Okay...I know I said I'm over him (well, you know what I mean) but I think I should give it a last ditch effort. Here's the deal: He was "so hurt" when I moved out of our place and into plan B. All of these new actions (girls) have been since after my plan B started. He claims that (despite the letter) my actions told him that I gave up on our marriage and deserted him. Well plan B kinda flew out the window the last 2 weeks as he agrees to my terms and then unagrees, over and over. Anyway that's why I've pretty much decided I'm done. However,....

Here is our new (and my last) efforts:

We compromised.

His point of view: He wants me home and he wants us to become friends and reconnect again before we do all of the "work" to try and repair our R. He says that all I want to do is talk about us rather than just spend time together. He thinks by my asking him to not be in touch w/ other women that I don't want him to have friends. (I reminded him that OW was "just a friend" for awhile too.) He doesn't think he is capable of being forthcoming w/ his past behavior even though he may want to be. ("What good would that do?") He doesn't want to live in "the little box I'm trying to put him in".

My point of view: I want MC for us in order to come up with a plan for recovery. I want him to stop all contact with other women. I want him to come clean and be truthful about his behavior. I want him to prove to me that he is trustworthy.

Our plan: I will move back to our home. For the next two weeks we will concentrate on our friendship and will spend quality time together. No SF. There will be no R conversations. At the end of the two weeks we will set up a MC appointment in order to develop a plan.

He doesn't think I can go 2 weeks w/out initiating these R chats. But he promised that we would go to MC after this time. Not sure I believe him. I'm not even sure that this is what I want anymore but I feel that this is something I need to do...at least for me.

I know some of you may not agree with this plan. I would like any suggestions, please.

Just got a text mess. from WH, "What are you thinking calling people and telling them I may have a disease?".

I'm choosing to ignore this but this just may be the end of our plan.

which means he's in contact with one of them AGAIN.

[color:"red"] BIG RED FLAG [/color]

If you agree to this ... you appear weak.

You asked for opinions ... now you have mine.

Hold out for a committed relationship ... did you really get married so you could prove yourself worthy by being his friend and supressing your needs?

This seems unreasonable to me.



Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, sounds like he's making an excuse for this not to work.

He may be 'compromising' (sounds like he's asking YOU to do all the compromising though) and will look for any excuse to end it so it can be YOUR fault. This is a dangerous game. You are nearly bankrupt in the LoveBank and he is asking (and you are conceding) to spend 2 weeks together in an effective Plan A without realizing (or maybe you know) this will completely deplete your love units.

He is hoping to get to a place that he can snow yoiu enough that he can keep you BOTH! And try to negotiate his philandering ways (hey, it worked for a while, why can't it work again.)

It doesn't sound like he is remorseful AT ALL, and is making excuses for NOT being fully in the M.

Yes, it does sound like it is over...give it your best...

IMO, this is part of repairing your R.

There are some red flags here, but you have to do what you think is right for you.

I think you should hold fast to your request that he let go of his "platonic female friends". Whatever need they are fulfilling for him, he should be getting from you, but you already know that. If he's wanting you to be his friend then the way I see it, he's trying to get that need filled by you. It's up to you on how you handle it, but just be protective of your heart.
Is this just a test of wills? If so, give it up girl, because there is no winner.

What will happen if at the end of 2 weeks he decides he doesn't want to go to MC? What will you do? Have a plan ready. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

{{{{{{{{{NW}}}}}}}}}}

Why do you have to spend two weeks proving yourself to him?

Shouldn't it perhaps be the other way around?

And <<ahem>> he has obviously been talking to one of them again...I'm guessing it was the one who didn't know he was married and would never have talked to him if she knew -- so now she knows and she's still talking...

Pep & StillHere - Thank you for your opinions. I know that I am a little weak right now. However, my reason in doing this has more to do with the fact that I did a horrible plan A. Now I know I can't go backwards and make up for ir but ultimately I want WH to remember the good that we had...regardless of our outcome. I'm going to ask tonight if he'll fill out EN questionaire.

Lexxy - Contact with one of the OP was the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that. And, yes, it should be the other way around and he has things that he knows he has to prove to me too.

Stop - GA? No kidding? Where? I've lived my life here lately prepared for the worst. It's no way to live but imoportant right now in order to keep me sane. If he will not go to MC at end of two weeks then I really am done. These two weeks may just be a long goodbye. I am ready to just move on but it's hard when somebody you loved so much keeps saying "I don't want a divorce" and seems to really be sioncere about it.

I know I must seem silly to all of you for doing this. I have heard all of the advice from everyone saying that I should cut my losses. I agree with this advice. I really do, but I guess I'm not ready yet even though I know that this is where it's going.

By the way, when I got home tonight neither of us mentioned his text message. I think he realizes that if he brings it up I can say something about contact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all...

I'm near Duluth actually.

I know what you mean about not being ready yet. I don't want to hijack your thread, but my WH and I went to MC last week. (our 1st session and the only 1 he "promised" me) It opened up a dialog between us and we've been talking since. I'm not saying it's been great, far from it. Long story that I'll share on another thread. If you want to talk about stuff, email me (see my sig).

Anyway, if these 2 weeks are what you need to make a decision FOR YOU, then do it. I know it's not the MB way, but we can't all be perfect. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I spent the last two nights back at (his) home. Everything has been pretty much uneventful. We've hung out and ate dinner and watched TV. Just now I thought I'd give him a call to say 'hi'. I didn't have much to say...he had even less. Told him I was thinking about him and if he wants to talk later, I'm here, give me a call. He said, 'okay, i will.'

I'm just trying to keep in mind some of the points of plan A with this little experiment. He won't tell me he loves me and when I told him that last night he got all uncomfortable. I'm not sure that I even do love him, but it felt nice to say it.

I know you guys are right about this ... I already know it's over ... I guess I need to go through this to know for sure. Especially since he insists that he wants us and not a divorce. We'll see what happens in a few more days. I'm trying to get him to go out and do things with me.

I'm just really sad right now. Sad for the potential that we once had. Sad that he won't allow himself to be loved. Sad that he is spiraling out of control and there's nothing I can do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <long sigh>