And this is the way you need to look at it. If you end up with merely pity for your WH, then that is so far less than what you want for yourself in a relationship or marriage.

I feel the pity/disgust stage coming for you, and that is okay.

Glad you are calm enough to consider your son and his wedding at this point.

Oh K, I'm sorry but glad for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and no longer need to deal in this recovery stuff. With a repentent XWH it maybe okay, but without I can't even begin to imagine the dispair.

Hi Weaver....

Sorry to say, I do not even feel despair.

I only feel resolve.

I will make it thru the next month, then I am done.

There is no hope for our M. As long as WH keeps his job, continues to lie (and I have observed his behavior since he has come home this time........I believe NC lasted for about 3-4 weeks), then we have nothing.

And that is exactly what I feel.

A lot of it is my fault. I should have stood my ground from the beginning. Too much waffling. I see it all now.

Now, I must go on for myself.

K

Dear K,
I haven't posted to you before but it seems your M is going into the same direction my M went. After D-Day in Nov 2003 I got all the promises, the "I'll never do it agains" only to find out that H went back to prostitutes and started chatting on dating sites again even before that.

He can be very kind and "considerate" with his words - but his deeds don't match his words and like you, I think too highly of myself to spend the rest of my life with a liar, however nice he is.

K,

I'm so proud of you for seeing things as they are.

I know that it's really hard to believe less than the best in people, but there are some people that have not earned a second chance.

Cat

Cat:

WADR, this is more like the second HUNDRED chance....you are right though about the "earning".

Sourmale

K,
can you talk to Steve Harley as it might help you to cope with the upcoming situation.

Gosh, I can really put myself into your shoes and I'm feeling with you.

take care and hugs
bb

Is it definately the OW that he is calling???

K, I don't post on GQ as much anymore but do check and have noticed your absence. In my case I am still struggling to recover after all the lies, deception, and cruel behavior that occurred during H's A. H offically stopped lying to me the end of 3/04 and I can't even imagine what it would be like to have tried to recover with all the lies and additional d-days that you have endured.

K, you are a warm, beautiful lady and you deserve so much more than this man who used to be your H. This is my fantasy for you. I would like to see you not mention the phone cards again. Just be nice and sweet to your H. Since he's so incredibly dumb to think you'd buy the, "Duh, how'd that phone card get in my wallet?" statement, allow him to be so dumb that he thinks you are buying it. Hold tight until your son's wedding and thoroughly enjoy it. Be the classy, proud mama that you are. When it's over call OW and ask her if she would like a gift from you. Tell her you are officially giving her H cause he's the gift that keeps on giving. Then say "bye, bye" to hubby and let him live out his fantasy with this women that has obviously continued to encourage him to be such a lowlife person. They deserve each other, and you my friend deserve a much better life than you have been enduring these past 3 yrs. HUGS! CV

Well, I couldn't agree more than with CV55!!!!!!

But I would still talk with Steve Harley.

K, you really do deserve more than what you are getting. Don't take the crumbs............whip them away and let OW have him. Full Blast!!!

I truely believe it's the "secretness & excitement" that is involved that must really make an addict out of the man you once married.

Get yourself out of this cycle but first "enjoy" your son's marriage with all the class that you have.

I don't know what marriages are like in the US but here in Germany it is possible to "Pick out" a matching psalm for the ceremony. You might want to consider this and you might want to ask your son if he would consider this as a "wish from you". (pick one that matches your situation)

I'd also consider to put a note into your WS wallet. Speak out what you feel and what you know. (I'm more than sure that he knows what is in his wallet or not and he'll find it definately)

Also consider to get help from a therapist.......for your sake because this isn't going to be easy.

hugs
bb

Thank you all for your replies.....

My plan is this:

I will continue as though nothing has happened, and that I believe WH about the phone cards, which I most sincerely DO NOT!

Then, after DS's wedding is over, I plan to have WH make an appointment with our MC. At which time I will tell WH that it is over. And I will tell him all of the things that I have thought and felt.

Then, I will wish WH and OW a happy life together.

When I wouldn't talk to him the last time I kicked him out (Plan B), he thought I was being a mean as I could be.

