Get ready for a ramble. I'm struggling today. Just found out OW's H left her. Not sure how long ago it was. Long enough. That answers why he "let" her go away with Phil on a business trip. The answer is -- he didn't. She went and he moved out.

Good for him! Bad for me. Or maybe good for me? Bad for him?

Perhaps that is why the romantic/nostalgic e-mail from Phil last week. Maybe he is getting more face time with OW and realizing she's not all he once thought? They're STILL seeing each other. And still sneaking and lying.

I spent the past two days wigging out over this stupid meeting. Now I am breathing easier. He is away on holiday and won't be back for a week. Seeing him was nice even though it was short. I felt much stronger yesterday than I feel right now. Felt VERY strong actually. But today I'm a poophead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So when he got here I let him in and made no move to greet him in any way other than "Hello". He played with the boys for ten minutes and then came over and very deliberately hugged me. It was -- sexy. You know what I mean? It was a sexy hug. And when I pulled back just a bit, he held me and looked at me and there was big kiss wanting to be let loose - no mistaking it. He wanted to kiss me. But he didn't and I didn't and so we didn't. Stubborn! After we pulled back he said I was very skinny.

You know what? I will just be happy with that. Because the feeling part obviously wasn't my imagination. :-) He was feeling me and I am pretty sure I felt his erection, lack of kiss notwithstanding. Besides, I gained five pounds since the last time he saw me and I can only imagine that OW feels different - she is after all, the anti-Sally.

I didn't want to hang out in the house so we walked around the neighborhood and chatted. Easy stuff. I let him do most of the talking. We walked closely and though it felt like it would have been natural, there was no hand holding. A couple of men admired me as we walked around and that was nice. If you're going to be a BS, may as well have the guys nearby giving some friendly hellos and leers right?

Phil was strangely generous when I mentioned something about increased cost for my own upcoming trip, Phil suggested I charge everything to our old shared account. That had me a little surprised. I wasn't hinting and his suggestion was not calculated. Well, anyway, it was easier for me to do that, so I did!

He gushed about the garden and how good everything looked. Asked permission to use the bathroom which was weird but later admiring things outside kept saying how adorable OUR house is... I kept from saying it wasn't his house anymore. I let him have his muse. Maybe he is appreciating me more? Who knows? I said I loved our house - which is still true.

So this week I am removing the last of my personal belongings and putting them in storage. I'll be away for two weeks. Taking a chance and trusting that he won't sell the house out from under me while I am away. He hasn't been angry or mean in over a month. Now that OW is single and potentially without funding Phil's mood could change again quickly.

I don't know. I am struggling and obsessing and feeling low. Knowing the A is still going on. Knowing Phil is still lying. Knowing I can't do anything to change it. Not knowing what I don't know is eating at me again but I'm doing better now than a couple of hours ago. I'm praying again and letting go more too.

And now I'm blah-blah-blah-ing here. Sorry since it's so dull and not so happy but not so sad either. Sorry it isn't more uplifting. Not sure I'm looking for ideas on how to pitch woo without looking like I'm pitching woo. I think the most attractive thing about me for him is that he is beginning to think I'm really gone. Which is what I expected from the beginning. What is going to make Phil want me back is knowing he can never have me.

Still not ready for plan B. I am still not (between me and all of you) ready to have a life with no Phil in it. And no lie, part of me is enjoying his confusion - just a teensy bit. He hasn't been privy to my festering thoughts. Yesterday I really did a great plan A. No taker at all. Much babbling. No need for much reverse babble at all lately.

blah blah - just wish I knew where to go from here. More of the same I guess. He'll have the boys for two solid weeks while I'm away and that is going to be a big LB for him but he offered to do it and it helps me out immensely.

So there you go... .. ... Thanks for letting me ramble on like that... ... :-)
Sally

Sal,

I'm just bumping for you so you know someone is reading and to keep towards the top.

Wish NC Walker was around, he was giving you such good insight.

Hang on and keep getting on with your life, so if there is more disappoinment ahead, it won't be so crushing to your tender heart.

And your heart is tender, so it is important to guard it. Too bad you just couldn't convince it to not care anymore.

{{Sally}}

Sounds like you done good. So sorry that Phil is still lying and sneaking, hope it doesn't become a way of life for him. I think the best thing you can do right now is live. Yep, enjoy your trip and your house and your garden and yep, the boys.

As Weaver so sagely said, it won't crush you so much if things don't work out. If they do, you will be an even better partner.

weaver, faithful -- awwwwwwww

I SO wish you lived near. I'd love to have you over. I'd even learn to cook for ya! OK, well a couple of years out that might be enticing... 'til then it'll have to be cocktails and restaurant food. Sorry. I really don't cook! Erm, food that is... I really don't cook - food.

This sorry heart is still beating for Mr. Phil Carey. Stupid Sally. There are much nicer, faithful men out there even. Or at least I'm told this. It hasn't been my experience yet. Sorry guys, but I haven't experienced fidelity coming my way yet. Phil was the first good man - for seven years anyway and then he was the last on the sorry man list...

