Post deleted by flyer

Flyer:

Your WW is on cue with her role in this. She has her script down pat. The words may be a tad different, but the thoughts and rationalizations are much the same. In being here over one year, I have learned many things. What your Wayward is telling you ***may** or ***may not*** eventually be true, but her words and actions are ALL right out of the Wayward Spouses guide to Infidelity and Betrayal, 4th edition, copyright 2005. This is essentially word for word.

Your situation and WW are NOT DIFFERENT.

BOL,

Sourmale

What does she like to do?

Does she have an intrest like music, or gardening, or photography???

Think of something she used to enjoy but gave up over time.

Find some way to treat her by way of creating an opportuity for the both of you to enjoy something together ... like concert tickets, or a state fair, something you would both enjoy. You make the plans, hire the limo, the babysitter ... Woo her .... court her ..... grab her attention.... be FUN to be with .... listen to her .... non sexual touching.... funny little cards left on her car.... WOO the girl!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

That's the WS babbling NOT your W. I agree with Lemonman. This is not a unique reaction. Instead is comes straight from that dern WS handbook. We are still looking for the publisher so we can blast all those books to smithereens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ok, when your WS babbles as such just nod or make some small gesture but DON'T continue the conversation. She is baiting you into LBing so she has a reason to go running to the OM.

Be aloof, be kind (if possible) but stay away from being manipulated. Instead you can respond with some reverse babble like:

WS: I didn't stop contact with OM because I don't think our M will work out.

BS: (look of wonderment) well dear I certainly believe that as long as you have contact with the OM, our M can't work out. So what r u going t/d about it?

Put the ball back in her court. She may figit and try to make you look like the bad guy. Don't fall for it. That is why you must read up on plans A & B. Implement the ones you are ready to implement. Make all your personal improvements so that when the babble comes your way you are not doubting your reasoning abilities.

L.

Post deleted by flyer

Let us know when you are ready to stop wooing the WS and ready to woo your W. Not only does she have to see your changes but she has to know you will not reward a WS but only your W.

L.

Have you exposed this affair? Who is the OM and what is his marital status?

Post deleted by flyer

ah yes! Now I remember well! I thought your screen name looked familiar. The answer is yes, the fog will lift if contact ends.

That is why ending contact is the most important priority, before meeting her needs. You can try to meet her needs all day long, but it won't help much at all if she is still in contact with him. Would she send a no contact letter?

Are you snooping on her? How is she contacting this guy?

I would start thinking about other options if contact doesn't end, flyer. This affair has been ongoing for FAR too long without any consequences. She needs to know there will be consequences. She has been sitting on the fence for quite some time basking in the glow of getting her needs met in TWO places. She won't readily give that up.

flyer, have you considered counseling with Steve Harley? I bet he would be a tremendous help in your situation. He is very good at pulling fence sitting WS's off the fence. He could give you a specific PLAN that might effectively end this affair.

Post deleted by flyer

Don't tell her you are snooping and don't worry about it being a lovebuster. Catching her cheating hastens the end of the affair and is part and parcel of Plan A. It puts great pressure on the affair to end and discourages her from contacting him again if she believes you will catch her.

Do you think they are talking on your land line? If so, put a Radio Shack tap on the phone. Are they chatting on the internet? You could put spyware on her computer. If you think they are meeting, you could follow her or have her followed.

If she has truly ended contact, will she send him a no contact letter? Her reaction to that request should tell you how serious she is about really ending contact. She has lied before and will probably lie again, so I wouldn't put too much faith in her profession to end contact. Would she send one of these letters to him as an act of respect to you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000000

Have you expressed to her that "some contact" will not suffice? That any contact is grossly disrespectful and unacceptable to you?

flyer, I have seen Harley achieve in 1 session what other MC never achieve. He will not waste your time and money. He will assess your situtation and give you a plan. He is extremely perceptive and I am always amazed at how quickly and accurately he can assess situations over the phone.

The following is affair-alien logic:

[color:"red"]Not getting caught in a lie is the same as telling the truth [/color]

.... just so you understand .... their logic is waaaaaaay skewed.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by flyer

If you find something, you confront her! Every time. That puts pressure on her affair.

I would suggest asking SH about bringing her in. You might want to have an initial session with just yourself to give him the lay of the land. He will probably want to bring her in.