one of those three options. he did say last week that he knows he takes it out on me when hes stressed at work. i am going to try to keep being upbeat and contunie going on. you are right~

its just hard in the cycle of u ps and downs . i get brought down with him when he is down .

HELP!.... SO MUCH HAS HAPPEND. he promised my daugheter he would NOT work anymore on saturdays. he even promised me then we are going to the water park tommroow as a family. HE PROMISED MY daugther last night he would be there!! then he just emails me and says i have to work till noon tommroow (again he does not HAVE to) he chooses to whent hey ask. he can not say no... So i ask him what about his daughter what about his promises he says he'll talk to her. then i ask what about our vacation we leave at 9am next sat. he refuses to answer. (we are going with or without him...) he gets cocky and starts saying f u etc to me! he becomes a real jerk. he keeps haning up on me. he says he doesnt need to tell me anything. he refuses to answer aobu tour trip. or why he is doing this. now he blcoked our home number from calling. he leaves in about a half an hour i honeslty do NOT even want him coming home right now I CAN HONESLTY SAY I HATE HIM. he has hurt me time and time again..

but hurting my children i can not stand for. ... he hates his dad b/c he disspaointed him so much now he is dissapointing his children and treating me like a piece of garbage!!!!!!!!

i feel like kicking him out... i hate this. i dotn kow how to react or anything... i talked with daughter shew as hysterical again. she doesnt want to talk to him. she is upset iwth him. i feel so bad for her my heart is broken.


please help.......

He's certainly moody.

Just stay away from his temper and moodyness for awhile.

Try not to pepper him with questions.

He may be feeling overwhelmed with family vs work responsibilities .... like he's being asked to wear too many hats all at once.

Try not to take offense. Wait and see how this all washes out rather than making an issue about his moods.

Give him a week to settle himself down.

sorry you are hurting

Pep

HE just called and said if you ever call me at work like that agin i'm divorcing you. i wanted to say dont do me any favors. i feel like packing him a bag and telling him to LEAVE. i didt ell him b/l4 he comes in the house my mom is watching the girls and we are talking outside until this is settled. i am SICK. i hate this. i know i could sit on it. but the pain of my dd. this is the second week in a row he did it! and the way he treated me.. after all this work we had done. its down the drain....

It hit the fan last night. let me tell u. he came home argued with me. and started with me. it was bad so much happend. a lot of LB. he decided he wanted to leave. he left latter he came home he said he wanted to be wtih me but it was still a bad and hard night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .. we'll see what is to come i;m still mostly sure this hast o do with his work.....

You know what? Your H just started a new job and is trying to do the best he can. It sounds like he needs to work extra hours to do his job properly and you are only concerned about yourself. It is not a matter of "needing the money," people work overtime because they have to do so to get the job done. If people just saunter off at 5:00 with the job left undone, or when the store is crazy, they don't have a job for long. Why are you giving the man a hard time for this?

Why not try and be understanding and supportive of him in his new position instead of making hysterical demands about taking you to the movies and starting big brawls in front of the kids? Why not take your daughter to the movies yourself and then try to be as pleasant and welcoming and supportive as possible when your H comes home?

The man is trying to support his family, mylife. Why are you beating him up for doing that?

Mylife, if you were him would you look forward to coming home at night? If you were him would you look forward to your phone calls at work?