Just spoke to several of the women who my WH has been calling. Of course they don't know he's married! They even shared with me the things he was telling them. He's a psychopath...no joke. I am so over him. He is such a stranger to everyone who has ever met him. Seriously he's insane.

Gotta run now but I can't wait to come back and update everybody.

Okay, here's the deal. This is long but worth the read if you have ever dealt with multiple OPs. While perusing his cell phone records, that he does not know I have access to, I noticed several numbers popping up quite frequently. So, I decided to call 2 of them.

The first nice lady that I spoke to talked with me for 30 minutes and probably would have gone on much longer except that I had to be somewhere. This particular lady is the one that WH went to visit two weekends ago (while he left our dogs alone and unattended). Put it this way, he drove from Georgia to Michigan to see her even though she told him not to. He insisted on visiting her. He told her that he was not married and, in fact, had never been married. She said that she knew there was something shady about him and his situation but wasn't quite sure what. She said he tried to kiss her and she turned away. She told him she was not interested in anything physical and he (in her words) tried to "mind-[censored]" her. In other words, he attempted the guilt trip on her. She of course saw straight through this.

I thanked this lady for being so honest with me. She told me that if she knew he was married she would have NEVER talked to him. Also, she would never mess around with a guy who was separated.

She told me what she knew about the original OW (WH no longer has contact with her). Apparently he told her that this girl was his best friend and they were just "[censored] buddies".

She then proceeded to tell me that she thinks he is psycho. She asked me about certain things he told her and I had to tell her the truth behind the lies he was telling her. She laughed so hard when she heard the truths that she even had me laughing. This nice young lady, who happens to be 35 with children, told me to get away from WH. She said that I seem very nice and I deserve soooo much better. I told her that I agreed and that I even had friends tell me that he was a downgrade for me...which made her laugh again.



When I called nice young lady number two I had no intentions of chatting with her. I knew he hadn't been to visit so I just thought I'd tell her that he was married.

The conversation was as follows:

NW: Hi! Who is this?

#2: This is ******.

NW: Hi ****** I noticed that you have been talking to my husband, ******. Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that he's married.

#2: Really? Wow. I had no idea.

NW: Of course you didn't.

#2: If I had known I wouldn't have talked to him.

NW: And that's why he didn't tell you. I just wanted to let you know that you are one of many girls he's talking to.

#2: Well, I'm 800 miles away so you have nothing to worry about.

NW: Yes, well 2 weeks ago he drove from GA to Michigan.

#2: What? Really?

NW: Yeah, he's really noone you want to be interested in. With all the girls he's been calling and the way he's been acting...well it's not worth getting a disease.

#2: (nervous laugh) What? Are you serious?

NW: I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised. So you should just stay away.

#2: Oh, yeah. Definitely. Wow, I didn't know.

NW: Okay, then.

#2: Thanks for telling me.

NW: No problem, bye.


So then I sent him a text message: I'm so done with you. You really f*cked up.

He's visiting family in an area where he has a bad cell signal. He's been trying to call me all day and his phone has been cutting out. I think he's squirming.

The nice lady #1 has given he me the strength to move forward with what I've known all along that I have to do. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that he has started this multiple other people behavior and I know he blames it on my moving out (and into Plan B). He has told me several times that it has been extremely painful for him to have to deal with the fact that he came home and everything was gone ... blah, blah, blah.

Her honesty with me has shown me that WH is so not worth it and that I have actually already made so much progress in getting over him and us. I've been holding onto just a tiny bit of hope and now I know that that is not enough. Part of me still loves who he was...but I hate him now.

I'm looking forward to continuing to improve me. And when the time is right I can't wait to meet a nice guy that adores me as much as I adore him.

Thanks for reading all of this. Any thoughts are GREATLY appreciated.

It was brave of you to make those calls. You, and only you know what is best for you. Just don't be too hasty in meeting someone new. Take some time to heal, and discard any baggage you might carry forward to a new relationship. Perhaps set a time period of a year, just to make sure you are truly "over" this marriage.

And who knows...WH may come begging on his hands and knees to you after all this, and as they say... anything can happen.

Best wishes,
SD

Were there more women before these two?

It seems really strange for him to drive all of that way to see one that told him not to come. Or did you mean that he did this AFTER you went into Plan B?

I'm so sorry to hear this. Those were rough calls. At least you didn't get the unrepentent, "So what? Don't call me again." kind of OW. (Like my WH's OW)

Only you can decide what to do. You have only been married a year and don't have children. Further down the line, you will have more invested in this relationship. There will be a lot of shared history, property and maybe children. Do you think he will change through the years? A relationship is much harder to leave the
longer it goes on. This is a good time to decide if this is what you really want. Are you willing to do the work? Pay the price? Will your WH? It sounds like your Plan B is working. The denial is soooo deep in your WH.

Good luck

SD - Yep...I'm waiting. I need a break from the drama of any relationship.

Believer - There was one OW before I moved into plan B. I know that he has chatted with several women through Yahoo but has not gone to see any of them prior to plan B. He has been telling me lately that plan B (despite the letter) told him that I left him. So he is justifying it to himself. There have been many strange numbers and calls so I don't know how many others there are. But who knows really? Only he knows. I only called the ones who popped up the most.

I see you were together 4 years before you got married. How were those years?

