No, Nothing new is happening.

Sometimes I have bad days where I question myself. But the good days are far out numbering the bad.

How is he behaving and treating you now? That is what is important. After all, you don't want the same old marriage back, you want a new and improved one.

The relationship is much better now than it has been in years. We’re having fun and enjoying each other, despite the bad days. We worked very hard with meeting each other’s needs and stopping the LB’s. I feel so naïve; I felt immune to something like an A. I felt we were different and that we were special. I was so wrong. I’ve learnt so much from this experience.

I have been reading in other posts that Harley does not recommend working on the marriage when there are no children involved, we don't have kids. Does anyone have info on that, I don't remeber reading that.

Viv,

Actually, Harley said that he would NOT work on the marriage if his W had an affair and there were no kids. However, what is often missed is that his purpose in writing the books and counseling as he apparently does is that he felt and so do his children who have followed in his footsteps that many marriage what have broken up need not have if people had more patience and a plan for rebuilding.

So first thing one has to do is make a decision IF you want to rebuild the marriage. The fact that you have no children just means that if you choose not to do this fewer people are hurt or affected...it is cleaner.

However, it seems to me your focus on the HS issues is sort of locking the barn door after the cows are out. The issue before you two are somewhat more straight forward.

1. Do you want to be married to each other?

2. If you do, how has how you two been handling the marriage been working for you?

3. If it has not worked well, then you might really consider some alternative approaches one of which is what you have found here.

IF you both agree on these things, then the next thing for you to do is do the NEEDS questionaire. Here is a part of what Harley found that is sort of surprising but then not if you think about it. He found that often when a marriage was in trouble it was NOT because either spouse did not care. In facat often both spouses where trying to be good spouses and meet the other's needs. The problem was they assumed their spouses needs were the same as theirs and further that they would need them met the same way. WRONG ASSUMPTION. So effort was leading to no good results, frustration is setting in, neither are getting their needs met and yet they are working hard...conclusion we must not be meant for one another. Harley's conclusion was you guys were not aware of each others needs nor of the things he calls Love Busters which rob a marriage of its vitality.

So my recommendation to you two is to sit down and really decide what you want to do. IF it is rebuild the marriage go for one you BOTH enjoy and that means talking to each other, taking the needs questionaire and talking about it and what it means, AND then setting up a plan to accomplish what you want.

It is more straight forward than you think, but it does take dealing with baggage from families of origin, and past relationships.

Do some reading of the articles here, do some reading of the books in the library or buy them, post and ask questions and definitely read the other posts you will be amazed at how common most of this stuff is.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL. We have done the needs worksheets, have our needs posted on the fridge as a daily reminder. I have read his needs/her needs, but I need to get surviving an affair.

There seems to be a lot of posts advising to leave if the person posting doesn't have kids. Am I correct that Harley said that he personally wouldn't work on a marriage with no kids, but still encourages these marriages to follow his plan?

We do want the marriage, I'm just battleing many demons.

Viv,

He said that in an article where he was being candid about his feelings about betrayal. However, as everyone will tell you what you THINK you might do or want is NOT often what you actually will do when confronted with these situations. Hence the material here is offered to give you a set to tools to make better decisions and to rebuild the marriage if that is your choice. So don't worry about the children factor. His thinking is where there are children are concerns one should move heaven and earth to preserve the marriage because of the kids.

In some particularly bad situations of serial cheating or long term affairs, the children are all that hold things together until the rebuilding can start. This is NOT your situation.

Once you have read the needs discuss them. It is not enough to know they exist but discuss strategies for meeting them and how you each would best like them met. Everything will NOT be perfect but as you talk and express your feelings and listen to his, you two will begin to see each other differently and it is this change in perspective that will be the bedrock of your rebuilt marriage.

God Bless,

JL

You're very right, we do need to discuss our needs more and how to meet them specifically.

I've been reading that around month 8-12 of recovery things get hard. Maybe this is a normal stage in recovery when I'm just questioning myself and the marriage, when I wanted to work on everything eight months ago.

I guess the reason I was focusing on the HS issues was that I was wondering if anyone saw a pattern of behavior from him. all the great people on here, know more than me.

I guess the reason I was focusing on the HS issues was that I was wondering if anyone saw a pattern of behavior from him. all the great people on here, know more than me.

^

I think you should work on the marriage. In fact I think you should move over to recovery. Your husband told you the truth, right after the weekend. That hardly ever happens here. I can count on one hand the WS's who have confessed.
So that is a very good sign.

You have a long term relationship. I hope you will give it your best.

Is something else going on now?