He doesn't see how his lies, cheating, and giving me an STD are meaner than anything anyone could ever have done to me. I'm sure he feels very "righteous" in his A. And even with my faults (of which I KNOW all), I have never treated him badly, or put him last in my life.

The era of a thousand chances is gone. My heart is dead - as far as feelings for WH are concerned. I can no longer sit on the back burner of someone's life - especially the someone who promised to love and cherish me 33 years ago (our 33rd anniversary is on July 21).

Do I plan to find another someone? Well, seriously, no. This whole thing has really cut my trust and faith in M down to nothing.

I will keep updating here. It's the only place I can really talk.

Thank you, thank you, all.

K

Dear K,

I really don't know what to say except that I really think about you very much.
I wish that this will/would have a Happy end for you.........oh yes I really do.

I don't believe that 33 years can ever be "whipped out" and no matter how your situation might end..........your WS can't just stuff 33 years away either.

I hope for him that he never ends up like "my father".

My father had an affair and left my mother after 20years. He cut all connect with all of us. He is still together with OW and from what I have heard, he is the saddest man on earth.
He is together with OW (and he's miserable with her) but he can't leave (financially and due to his health)
He has NEVER met his grandchildren (22yo + 25yo) and he will probably never meet his "Greatgrandchild" (due 1.1.06)
He has nobody to share the past with and he is as lost as a man can be.

I just met someone the other day (this was a WOW moment for me) and this person knows my father (I haven't seen him for over 25years) anyways, we were talking and somehow we came to talking about parents and I told him my fathers name.
The person I was talking to, turned pale and almost fainted.

He has known my father for almost 24 years and my father has NEVER mentioned that he even has a daughter.

So this tells me a great deal. I feel so sorry for my father. He is living "his" reality and he is full of so much guilt, he cannot even mention anything from his past. He must be the most lonely person that I have ever known.

Even people that have known him for 20years and more actually know nothing about him. Isn't this sad.
But it was his choice.

So I wish from my heart that your husband might have a "Wake up" call...............

Your life will go on, no matter what................

take care of yourself
bb

Hi K! I am sorry that this is happening again to you! I also found prepaid phone cards in my H's wallet...he denied them...I took them away from him...then he resorted tousing the pay phone...I would find quarters by the dozen in his car...he said it was used to buy coffee! WHATever!

I hope that you are serious in what you say that you cant live with the lies and all that goes with it...It does get exhausting...the snooping, the lies, the where is he now, the why hasn't he called me, the is he calling her...

YOu can be happy...I am so much happier without all that in my life now...I miss my "family" but I do not miss my H...I do not miss the chaos..the constant snooping, the constant what if's...it makes me sick thinking of it!

I wish you the best of luck!

K, please do keep us informed. This is all so incredibly sad. These WSs can't see that they have the opportunity to be with a person who has proven to love them more than anything, yet they choose to be with the scumbucket. I have never witnessed a WS who has ended up with the OP either staying with the OP, or if they do, they have become a bigger a**hole then before. It's like they have to divorce themselves from their children and be jerks to somehow justify their actions. It all makes me sick!

Mom, I'm so glad you are doing well. Your H is another sick puppy! CV

LMAO at this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sour...

Sour, it's the truth! I have witnessed my share of ongoing WS a**holes on a few occasions. They generally become pretty lowly, miserable people. AHHHH revenge, karma, or whatever you want to call it! CV

You might of read what I wrote to K. I've experienced a WS staying with OW in my own family. "My father".

He divorced all of us...............his complete family......actually everyone in his life. He had to "build up" his own world. A world that has "nothing" to do with his past...........a world that only includes people that know "nothing" about his past.........they don't even have a clue about his past, so I guess that way he avoids talking about "his great choice" he made.

He only talks about my brother who was killed in an accident over 22 years ago..............and he gets pity from them as they don't have a clue that he also "divorced" my brother and didn't even come to the funeral at that time.