Up until we got married everything was great. The first six months of our marriage was wonderful. I had absolutley no reason to feel insecure with him or our relationship. He was the kindest, most generous person I had ever met.

He made a comment recently that he has been acting like he was before he met me. I only recently realized what he meant by that. I stopped snooping a month ago because it was totally consuming me. Only in the last day or so I've begun to investigate again. Now I see it is getting worse.

It is my theory that he saw me as an opportunity for him to make himself something better. I honestly believe that he loved me and does so even now. I think he was trying to change himself to be the person he thought I wanted him to be. I NEVER asked him to change anything about himself. And the only thing he ever let me see was an incredibly genuine loving person. This is why i was so mystified for so long.

Sure, we had some issues to work through but there was nothing so terrible that a simple conversation couldn't have fixed.

He told me via text message the other night that around last Christmas he lost something inside himself. He wasn't sure what it was.

His behavior seems strange to me. Maybe he was trying to change himself to be the person he thought you wanted. Now that you are married, he may feel he doesn't have to pretend anymore.

It sure seems like he is going downhill fast, though.

yes...he is going down fast...and I'm not going down with him. I think that this is something that I cannot help him with. He says he loves me and wants me ... says he misses 'us'. However, I know that if I walk away he will not try and stop me. With the new knowledge I have realized that there is nothing I can do. I don't think the MB plans can help us now. I told him he needs professional help. Tomorrow when he returns I am going to tell him, "You know what you have done, what you continue to do, and the lies that you continue to tell. I know what you have done, what you continue to do, and the lies you continue to tell. I can no longer allow myself to be put in this position."

Alert! Philanderer in the building!

GC

GC - Yep. I agree with you. It is precisely that knowledge that is making this so easy for me to deal with. I can now walk away with no regret. I have done nothing to cause this.

Plus you're a smart, loyal, and purdy 27-year-old. Pfffft! Not to worry.

GC

Argh -

Speaking of 27 year olds...

I HATE being 20 and married; I feel like an idiot when I say "My wife" people look at me like I just got out of diapers.

GrapeGirl - Sorry I missed your post earlier.


I can't even picture having children with him anymore. Before he was the only person with whom I had ever felt that I wanted children. A few weeks ago i was willing to do the work but I know that he may want to but is not truly capable of it. He is a major conflictg avoider and extremely private. Besides, at this point there is nothing in my view that he could ever do repair what has been done. I'm actually sad for him because he is never going to find what he is looking for (especially since it was right in front of him the whole time). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

GC - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ....Thanks....

Fox0r - 20 is a very young age to be married. I'm sure you've heard this before. I don't want to sound insensitive but it has been my observation with myself, my friends and siblings that a great deal of maturity, growth, and change happens within a person between the ages of 20-23. It is during these years that a person settles into who they are meant to be.

Grapegirl, I just had a conversation about this with my best friend. We have known each other since we were 8 years old, and she just recently ended a long term relationship with her boyfriend, who she met at around 18. She was saying how he has changed, how she had to let him go because he just wasn't the same guy she fell in love with. Then as we talked we realized that maybe he hadn't changed all that much, but that she had outgrown him somehow, and matured into someone that he just couldn't keep up with anymore.

I never liked the guy much to begin with, thought he was pretty shallow, and that she liked him more because of his angst than any other reason. Now that she is on her mid twenties she has come to realize angst isn't that cool in a 26 year old guy.

Me on the other hand, married at age 19, but my husband had so much emotional inmaturity and issues! Now at age 25 and him at age 32 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> we finally seem to be in the same page.

It is funny how things change with time.

While talking to my friend I told her that she should look for someone that she can grow along with. Someone that won't get stumped or refuse to grow, someone that can estimulate her brain and move towards her same goals.

Overall, someone that has a handle on who the are, where they have been, and somehow knows were they want to go. I had a pretty good idea of all this at age 18, mind you I took one whole year off to figure it all out, but once I did I just felt so good.

But then I went and married a guy that had no idea who he was, what he wanted, or where he wanted to be, and all came crashing down. Good grief!

Wow....I think that was very brave of you to call all of those girls. Good for you!!!! I called the OW that my STBX is with now and also talked to 2 of the OW from the past. It does feel good to get all of that out.
I think you are the only one who can say what's best for you. I know how you feel about still loving part of him but disliking who he is now. Everyone here feels that way.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and you do deserve to be treated with respect. I wish you the best.

NW, I always love to read of BS who find sand to do the right thing !

It was courageous to call those numbers.

Your WH is obviously a piece of work right now.

All I would say is do not rush to exonerate the OWs. One thing I have learned from my own situation and others I have read on here is that WS and OPs lie like dog's bark, rooster's crow and bears [censored] in the woods. Naturally. Instinctively. Annoyingly.

The OWs told you one possible explanation for the situation, but there are no guarantees other than your WH was looking for relationships outside your marriage, and in secret.

All blessings to you as you make the best of what your WH has delivered to you.

Bob - I agree with you. His actions are his alone. But it was great to hear it from them that he is still doing this. He would never have admitted to it. Even this morning we talked on the phone and I hinted at some things and he acted like he had no idea what i was talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

NW...yet another thing we have in common...I'm in GA too.

I'm so sorry to hear about this latest bit of information, but glad to see that you are taking your power back. The power comes and goes, so try to remember you have the ability to control yourself - not WH!

Just try to stay calm and live for today. I know it's a cliche', but it's so true.