Would that happen to be "Hoddy Toddy! Gosh almighty!" ??

I'm a Southern gurl
A former WS
A Southern Baptist hypocrite (but changed churches now)
I went to a Christian counselor (believe me ~ they have seen it all)
I survived withdrawal (It WAS hayul, but it WILL end.)
With affairs, the romantic feelings for our spouse are the first to go and the last to come back (says my counselor.) They did come back.
It will feel natural again...and BETTER!
We are happily recovered for going on 6 years now.

Keep reading and posting here. NO contact with OM. Spend lots of time with your husband. Have fun together.

Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB. You've come to the right place.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

That's two people now that have made comments about the classmates site...I had never given that any thought, but it makes a lot of sense...the sad thing is, I had deleted at least one e-mail from them telling me I had a message from their site, the one I opened was their FINAL reminder of my persomal message...if only that had slipped by me too! I can only hope that there truly is a reason for everything and that eventually our marriage will be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to my H and I. Keeping the faith and offering a prayer of thanks for all of you, this website and my H for having found it!

WWWondering
WW-me 35
BH-38
D-5
DDay-04/26/2005

WWW-

We all have lots of "if only's". Time to drop that and move on to a great new marriage.

As far as a church counselor, I say go for it. I belong to a conservative evangelical church. Our young married's pastor ran off with another woman. The christian community is dealing with these issues at about the same rate as everyone else.

I agree with Believer ... You aren't going to tell her anything she's never heard before ... Did you know Baptists have affairs too !!!

Besides, I think the BEST counselors after something like this are faith-based... yes indeed!

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Susan said:

Pep said:

How come you agree with Believer and not me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My counselor experienced even worse in her very own family (her son's wife). Counselors are trained and used to dealing with this.

And don't think you go in as the "bad guy". You go in as the "good guy" because you are there together to change your marriage. You are only the bad guy if you make no attempt to repair the damage you have caused.

Been there, done that, got the Tshirt and TOTE bag!

The truth and your faith can set you free.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WWW-

I am the BS and WW (both within months of each other). Welcome to MBs.

You sound depressed. I would suggest getting evaluated immediately for depression. Seriously consider going on an anti-depressant. It will help a lot with the depression and withdrawal. WD is very hard to deal with and this would help you. Dr. H mentions it in SAA. Remember you are going through WD from an addiction, so it will not be easy.

I would go with a counselor you will feel comfortable with. That is essential. We have gotten rid of 2 of our counselors. We agreed we would switch even if only one of us did not like the person. First one told us to separate.
Also, consider someone for IC too. Someone you can share some of this tough stuff with who can help you work through it in a healthy way.

I want to point out the difference between some church counselors.

Some churches use assistant pastors as their counselors. These people (usually men) are NOT trained in the type of counseling you need. They are people who might even be young Christians (as in under a year or two), who have a great heart to serve the church - who have been taught and know a lot about the Bible, and have some wise words. But they have never taken any type of college course on any type of marital or family counseling. Prayer and reading the Bible are important, and is what they will suggest, but aside from any experience (good or bad) they have with previous cases, they might not be qualified.

SOME churches have DEGREE HOLDING counselors. These folks are the same as any other counselor or in some cases psychiatrists or psychologists, except that they work for a church instead of an independant counseling center. They are Christians, and believe in Biblical psychology, and so they work for a church. That is the counselor you might want to look for.

Yes - a pastor that has been around for 20 years might be the best choice. Just be sure that you are seeing a qualified counselor. A degree in some form of counseling inidicates qualification.

I have worked for churches for 22 years. I know what I am talking about. I listen to pastors tell me they are in over their head. Be wise in your selection of a counselor.

Sorry if this is kinda dark. I am sure you can find a great church counselor. Just look very closely at the one you pick.

FAR

Hi Susan,

Thanks for responding and giving me a chuckle along with your support. "Hoddy Toddy, Gosh Almighty"...I haven't heard that since my days as a "little sister" for a college fraternity...is that where you got it? What a small world, my closest friend here in the great white north is named Susan, go figure that yours would be some of the most helpful and hopeful advice I've received.

I feel really inspired by your counselor's advice, and repeated it to my H. It does give me great hope to hear you say that the feelings do return. Right now, I'm at the stage of unfavorable comparisons between the OM and my H. Did you go through that? How do you get past that? As I said in my first post, right now, everything that comes from my husband seems so needy and that serves to elevate the memories of the OM to an even higher state of masculinity...does that make sense? I'm sure that in saying that I'm probably inviting a lot of "2 X 4's" in my direction. But I am going to be truthful about my truest and darkest feelings on this site and make the most of it. I have always been the person most likely to say what others are thinking but too afraid to say, so why stop now? The feelings I am having in regards to both of them are likely to have been felt by someone else I'm hoping. I'm just trying to make sense of all of the random junk that is floating around in my brain these days...Thanks for listening...

WWW - thanks for your honesty. It gives me hope to see you come seeking the right thing to do.