I said I would plan A 'til Independence Day. Never figured Phil would be gone for my big day though! :-) Still following through with plan A until I can't/won't. I am living. I'm making progress with the house fixing, making progress with my flippy emotions. Even some progress trying to care less what people think about my looks.

OH and this is slightly off-topic but I tried the cotton panties thang and I am sorry but NO MORE. Apparently there are some things I'm not willing to do to make Phil feel more special. Cotton briefs are one of them. Since he doesn't see mine anyway, I'm sticking with my g-strings and thongs thank you!

Jalapeno!
Sally

Sally,

There is nothing stupid about a heart that loves. He is the stupid one right now.

When you feel differently, you will do differently.

If you knew what people tell me about my ex SO, you would drop dead in disbelief that I still care. Everyone says he is not worth the ground I walk on, and still my heart beats on for him.

It makes no sense, but I do know that after seven years it is very hard to let go. But if and when the times is right for you, you will. And he may come back with his tail between his legs yet. Don't give up if you are not ready to.

I will say that a long Plan A is counter productive. Three months Sally, don't drag it out. It will not net the results you want. Now is probably a good time, if you have the spine for it.

weaver,

I don't think the girl jumped. :-) I was the girl on the balcony looking out at the beach and for a very long time it didn't suck! It was like being a princess or... Evita!

I'm definitely hurting less. I'm spending more time with friends and more quality time by myself (as in less paint the house, more ball-whacking on the range) I haven't dragged myself out to a nice dinner alone yet. Also haven't taken in a movie alone yet but I'm ready.

I see the wisdom in cutting the ties. I'm not sure a pure plan B is going to serve me as well as plan A right now. For instance, when my ISP gave out last week and I couldn't respond to Phil's mail you know what his response was? He was pissed! He told me. He thought I was ignoring him on purpose.

HA! ha hah ha ha ha haha ha..... poor baby didn't get his instant gratification from Sally.

But as long as he thinks there is a challenge he rises to the occasion a little bit better. Plan B to him might equal game over - no challenge at all. And I can rely on Phil to want to compete against his better judgment: if a game can be won it's worth being played. He can't help himself.

I know Phil a damn sight better than OW... or even his friends and family. More so now :-( because I know what he is capable of and they don't.

Maybe it's a blessing for OW to be separated from her H. The bad habits have started to show on both of them, or so it would seem. It's been what? 6 months of secret, infrequent trysting and daily lying to everyone? Real life isn't all escape with suites at the Pierre and expensive wines and food.

Said it from the beginning- I know it's not about OW. But she was so sure she wanted what I had. With gladness would I trade her the houses, the money, the designer clothes, the jewelry and the luxuries (and all of the headaches endured trying to choke it all down) for my Phil. I loved him when he had zippo going for him - but HIM. Liked him better too.

OW doesn't seem to actually LIKE phil or care FOR him much at all. Oh yeah, they're soul mates. Blah blah. All she saw of him past the money and the new sex was: ME. He fed her me. My tastes, my words, my joy in living. Tell me again they're soul mates in another six months after they have experienced what's real about each other. He's just stubborn enough to hang on to this fantasy and try and make it real though. :-(

What's the line Kathy Bates said in Fried Green Tomatoes? Honey, I'm older and I've got more insurance...? That is how I am feeling about OW this second. I am older and I have more insurance. :-)

I'm all full of rambles and babble. I'm like the weather. I'll change in a coupla minutes. :-)

Sal

But that's not what you want is it Sal? You want a partnership, a marriage.

The game must end sooner or later, and the sooner it ends the sooner you either get what you want or you heal enough to move on.

Phil likes Plan A, he won't like Plan B. Tough [censored]. You are worth everything, and nothing less.

Damn! If I get a sex change will you marry me?!

You hear me so clearly and I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. You know what I want is a partnership. I couldn't settle for less. You know I'm no game player. But if game-playing for a little while is what it takes to get Phil to meet me halfway, so be it, I will learn.

There could have been a lot more bending and stooping on my part (yes, this very small woman can say that with a straight face) to make Phil feel like he was more of a partner. I could have met HIM halfway more. I did my best with the wisdom I had then and he knows that, but I'm slightly wiser now and can do better.

For all his acting like a shmuckolovitz lately, Phil is the man for me. I knew it. I know it.

Was it love at first sight? No. We'd been friends for over a year before let myself fall in love with him. What I did know from the first few minutes we spoke was that I wanted to earn his respect and friendship. I wanted to be his friend and for him to be mine for the rest of my life. Phil inspired me to consciously choose womanhood over girlhood.

So yeah, he's not exactly earning my respect now. Maybe he never will again. I don't have an answer to that yet.

I'm just not willing to give up on this man and I think full-out plan B is not for me yet. But sometimes I'll change my mind just like that [snaps] - let's see how he comes home from his holiday? Perhaps plan BE will commence with Bastille day instead of Independence day? :-)

If nothing else you're bringing my smile back. And look how wordy I am again! :-)

Sal

Sally,

Brain is too numb from an in-law visit to provide anything useful to you tonight, just wanted to let you know I'm listening and I think you've come SO incredibly far lately on your personal journey. Your tone has changed quite a bit and I like seeing it. I think the feistiness (is that a word?) is coming back to you.

