Ok so last night my H was out with his lover. Then today he said that he had to go to "work" to clean the office. Weird, its Sunday and before a holiday? Then his lover leaves a message telling him to call her cell to meet up. I am totally depressed. Any Advice???

Honey,
go see some friends or relatives, do whatever you need to feel better and to let your life be more than your H's A.
You have a rough ride ahead of you (I assume you are in plan A?) and you'll need all the support you can get.
Starting a diary, or venting here when you need to, also helps.
Is cancer for cancerian? I'm one too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, I live in FL and we have no family here and all my friends are out of town for the holiday. it sucks, but i am enjoying the time with my 6month old son.

Yes i am cancerian, my b-day is thursday

Mine is on Sunday!
And yes, enjoy the time with your son. That is time that you cannot get back.

Tell your WS to stop lying to you. If he 'chooses' to spend time with the OW (call her by her given LAST name: Mrs. Jones, etc.), then that is his choice but don't use 'work' or anything else as an excuse.

Then you go work on exposing. Let his work know that he is using the office as an excuse to have an A. Let them wonder what other compromising stuff he is doing. Like going to see a 'client' when he is off having a tryst.

This is a tell tale sign that he has been hit with the A virus. WS' can't tell the truth to save their soul. Now use this as a tool for your survival and deal crushing blows to the A.

L.

I have told him to tell the truth, but he just cant, like you said. I have been trying plan A since about Monday (6/28) but it doesnt seem to work. I am starting to give up on this whole thing. His boss has already warned him about seeing "customers" when he's really out with her. I just feel lonely and sad. It feels like he keeps choosing her over me and his son.

Well, one thing, you have barely started Plan A. It takes several months of effort.

Is the OW married?

C-girl,
he is not choosing her over you and your son. It may seem like that to you now, but in my eyes that is not the case with your WH or my WW or anyone else's WS.
To me, a choice is when a rational decision is made by someone who weighs out both sides of an issue. WS's are not making decisions based on rationale. It is a sickness that is guiding their actions. It is an addiction.
This is not about him not choosing you, it is about him indulging his selfish needs for the thrill of a moment in time. Blow up the secrecy. Take the shroud of secrecy off of the A and watch the roaches scurry from the light.
Stay strong, continue to Plan A and know that your worth as a human, and as a woman is in no way diminished by the scandolous actions of your WH.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

Hugs!

Stay strong. You do have a long road ahead of you but you will make it and be fine. Enjoy your baby...you can never get those moments back!!!!!!!

I'm in FL also. What part?? I'm in Oviedo...it's near Orlando.

So, by this logic then, all WS are should not be really held fully accountable for their actions because in essence they are NOT choosing to do any of this to us or the marriage. Huh????

They are indeed CHOOSING to betray us. Rationality has nothing to do with it. NONE OF THIS IS RATIONAL, so what...but it is still REALITY for us.

Does the WS remain "addicted" forvever if they stay with the OW/OP and do not come back to the BS? If it is an addicition, then how can we really every "give up" on the WS? After all, they did NOT choose to do this to us, it was "someone" else who "made" them do it (an alien perhaps.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). Is it like cancer or a disease? If that is the case, you would never give up on the WS who is stricken with luekemia, would you??? Bull pucky. The alien theory or the drug "addict" theories are nice and all, and hell I have used them also to rationalize why my WS did this to our marriage, BUT IN THE END, they are decisions that THEY (WS) have made, and they will have to be held accountable for the consequences. Because their are always consequences.

The alien was nowhere to be found when the consequences had to be paid for my WS and OM's actions. This "alien" could not be found anywhere to take the "fall" for the CHOICES of COMPLETE free will that were made. The children of the OM could not beat up the "alien" for taking away their father. The WS parents could not take a baseball hat to the alien who MADE their daughter do what she did to destroy three families.

That is just the way I see it. While there is a component of "addiction" feeling to all of this stuff, the EXTREME reliance of this as the "cause" believed by so many here is kind of laughable to me. I understand though. I really do. A BS has to believe that there is some "other" force that would "make" our WS do what they do. Otherwise, what does that say about us as judges of character for marrying this type of person?

I mean, how in the hell could we stomach taking back a person who betrays us a thousand times over, who bankrupts us financially, who humiliates us and forces us to lie to our families, who KNOWINGLY exposes us to life threatning diseases, who brings other defenseless illegitmate children into the world and then abandons those children, who scars the innocent children of the family with burden and shame they will probably carry for the rest of their lifes. Yeah, your damn right, I understand why it is almost SURVIVAL mechanism to blame the "addiction" or the "alien". I know all too well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

OK, rant over....LOL. I am not even sure where that one came from. Must be the long weekend call.

Sourmale

Advice? I just posted on Plan A/Plan B. I think it stinks. Let's hope one of the more successful MB'ers reads you post and answers. Meanwhile, ((((((((((((((cancergirl)))))))))).

OOPS, I didn't realize you had gotten support already. Go back and re-read their answers, and feel better. They all make sense, and you do too. You're not crazy. You are clear headed and unfogged.

Bless you.

Thank you to all who helped me. I am feeling a little better. Cancerian: my b-day is thursday, no disease

Lemon,
you by far are much more experienced at this than I am. I value your sage input. In no way was I intimating that the WS's are not accountable for their choices. I was merely trying to communicate to C-girl that she should continue to value herself as a person and as a woman. To me, A behavior is irrational. Any sane person would not engage in something as cruel and devastating as this behavior can be. By all means they should be held accountable. After all, they will be held accountable by God on judgement day.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

Take the high road and enjoy your baby. Get out and get some exercise. Go see some firework displays. Take a picnic of your own out to the park. (It's not too hot to do that in Florida is it?) When you are a new BS, it's easy to start feeling like a hermit and hide out in your house. Go out and get some sunshine. Try to get adult time. I miss having an adult around to talk to.

There are a lot of us staying at home with our kids this weekend. I have no idea where my WH is. He could be hanging out at his apartment, with slimeball OW or on the moon. He seems to feel no need to call...even his children or parents. This is something he chooses to do. Yes, he's definitely an alien and has had a personality transplant. WH is still responsible for his actions.

Good luck. We're all here for you.

Crushed and C-girl:

Sorry for the rant. I think the whole thing just "set me off". I actually felt bad for writing what I did as the original poster just seemed to need some hand holding and I t/j her thread with my post. ( I will no longer delete posts though as IMHO that should not be done by anyone here anymore). You cannot take back what was said by just doing that and it makes it worse.

I hate infidelity more than anything in this world. I truly despise it. I find myslef actually hating the Waywards that many of the BS talked about here. Maybe this is all a temp setback for me, who knows....My trigger seems to be when I interpret that we as BS are once again NOT accepting the reality of what the WS have done. I understand the underlying alien theory, but in all honesty, I f-ing hate it. But that is my problem and not anyone elses.

Peace.

I am about to hit the sack tonight in this nice call room with this beeper clipped to my pillow. It has been a long weekend couped up here, but I now have the next 5 weekends OFF to train. So it is all gooooood. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sourmale, MD

No problem Lemon. We all go through the anger periods. Myself as well. WS's stupidity is what pisses me off the most. The fact that we, as standers for our M's, have a greater understanding of what has taken place and why, coupled with the fact that WS's know nothing but their selfish concept of self-entitlement really makes me feel sorry for them.
Through MBers and the concepts learned here, I feel that most of us are better equipped to move on and have happy and fulfilling lives than those fogged individuals that follow nothing but their hormones. In that sense, I feel sorry for them and what they have become.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram