I dropped the bomb two days ago. See I did a bad bad thing thread by me. She knows now that I know her PA is still going strong. Yesterday I went out with a friend after work. I stayed away until the kids' bedtime. She was complaining that her head hurt, her stomach was upset, and she was tired and anxious. I said I'm sure you are with all you've got going on.

She was sitting in the recliner watching TV. I was waiting for a moment like this to test my new foot massage skills. I've always been good, but I brushed up a little because it seems like the only contact with me that doesn't make her too uncomfortable.

I got a hot washcloth, and proceeded to wrap her foot in it. She said "what are you doing?" I said "see if this makes you feel better, I need the practice anyway". I let her foot get warm, rubbed baby oil in to my hands, and gave her what I am sure is the best foot rub she has ever gotten. She did not say a word. I did each foot for about 15 min and asked her if she felt better. She shook her head yes and fell right to sleeep until morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I just got off of the phone with her. She doesn't seem like she is as upset with me about the recording as I thought. But, I asked her if there was anything going on tonight. She said "I'm thinking of leaving". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> By "leaving" I have to assume now that she means going to have sex with OM while I watch the kids all night. Again. I have a few hours to come up with a good response. I want to say that I will not allow this to go on, but in a smart way. Any suggestions?

Don'tknowmuch -

I haven't overlooked you, just thinking about this. Are you sure she meant going out for the evening? Or did she mean leaving - as in divorce?

For the evening.

Can you make real quick plans to do something tonight? So you won't be available to watch the kids while she continues the affair?

believer,
I'll tell her she can leave if she is going over to spend the night with the friend I can trust. She has a friend that she finally opened up to about this who is most definitely willing to help her, but will not allow herself to be used for WW to see OM. She wants my wife to buck up and get back to her family. WW ignored her for a couple of weeks, b/c she is kind of tough about this. If she goes there, I would be fine with that. Anything else, though, and I am not going home tonight.

I need some support MBers. She waited until I got home and told me she was going to go. I told her that I would not be taken advantage of anymore. I would not be stuck here babysitting with my head going a hundred miles an hour while she was out enjoying herself with OM. I told her if she wanted to go out with her "good" friend or something that would be fine. I told her I need to get out of this, either way it ends, with what is left of my self-worth intact. I wouldn't support her affair anymore.

Guess what. She said she was going over to another friend's house to swim and spend the night there. I let her go. I have no way to prove it. And now I am sitting here babysitting, frying, my mind going a hundred miles an hour, thinking she is at a hotel with OM. WHY DID I BACK DOWN, I FEEL SO F'N STUPID AND USED. HELP!!!!

Sorry that happened to you. You can pretty much bet on the fact that she is with the OM.

Is he married?

Thanks for your continued support believer. Today was going good too. She made an appointment to see her therepist next week. I finally got an appointment with one. She even said "I need to get my head out of my [censored]." I had to chuckle.

So, is he married?

ok

you MAY have stuffed up,,dont get sick over it. Yes it may be a mistake and I'm sure you will make a few over this mess. You are human not super human.

Now do not over react with her but rather quietly see if you can confirm her whereabouts and the OM's whereabouts last night.
This may be easy by ringing her friend with the pool and say you understand she may not want to take sides but was your WW there all night y or n and was Om there at all y or n. - you may get lied to ......does friend have a H or partner they may not be prepared to lie for her??
If you get any info keep it to yourself until you are ready to calmly discuss & dont reveal your source.
Of course it may all be absolute lies too.

If you feel yo do not wish to do this then you have 2 options - believe what she has told you or accept she was with OM.

In either case you need to set your boundaries and say NO to her unless she goes to someone YOU trust to at least not have OM around or cover for her.
Dont expect too many of her friends to take your side she has probably told them what a 'monster' you are so as to justify her actions.
Unfortunately this is a pretty standard action by WS.

Whatever YOU do do not leave the family home and do not allow her to leave with the kids. This is usually the next 'plan' of the WW. Totally unplanned ofcourse but all they can aee is the OM and you, the kids, the M really dont matter.

Right NOW start documenting EVERYTHING !! Her leaving the kids with you, staying out over night, what she says to you, what you find out. This is important if she takes the step of actually leaving and trys to take the kids. In her state there is no way she should be taking the kids anywhere & you need to protect them first & your M after.

Also make sure only YOU have access to your bank account from now on. Sadly experiences posted here show that the WS will clear the money out of the bank on pay days and leave you with nothing. YOU do not want to fund her affair.

Have you done any of the above yet dkm? Please do not delay its better to be safe than sorry.

Now last of all yes you can fight for this M using MB principles and sticking to your guns, especially when she gets manipulative. If you dont know these 'friends' or trust them why let her even use your car?
Its not being mean it's just not enabling her affair.

Oh, and no he is not married. There is no one to expose him to. His ex-wife left him 2 yrs ago and was pregnant with another man's baby within a few months. She already knows about it. His roomate just got out of prison, and is proud of him. He is a worthless piece of trailer trash that is taking advantage of my wife's mental issues. That is really the way I see it right now. I don't know how she could want to be in that environment at all. It is almost if she is trying to self-destruct.

I noticed you were talking earlier about her drinking. How much does she drink?

1. Are you documenting everything?
2. You need to be willing to get a PI to get concrete proofs that can be used later to her or in court, if you can't get them yourself.
3. You need to expose to her family and your friends.
4. You need to Plan A.
5. You have to be willing to file and go dark (plan B)if nothing changes in the near future.
6. Understand and follow the mindset of Foundareason in his sitch.

"No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change".

I think you probably handled this ok. Plan A takes some practice. Don't get into any power struggles. You can't control your WS. Just tell her in a firm, kind, repectful tone that you do not plan on doing everything thing you can to save your marriage and your love for her and you certainly do not plan on enabling her A.

believer - She has a problem with alcohol. She doesn't drink all of the time, but when she starts, she doesn't stop. She drinks to escape. She is also depressed.

She called, I talked to her about nothing much for 45 minutes or so. I really started to believe her. At the end of the conversation, I asked her for some conformation that she wasn't with him. She got very defensive. And angry. Like "I was feeling good, and you had to remind me that I'm an [censored], I'm hanging up." "You're the victim, I'm the jerk." "If I am you'll probably have pictures, right". She has this feeling like she is being followed all of the time since I told her about the recording. Anyway the conversation ended [censored]. But, judging by her reaction, I assume the worst.

Do you have any idea of what happened to make her drink like this? She may be an alcoholic. But it is scary to see someone so young drink until they forget things.

I think she has all the makings of an alcoholic. Just because she does not "drink" all the time, means nothing. Sorry that you are in this situation with her. She needs help, and you must realize that what you think may be "helping" her is only enabling her. Just some food for thoight.

Goodluck,

LM

Her mom is also an alcoholic. I have kind of started going through this with the mindset that I am helping her with her problem. That's what keeps me going. I think depression is the bigger problem, but the drinking doesn't help. I asked her how many times we have had sex in the last year. She thought maybe 4 or 5. It's more like 50 but she has been drunk. It is sad but true. Hopefully she will get something out of therepy next week.

Hon -

I hope you know that alcoholism runs in families. She has probably inherited it, or at least a propensity to go that way. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I can see the signs in your wife.

Her drinking is not normal. Counseling will not help her until she faces her number one problem - alcohol.

What you need to do is go to alanon.