Maybe if God sends a miracle....

Be strong. You are appreciated.

FAR

WWW,

You don't know it yet but you have fallen in with a "bad" "bad" "bad" crowd. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Susan, Pep, next thing you know Melody will show up and tell you to move to texas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WWW, listen to these ladies they know what they are talking about and have helped ALOT of people through this. You mentioned a few things that I thought I would comment on and hopefully will get Susan, Pep and a few others rolling as well.

To start I married a Southern Baptist, had family members in that denomination, I however have chosen a different denomination, plus I have spent some time in the south and have relatives there.

You said

Your marriage will NEVER be the same again. I don't know how else to put it. An innocence has been lost that cannot be regained. However, in the 6.5 years or so that I have been reading and posting here, there is a fairly common statement that I will paraphrase for you. If you read here long you wil see this comment or something like it.

My response is always the same. THe A did NOT make the marriage better, what made the marriage better is the work both spouses put into the marriage by ending the A, enduring the pain of betrayal, by losing someone the WS cared for deeply and by working together of a period of a year or so.

Your feelings are normal. We are talking recovery time in the year time frame not weeks or months. As you go along, and as the "fog" of the affair lifts you will see things much differently than you do now.


You not only devalued him, you rewrote the history of your marriage, and you clearly disrespected him. It is going to take awhile for the reality of your marriage to return but it will, but with the information on this site so will better communications, more effective ways of handling things, and a realization that a marriage is forever IF one plans on making it forever, it is NOT an accident.


It will come back as you begin to see your H in the true light of day again, and realize what he has endured because he loved you. It will return, but it can take months. There is a great post by SKM called her chronicles that details her return to the marriage emotionally and it took almost a year. She and her H now have a young child and are very happy. I see them occasionally when I travel east. They are a great couple. You will need to give this time and patience. But, if your H is as you describe you will come to see him in a far better and romantic light as time goes on.


I would not doubt that there has been damage done there. And depending on the details perhaps more than you could possibly realize. However, there is something that you need to notice. Your H is still there, he is apparently trying to save the marriage. He must be willing to address the assualt on his self-esteem and adequacy in the bedroom. He will need your help and honesty, but he is willing to risk it. That is something you really need to focus on right now WWW. As hurt, as devalued, as disrespected, and perhaps as poorly as you have compared him in the bedroom the man is still standing there and he still has his hand out to you.

You will come to appreciate this more as the addiction of the affair wears off and as you beging to see things in a new and different light. Give what you have said is there little wonder that your marriage will have to be a NEW marriage??? I don't think so.

Keep up the good work, and listen to those ladies posting to you they can be be a mess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, they can be direct, but they are ALWAYS helpful.

God Bless,

JL

I was asking you in a round about way about the "law school" referring to Ole Miss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As far as comparisons, yes, I did it. I could not stand my husband. He annoyed me just chewing his food! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

All that has changed now.

You can see from my registration date, I've been around here forever. Just Learning slapped me upside the head a few times when I needed it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Gotta run now, but I'll be back later.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Wow, JL, that was an amazing post for us...my husband and I just read it together...it brought me to tears, tears that I needed. He and I had just been discussing how we are both type A's and that we want things to be better right now. He is truly a wonderful man, of that I've always been sure, believe it or not...he just told me earlier how he isn't even going to start telling me about the hurt that this has caused him until I am through with my withdrawal. That has to take so much, and I know that I would not have been able to do that for him...I'm the hot head of the relationship. I do appreciate all that he is doing to save our marriage. I am truly trying as well, the fact that I am reading SAA is such a huge step for me(I notoriously HATE any kind of self help book). I do LOVE him more than I could ever put into words, I LOVE him so much that I would want to work through this no matter what our circumstances. I've read quite a few posts saying that had there not been children involved they would have just chalked everything, and though I do want our daughter to have the benefit of our marriage, it is to this man that I would want to be married even if there was no child. I wish that there was some magic potion to make me forget all of the other things about the OM...I KNOW that I am with the better person, it is the physical stuff that I"m having a hard time overcoming right now. It is my genuine prayer that time and a "lifting of the fog" will take care of those feelings as well. Your pointing out that my H is still here with his hand out is a huge help in my seeing him in a different light, thank you.

As for moving to Texas...no way, though I'm sure it's nice there, I am a "dyed in the wool", "card carryin'" Georgia Peach, and let me tell y'all that Michigan "ain't no" Georgia! HA!

Susan, to answer your round about query, xxxx University in xxxxxx...xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx), J.D. from xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...and your reg. date has to be 1996, not 1969, right? What with there being no internet in 69 and all...made us both grin-tee hee!

I can't tell you how much of a difference in my attitude all of your posts have made...Thanks A Million!

Time will help that.

The physical stuff will work out. And there are more important things right now than just sex and passion. Commitment is far more important than physical stuff.

