Hello everyone. You are all a great group and I have been very encouraged reading many of the posts.

I just read "Sexual Anorexia" by Patrick Carnes which appears to describe my wife extremely well.

It describes a condition of sexual and intimacy avoidance which is very analogous to the eating disorder anorexia.

The general idea is that the person (my wife) becomes very controlling and exerts perfect control of mind over body. Sexuality and intimacy are never connected so that perfect control over feelings is always maintained. Control can never be relenquished.

Question is how to help her. For 12 months, I have gone to psychologist alone and with her. She has gone in alone but apparantly has never opened herself up and honestly expressed feelings and fears. Apparantly she has been unwilling to talk about growing up years with psychologist. I do know some stuff about her growing up years which lead me to believe that she was at least emotionally abused.

I have talked to several of her "intimate" friends and asked for their confidential help in getting her to open up. So far they have said that my wife doesn't share anything private. I will continue to ask them for help in finding some opportunity (Lord willing). That they could encourage her to see a professional (psychologist)to help her unload about 45 years? of private feelings that she has kept secret and never spoken.

Wife doe not listen to me (in this regard), and if her friends cannot influence her, then I am not sure what my next action will be. So far I have approached this in a very gently manner, believing I am building a stronger marriage and a good safety net for her. I refuse to get sucked into any arguments with her, but rather try to be as encourageing and helpful as possible.

Ideas anyone?
Thanks

Welderman,

You might wish to post on another board as this is one where there is Infedility involved. It doesn't appear that your Wife is having an Affair.......

I have not read the book & do not know if I fully understand what you are describing. BUT my hats off to you for taking the initiative to try to understand what is going on with your wife and to try and help her.

I don't know if you and your wife are intimate at all. Has she ever expressed pain during SF?

You mentioned that she is unwilling to talk about her childhood. Could she have been molested as a child?

It is imperative to get her to talk about it with a professional. I know you are trying......Good luck with that.

I know how it is to keep something inside like that and not be willing to bring it out in the open. Is your wife angry towards you at all?

Best,

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Thanks kimberly for the reply and the encouragement.

Answers to your questions are as follows:

We are intimate in the bedroom but it is physical and not very emotional and feelings based. She has no qualms about saying things that are discouraging to me. She would rather avoid SF and has very strong tendacy to try to push me away emotionally. I believe she does it out of feelings of trying to be a good wife. After SF, she really does't say any uplifting words of encouragement. I think emotionally she feels like she has lost the control battle even though she physically enjoys SF. I think it ties in with anorexia type thinking.

She has talked some about childhood emotional abuse but is unwilling to consider that it very much affects her thinking and behavior now (46 years old). Does not want to talk to me about ways it has affected her.

She has never said anything suggesting molestation. But I do not rule it out, knowing her father. Can see a possibility.

She is in total denial that childhood emotional trauma affects her now. Talking to her directly about getting help is like talking to a brick wall. She is extremely defensive and does everything to end discussion. I very much am starting to realize that professional help is 100% necessary for long term stability in our marriage.

Prior to about a year ago, my wife was always agry. But it was all part of a strategy to keep me off balance. Complaint was that I was at fault for everything and I was causing all the marriage difficults. No matter what I did and how hard I tried, marriage did not get better but rather got worse. Finally I did lots and reading and realized what was going on. Went in and saw psychologist and he verified that my wife was being dishonest (verbal abuse about me causing all the problems).

My wife has also seen the psychologist but has been unwilling to talk about any of these issues. With psychologist, she cannot even say one word about any of this stuff. Psychologist is extremely gentle and does not force any discussion as he knows she would just get up, walk out, and never come back.

Thanks again Kimberly.
Any more thoughts?

Welderman

Since I am not getting a lot of responses, maybe I should be posting on another board as Kimberly suggested. I realize that something like "Sexual Anorexia" is more of a psycological issue rather than marital infidelity. Not a well understood issue and probably impossible for most people to comment on. Folks that have dealt with and understand eating anorexia are probably the most able to offer help.

I have gone on the web and tried to find a weekly small group meeting which deals with eating anorexia. I very much want to make connections with those who really understand the mindset and know how to get help to people who suffer in this way (like my wife).

Thanks everyone