Dobie

Dobie,

You took time out to post after a night with the in-laws? Awwww. That means a lot. :-) Thanks friend.

Yeah, I know! I used to be sassy! I was audacious and spirited! Now I'm just ice inside and out. Cold as if ice wouldn't melt if I held it... Ever read any Orson Scott Card? Just curious...

Working on melting. Perp crawled onto the covers and now I have a small brown mountain atop the mountain of comfies. Thanks be for air conditioning. 95 lbs of grade A prime dog meat on top of 94 lbs of woman in summer is a tad too furry for me!

But I'm not making him move either poor, sweet baby. He'll have 2 weeks of sparring with the OW. I don't think she cares for animals... Perp and spanky deserve all the love they can get until then IMHO... And here comes spanky to stake a claim.

Golf early tomorrow morning. I was too chicken to cancel with my broken finger. How wimpy can ya be - not practicing because of a silly broken finger? Aiiii. Nervous my coach will be disappointed in me. Haven't done any work in a full week. No weights. No drives. Nuthin.

Ciao 4 now,
Sally

"Ever read any Orson Scott Card?"

I can't recall, but I read so much that it all muddles together in my mind sometimes. Anything in particular you're referencing?

Dobie

I think you'd like The Worthing Chronicles, but he uses several themes over again, so if you missed that there is certainly other good stuff...

Can I tell you? I am besotted with my dogz. They are the sweetest furballs. It's cool enough tonight I don't mind them sleeping on top of me.

Sal

I'm on an Ed Greenwood kick right now, so maybe I'll try him next.

I'm more practical than you. I always slept on top of the dogs.

Dobie

You know I have no idea what either one of you are talking about... Ed Greenwood, The Worthing Chronicles.

Well I get the joke about sleeping on top of the dogs though Dobie LOL.

What are you a couple of intellects?

The hardest books I ever read were "Care of the Soul" and "Soul Mates" by Thomas Moore. But I'm thinking of reading Dante's "Inferno", just so I know where my ex is headed. LOL

I have a pretty little cat btw. Used to have an old english bulldog which Dan took when he moved out last May.

I loved that dog and man could she ever RUN!

Weaver,

Just in case you didn't know, do not sleep on top of the cat! That only works with large dogs.

Dobie

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the bumps! Almost as good as cutlets <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I had an amazing morning at the club! Now all I have to do is repeat that every day for the rest of my life!

The rest of the day up to now has been spent in quiet contemplation.....

I am considering plan B. I'm not waffling. I am considering.

Who here has had success renewing with WS post plan B initiation btw? Does anyone know?

Oh, and um, one of me, two of them plus there once was that man in my bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> so they sleep on top. Or verrry close.

Sal

Hey all,

I finally got some sleep. Awoke at five am and started packing Phil's belongings away. I loaded what would fit into his car. This is not my entry to plan B. I am not sure if there will be a plan B or not. As the distance between us seems to have settled into plain old absence, I'm accepting the absence because I don't know what else I can do.

Honestly, I don't know how I, myself, alone, can be enough light, a strong enough anchor, a steady enough bridge for Phil to choose me and a life with me over his present situation. He hasn't let go completely. He hasn't decided he wants to have me either.

I have struggled from the first with what I perceive to be a character flaw within myself: Why do I want to share a life with someone who does not want to share a life with me? I find that I still don't have any sort of reasonable answer to that question? It's all vague and circular. I want Phil because....

• The happy years we shared were sublime.
  
  The upsets we experienced were trivial and, I believe, still fixable.
  
  I used to admire Phil for his ethical depth. That depth is still present but very much obscured.
  
  Phil has a natural sense of the divine. My faith is strong but it isn't natural that's for sure. Perhaps that is a real reason for us not to be together?
  
  Before, Phil left the private circle of his soul and sought to understand the inwardness of my spirit with wisdom and love. That love was so tender.
  
  We aspired to more together. We expanded beyond our individual selves; our minds were linked and for a long while we brought each other passion, pleasure, peace and joy.

With these or any of the other million reasons to want Phil, I still have no answer to why would I want someone who doesn't want me. And I think I have reached a place internally where I understand that making myself desirable isn't the answer to that question. It's the answer to a different question: Why would someone want to be with me?

Improving myself, being a delight, a joy, a haven, a reliable source of comfort and strength, those are characteristics that are desirable - yes. And Phil has desirable aspects too. And still, there is no answer to the question. The only answer I have aside from 'Because' is another question: 'Why not?' Why not want Phil even though he doesn't want me back? This process isn't keeping me from evolving as a person, so why not?

I don't know.

Sally

you know from our many talks how proud I am of you and what an amazing empathetic strong woman you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

just wanted to remind you of that today and say thanks for being such an amazing friend - you are a survivor!

(((HUGS)))