Great.............isn't it. I don't feel "hate" I feel terribly sorry for my father, not being able to live the life that a "Prowd" person can live. He's living the consequences of his actions. (he must feel like a scum-bag though because he can't even talk about it)

My father is "Stuck in the Fog" to this day!!!! (wonder what Steve Harley would say about this???)

btw: My mother is happily married again and she is living the best life ever.
So I guess, it is a "choice" one makes in life...........to be happy or NOT!
"You make your bed and you sleep in it!" :-)

take care
bb

OK, YEA! this would be my Husband! I believe he IS more of an Ahole than ever before...And she WANTS this...The man is never happy! complains of how her house is too hot and how I am so comfortable in my nice big cool house....ummm, YEA...been here for 6 years dear...nothing's changed on MY part...and YOU??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

CV...I could NOT be happier...I cannot even imagine being with that man again...I had sooo much fun last night with my friends...I laughed so freakin hard...had he been there, it would have beena disaster!

Thanks.......everyone!

Yes, I have witnessed the WS staying with OW in my own family also....my father. But then he has always been pretty well "divorced" from the family. He is retired from the Navy, but went on to get his captains license, and always continue to be at sea. He is now married to a woman who used to be a cook on his tug. He was a serial cheater. And my mom (with 7 children at home) could not financially leave him. Especially after my youngest brother was born - with Down's Syndrome.

Who knows if he is happy - he's in his 80's now, has diabetes, and is blind. A few of us talk to him occasionally. When my sister called to let him know that Mom died, he got very ill and had to be hospitalized that night. Overwhelming guilt no doubt.

They were married 30 some odd years.

Right now, my WH, he is thinking he pulled the wool over my eyes. I'm very sorry for him. He is going to have to lay in the bed that he made. His choice. HIS CHOICE.

And you are right MF4M (mom). He usually is an [censored]! On Father's Day, he sat inside and ate his barbecue alone while the rest of us ate outside. Did pretty much the same yesterday.

I've just decided that I do not want to live like this. All the things this situation has forced me to do.....sneak, snoop, be suspicious, etc. is sooooo unlike me!

And, I've let him keep his phone cards. I have all the numbers off of them. He's talked for 3 hours to "someone" on the one card he claimed. The other had only 2 minutes left on it.

But, he'll probably not use them again, but will get another one to use, and keep it better hidden.

More than anything, I'm sick of this whole game.

I say "GAME OVER"!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I am so sorry K,

No matter how hard we try, it is ultimately up to this person to pull their head out of there derrier' (not terrier, but that would look funny too) and "get it". He, unfortunately, is a slow learner.

He will regret his decisions, someday, all WS's do. It's just a matter of timing, and if you have lost all your love for him before that. Sounds like you are getting close, if not already there. I am so sorry.

The snooping and suspicions are not your nature, and it really isn't your job to do these things, it is his to protect you from hurt, and that means the lying.

Whatever decision you make now, has to be made for YOU!

Thanks for your reply Still.....

This is just for an update......

I checked the remaining minutes on the phone card WH owned up to.....They are the same. He was gone for work last night, so I figured he would use it then.

So perhaps he has another one now. The well used one has disappeared.

Another odd thing happened the night of the 4th......WH was having me download some music albums off the internet. He handed me his credit card (one he has had for a long time).

When I entered the address (our address) info for the card authorization, it came back as "Authorization not approved. The address given does not match the billing address for this card".

I told WH that they wouldn't approve his card because our address didn't match the billing address for this card.

He just said "HMMM". I know he has a mail box somewhere in the town where he works. So, he has changed the billing address on his card to that box number - no doubt so that I wont' see the statement. (He's gotten caught in some lies thru his credit card statements)

He came back into the room about 5 minutes later and said "I know why that happened. It's because I pay my bill from the computer at work." (I know for a fact that just because you pay a bill online that does not mean your billing address has changed) DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

He also keeps a storage unit there - not 2 blocks from OW's apartment. HOW CONVENIENT!!!!!!

Secrets, lies, deceit.

I am so ready to be no longer living a life of this kind.

K

Of course now that you have figured out the calling card thing he won't keep it in his wallet anymore...another place...maybe his vehicle?

Can you access his credit card statement online...can you set that up alone or will you need him to do it?

He sounds so guilty...don't skirt the issue or deny what you know in your heart/gut. It all comes down to your plan..which is after your son's wedding, right? I know it is a big disappointment to you.