Why does the BS put so much effort into a marriage that the WS doesn't give a sh*t about? Why do we sit here and avoid LBs and be the strong lighthouse while the WS goes off and has their fun? Why are we willing to even consider letting these people back into our lives even after they continue to stab at our broken hearts? Why? Are we the stupid ones? Do we thrive on the drama and the anguish? Do we really think that when they're done with their other lives that they will be so happy with us again? Or is it that we just don't want to lose to the other person?

I do it because I love my H (not the WH who's taken over him) and my children, and I want us to be a family again.

I find it very, very hard to be the Lighthouse. I finally admitted yesterday that I needed ADs to help me through this (however it turns out) and I'm confident now that I will be OK, whether he comes home or not.

I know it's unfair. I know they don't deserve it. My WH is having a ball, sees the kids when he wants, and plays with OW when he doesn't. Hardly fair.

But I love him, and I think we had something really good together. I think my kids deserve a happy family to grow up in.

That's why I do this.

{{{newlywed55}}}

Alph.

As a BS I have made the effort to save my marriage because I wanted to do what was right. The day my FWH left (which came out of the blue) I sat on my front porch and it was as if a movie played in front of me. I saw all the mistakes I had made in my marriage. I did not see his mistakes only mine. I knew then that I had to do what I could to save my marriage. After I had done all I could if it still did not work I could walk away knowing I had done my best. I have done my part.

Wow...good questions! I have been sitting here all day wondering the same thing!

I'm sure we all love our WS so that can't be it!

I think I am doing this because I love my family. I want my children to have a mother and a father. I dont want them to hurt. I love that we did everything together. I love the stability. I love knowing where my place in life is...a Mom and wife.

I have to know that I did everything in my power to keep my family together. This way I will have no regrets f it doesn't work out. And if it does, then it will be worth it.

Believe me, I often ask myself why I am doing this. I feel used. I feel cheated. I feel helpless. I am not ready to give up.

Hugs all around!!!

Thanks for the responses.

Alphin – I love the H that I married. I do not love the WH and I’m not sure I will ever love whoever he ends up being when this is all done.

LU- I know I made mistakes and I have worked on them and am working on myself. I, too have felt that I have done my part.

LostintheCity – Maybe it’s that I am ready to give up. We do not have children or anyone else to worry about.

I’m growing very weary and burned out. I ask these questions because from a practical standpoint sticking around to be repeatedly hurt does not make sense.

I feel you. All of you. We all feel like this. But you have to ask yourself if, in twenty years, when you look back at this time, either way it goes, did you do everything you could to save your marriage?

I've often wondered that myself. Why do the BS stay with the WS? I think it's out of love for them and their family. Every person has their own reasons.
I chose not to stay with mine. I fought for a long time but then decided he was no longer the man I loved. I give all of you out there who are fighting so hard much credit!!!! You are all strong!!!

Why does the BS put so much effort into a marriage that the WS doesn't give a sh*t about?

Because I had faith that this condition was temporary, and that Squid WOULD one day give a sh*t. And I was right she does now.

Can I say it was worth it ? Dunno yet. But I'm getting there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NW, I almost certainly would just have walked away if we'd had no kids. I was rescuing 17 years of happy marriage and two kids happiness.

I think even Dr Harley doesn't suggest plan A etc in a sit of newlyweds without kids.

Just do what you ned to to be able to like your reflection. You'll have that a LONG time.

NW,

I guess from your name I should have known that you had not been married long. I went back and look and see that you have just been married 1 year.

If I were in your shoes I would not have stayed. I with Bob on this one. History and kids make all the difference.

Good Luck. I will pray for you.
Lifted Up

[quoteBecause I had faith that this condition was temporary, and that Squid WOULD one day give a sh*t. [/quote]

I second that.

I have a favorite story to compare A-fog with.

My aunt and uncle used to be heavy smokers. They would drive somewhere, their 3 children sitting in the back of the car. They would both smoke and the windows had to remain shut when it was cold... If any of the children would have dared to object, they were told to "keep quiet" and "respect their parents".

Many years later my aunt quit smoking. After some time it hit her - OMG, I was such a terrible person - submitting my children to such a cruel treatment!

My point is - will your WS "stop smoking"? Go through withdrawl? And then finally realise what a selfish a$$ he or she was?

If they keep on smoking... maybe we should be moving on.
Give it some time & hard work, then when you know you did all you possibly could, decide if was worth it or not.

DKM & TR - Thanks...I am trying to be strong and do everything I can do.

Bob - When I look at my reflection now I see someone ten years older than she was 6 months ago. I always thought I would walk away if put in this position...but it's just not that easy. WH and I have been in a serious co-habitation (?) situation for 4 years. And although we have no children it was still serious. I know some of you have children and T-shirts older than me but I've been around enough to know that this was a great relationship. However I can totally understand why in my situation it is recommended I just walk away. Believe me...that reasoning is becoming clearer everyday.

Gotta run right now...will finish my response a little later.

Why do I do this? Because I love my *Husband* more than life itself. I love my family more than life itself, and I know he's in there somewhere, underneath all the withdrawl and horrible foggy talk......he's in there, I catch a glimpse of him now and then.

My family is worth everything to me and I'm not ready to throw away a 13 year relationship, if it's even remotely possible that it can be fixed and be better than before.

-Caren

NW55,

You mention avoiding LBs so you must be doing the plan A thang. I think there must be a time limit on the plan A. If there is no effort to reconcile by the WS and no remorse by a certain date then it's off to plan B or D.

If there is remorse (or some remorse) and "talk" of reconciliation but the person is "soooo confused...needing his/her space to sort things out" then it's bald faced cake eating/fencesitting bull poop and you must tell him to fish or cut bait to knock him off that perch.

