My wife and I were married two years when she told me she wanted to separate. She started pulling away mid-way through year 1, after a couple of pretty normal arguments. My wife is an avoider and is allergic to confrontation. The last yr she spent in the "withdrawal" state. She told me her self-confidence was low, she felt unloved, her self-esteem was low, she needed to find herself, to focus on her career right now (she is already very successful). I got the "loveyoubutnotinlovewithyou" line. She recently told me she was seeing someone else (I suspect it started before we separated).

Her mother left her father after 18 mo's and he cut off contact from her at that point. I think my wife has lingering issues from that. My W also left her first H after 1 yr (she was 21).

WHAT DO I DO? I love her. She is not in love w/ me at the moment. I'm trying to give her the space she asked for, but after a month I am afraid. I've sent her a couple of long letters, Plan A sort of stuff, trying to make the home a comfortable safe place for her to return, and suggesting she stop seeing the other person and commit to a plan of addressing our issues. No response yet. What to do??

tom - When they ask for space, what they want is space to carry on their affair.

Do you know anything about the other man? Is he married?

I know nothing about him. She hasn't even admitted that she was seeing him b4 she left, but I think it unlikely she left and then happened to meet someone!

Naaaw. She knew him before she decided to leave. I can almost promise you that.

It is probably some guy she works with. I hope you can find out more. If he is married, you can let his wife know what is going on. That usually puts a damper on things.

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a GREAT place to be, and you will learn all kinds of helpful things.

Anyone else?? Help me out here...

Why did she leave her first H?

She was only 21, told me it was one of those college things that shouldn't have been. Happened so long b4 I met her, I don't have much detail.

BTW, it's been a month and I'm starting to get a little desparate...I think I've already called her too much; she doesn't seem interested in working things out. I'm really scared and unsure what to do next.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley. That's your first and most critical step. Understanding the dynamics of an affair.

Until your get your book, go to the home page and begin learning about affairs, and what makes a marriage vulnerable. Do some serious introspection, and take a hard look at what you bring to the marriage, both good and bad. Begin correcting and changing those things about you that were not good for the marriage. Make sure these changes are made for your future.

Read other posts here, to learn how to deal with a wayward spouse. Plan A is the integral part of where you start. You can read more about it starting at the home page of this site. Also, read the top three topics in the Just Found Out forum.

You can win your wife back. But there's a lot to learn and a lot of hard work on your part to get it done. Are you up task???

Do you think Plan A is right considering we are separated a month now? It seems like Plan A is more appropriate for when a couple is still under one roof. Am I mistaken?

Plan A is the starting point. It will be harder if you don't see her much. But lots of people here have done it.

So read all about it, and try to get started.

In the meantime, take care of YOU.

I'm curious how many HAVE done it. Perhaps the women on the board can give me some perspective: Once a wife separates from you, starts to date someone else, is there really any chance she'll come back? And if she does, is it simply a matter of time until she leaves again? Do women ever really fall BACK in love?

Tom, there are plenty of examples of women who come back and fall in love. And as long as the issues that led to the affair are addressed and resolved in counseling/personal changes, they are no more likely to do it again than anyone else, unless this is a character issue. Serial cheaters are a completely different breed of cat, though. We deal with aberrant cheating here.

But, Plan A is your best bet for now. Things are likely to get very rocky in her affair because it is based on a fantasy that is based on deceit and lies. As the fantasy wears off, trouble will appear in the affair and if you have done a good enough Plan A, you will be an attractive alternative.

Thanks Melody! You really picked me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tom, does she view affairs as WRONG? Or are affairs OK in her view if they make her "happy?" What is her worldview about right and wrong?

She knows affairs are wrong; I think it's a case of needs not being met in the marriage. The problem is that she is allergic to confrontation, and so can't surface her needs very easily. I think the "emotional needs questionaire" and some counseling could help. The other issue is, she has a tendency to "run away", like my childhood beagle. Her mom left her marriage early and my WW left her first marriage early, and now me.

Tom, in that case you do have some hope. It will not be easy, I won't lie to you, and you will have to have lots of patience. Every contact will have to be a quality contact, and you can't afford any lovebusters or begging, pleading, etc.

I would suggest not calling her or pursuing her in any way right now.

Who is this OM? Are there any exposure opportunities here? Do key people in your lives know about the affair?

Did you read ShatteredDreams suggestions? He had several good suggestions that I strongly recommend.

She doesn't answer my calls too often, so I'm thinking of sending her a long but lovely "Plan A" type of letter...trying to show her concern for her needs, without falling all over myself. Good idea?

I wouldn't do that right now. I think she is in detached mode and doesn't want to hear that. I would back off for a little bit and see what she does.

Who is this OM? Is he married?

I did read those suggestions...I've read Harley's books, among others. And I believe I am working on the "love busters". I know nothing about the OM. No one else knows and I debate whether I should inform her friends/family. Her parents and I aren't close (they are part of the problem), her friends and I are close however.

I am confused about the suggestion to not call or pursue...how can we get close?? Is even a Plan A letter too much?