The fact that your husband is loving and forgiving and committed to you and the marriage after all of this betrayal is important. He is willing to go to counseling and do whatever it takes to fix the marriage.

All of this can be a pretty sexy turn on later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />...

And not something I'm sure you could have counted on the OM for in the long haul.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I agree that there is much more than just the physical, but it seems to be what is reassuring for my H, and right now it is the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, it almost turns me off to getting into the deeper commitment part of things. Everything sexual right now makes me think of the A and the OM, unfortunately, it is the physical attraction between the two of us that made the "us" into an "on again off again" nine year relationship before the A. You see, we met when we were both 13 years old, long before either of us had had sex, but even then, the physical connection began almost immediately. I think one of the reasons that this A is so difficult for me to "get over" is the history behind it. Everyone knows that a new relationship is incredibly enticing, but add history to that, and it is a recipe for (imagined???) intimacy almost instantly. He was somewhat of a hero figure for me, in that he was always "there" during rough periods of my life even when we weren't dating. Erasing his image and all that goes with it seems like a huge obstacle. Today, being on this site has given me a renewed sense of hope...thanks again to all of you for your very welcomed insights.

WWW,

If you want to do some more reading I think you would really benefit from reading KiwiJ's posts. STart with her earliest ones. She started an affair with an old HS boyfriend and almost destroyed a marriage of many decades. She doesn't post as much these days, but she went through some very similar feelings and it took her awhile to realize so basic truths about her OM, that you are going to find out about yours.

The most obvious is that your OM has no respect for marriage or commitment, that is a demonstrated fact. But rest assured you are going to realize more things even yet. It takes time. I am very glad that you and your H are reading here. I think it often makes it easier to start open discussions and can even keep them in the 3rd person which often allows clearer thinking to prevail.

I wish you both the best. Have a good 4th of July weekend, and have patience with yourself and your H. They don't call this the "rollercoaster" for nothing and this stuff is not for wimps.

God Bless,

JL

Hi WWW,
You've gotten some great advice so far (isn't Just Learning awesome?).

I am a FWW too, six months past D-day. I just wanted to chime in encouragement that things get much better as time progresses. Your H sounds a lot like mine - wonderful and committed to recovery - and posts here on MB with me too.

MB has helped us both tremendously, so I'm glad you're here. It gave us a focus for learning, seeking advice and an outlet for the many emotions that hit us on this ride. Quite honestly, it saved our M and I never would have thought an internet board and web site could do such a thing.

Like you, immediately post D-day and I wanted very little to do with serious relationship talk and closeness with my H. So sad to think about now, because here after the withdrawls have ended and we have been focusing on our M, I love him so much. It does get better and you will begin to see the OM in a different light as time progresses.



Beautiful. IMO, this is one the crucial components to recovery. Shine a light on everything and examine it and most of all, learn from it. I've had to face some really awful things about my actions, but as time progresses, understanding has increased and is giving me the tools to ensure it never happens again. More importantly however, I'm learning to have a fulfilling, enjoyable and beautiful marriage. Burying and hiding cuts that process off.

Withdrawls - ugh. Hang in there for a rough ride. For me, 5 weeks of intense pain, followed by another month of dull pain, followed by a couple of months of intermittent kidney punches. It is very normal what you are going through and just expect those feelings for a while.

Wanting closure, wanting to contact OM about oh every 10 secs, wanting to yell at him, asking why, etc. Very typical. Don't give in to feelings though - as soon as there is contact, it sets you back to square 1 in terms of starting the pain over again. And, it won't help you feel better anyway, because OM's reaction to your call is VERY unlikely to be what you imagine.

Tactics for fighting withdrawls,
Anti-depressants (again, never thought it would work, but did!)

Diverting habits that would remind you of OM. Change the ride in to work, sounds on the computer, circle of friends, whatever. Triggers that bring those thoughts on. A bummer for me was the loss of my iPod for awhile too. Tried to delete triggering songs, but then found that any emotional song brought intense sadness for a variety of reasons. Stayed away from movies for awhile too.

Get rid of all reminders of the A. E-mails, pictures, text messages, momentos. Dump it all. It might hurt, but it's liberating. Took awhile for me to let go of this, but glad I did.

Take care of yourself. Get fresh air, eat well, exercise, sleep when you can. Meditation, yoga - ah, nice.

Do nice things for others. Always gave me a lift and helped me focus outside myself.

Like yours, my H helped guide me home. I'll never forget his strength this year. In fact, there are many things I've learned about him in this process that turned our M around. Our M is turning out better than it was pre-A. So, I hope I can offer some hope that the feelings you have right now (and lack thereof) will change with time, patience and effort.

Trust your logical mind more than your heart for awhile. I suspect your logical side is very strong - use it.

I saw a lot of great qualities in your posts. Hang in there cuz I think you're going to make it through with flying colors.
GS

As a current BS, it's interesting to read this stuff from the other side. I'll have to remember to collect all of her "Affari CDs" sometime...