If he is out playing around with one particular OW then EXPOSE your a$$ off to stop the A.

If he is out playing around with no one particular hottie but bunch of them then say goodbye.

I just realized you asked WHY we do it and I suggested HOW to do it...sorry.

Why we do it is because we feel safer with the known sitch, hoping it will get better or maybe even back to the way it was, than the unknown, all alone sitch that we fear.

IMHO

k

EDITTED TO READ: Or/and what Mr. Pure and Caren said.

Hi NW,

I was like you. Lived with H 3 years before marriage. When dday hit we'd been together for about 6 years, no children.

I gave him about a day to decide on us, then I was GONE. It still surprises me I gave him the day...

I did it because I believed that deep down, he was a good person who had become very lost. He had enough redeeming qualities that I decided it was worth a shot at salvaging the relationship.

But only a SHOT. If he had dragged it on AT ALL, I would have decided I was WRONG about him being good, deep down... and bailed. Really. I've been in this situation before, and a 2nd chance was NOT given.

I know what I can live with, and these relationship psycho-drama's are beyond my capacity. I moved 2000 miles away from my Jerry Springer-esque family of 25 years. I knew I could survive leaving a relationship of 6 years.

Good luck to you, on whatever you decide you want - Dru

LiftedUp - Thank you for the prayers.

BrownHair - Your smoking story makes complete sense. The thing is he has stopped 'smoking' but continues to be selfish. He thinks that we can just be friendly without ever addressing the issues....major conflict avoider.

Caren - Occasionally I catch a glimpse of my wonderfully sweet pre-WH H. I just don't think a remote possibility is enough for me to hang out and wait anymore. I've made major progress towards becoming the strong, fun, confident person I was before I met him and now it's as if he is dragging me backwards everytime we have negative contact (much more frequent than the positive ones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )

Krusht - I did plan A and then plan B and he agreed to my terms but then has yet to follow thru. I know that the one particular (self-proclaimed) ho he was hanging with is no longer in contact with him. I suppose I should go back to plan B.


Dru -

I feel that I have given him this shot too many times now. I thought he had enough redeeming qualities but I suppose those qualities no longer exist within him. He has had his shot and I'm at the place where I am ready to move on.

I've come to the conclusion that this R and M is not salvageable...especially since after a small amount of progress my WH has a way of undoing it all again.

So now I have to move forward and release whatever it is within me that is trying to hold onto a little hope for us. This is where I think my original questions came from. Why am I holding onto that little bit of hope when it has become so blatantly obvious that he is not? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I did it because I promised to.

Just that simple. And I gave 'til it all ran out.

Why are you holding onto hope? My guess is that YOU still believe in the reasons that you fell in love, and got married.

Just remember a large portion of MB can greatly, greatly benefit the BS, regardless of what happens in the M.

What do you want? What is your "most desirable" outcome?

Ethan

Ethan - Yes, I believe in the reasons that I married my H, but why fight for something that the other person doesn't want. I mean, he can tell me all day that he wants me and our marriage but then he makes decisions without considering how they affect me or doesn't want to address the issues. He just wants to hang out and enjoy each other again (essentially start over) w/out trying to repair the damage he has caused both of us.


I thought I wanted him and our marriage, but I don't think that is possible anymore. I want happiness with someone who is thrilled to come home to me and me to him each day...just to be loved and be someone's priority. My most desirable outcome I believe, unfortunatley, no longer includes him. I believe that he loves me and wants me but I don't think he is capable of helping to repair the damage that has been done.

Lots of great posts and advice. This was a great question. A question that I have wondered about time and again. Sometimes you feel like you are "lowering" yourself by Plan A to meet someone's needs who has betrayed you so badly. But really, this does make you stronger. It is hard to see at the moment, but in the short time(really seems like an eternity) that I have been fighting for my marriage I have seen changes and improvements in me as a person.

At times you feel like throwing in the towel, it is hard to believe that this is really happening. I still to this day have a hard time accepting this as reality, but it is. I fight for my marriage because I remember the love we had and how true and real that was. I fight for my marriage because I promised in front of God that this was "for better or worse, in sickness and health". I want to know that I gave it my all and be able to stand in front of God knowing that. I fight for my marriage because our incredibly special son deserves a Mom and a Dad. I do it because I BELIEVE in what my marriage once was and that it can be better than before. With everything that I have learned so far on MB's we can utilize this site and the tools presented to us to be closer than we were before.

As said, each person has to decide for themselves when enough is enough.

My WH has lied to me and betrayed me and hurt me to the depths of a pain that is totally indescribable. But we have all felt it and that common bond brings us all together.

Newlywed, I don't know all of your story but if there is even a flicker of salvageablity I would not give up. I went through a time( and might go through it again) where I did have feelings of hate for my WH. Studying here, reading and posting made me understand parts of the alien that my WH had become.

I am very new to this, but just wanted to share my thoughts. I know you have received the best advice from all of the experienced MB's here.

Blessings,

Kim
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5
Still Contact
Still trying to Expose

This is exactly how I feel alot of times. We pine away at the nostalgia that we had with this person at one point in our lives. It's hard to throw it all away and take a step into the furture. But sometimes you have to accept and put your faith that everything will be just as good or even better then ever before. The unknown is scary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kim - Yes MB has good tools for creating a better marriage if BOTH spouses are committed to that. I have a small flicker of hope that this is salvageable but so far from him ... all words and no action. I, too, have moments of hate for my H and then moments of guilt for feeling that way.

Tim - I agree that the unknown is scary. However, I think it's even scarier to go back to the one who has emotionally scarred us. The easy thing for me to do is to stop waiting for him to get his sh*t together and move on without him.